First of all I will say I absolutely adored Bill but things hadn’t always been easy .He suffered from clinical depression and anxiety during the early part of our marriage and was either the wild crazy life and soul of the party or completely withdrawn We finally settled after his service in the airforce with our two children in a nice village .He got a job as a civil servant and I thought everything was ok .However he started going online and met someone .When it all came out it seemed she didnt know he was married with children .He didn’t want to leave but after much soul searching I decided he should go .The women he took up with was completely unstable with mental health issues .She caused a lot of trouble for me and my children .Eventually after 5years we got back in contact and I asked him if he wanted to try again .We got back together and after a difficult period of adjustment we rebuilt our lives and began to remember how much we loved each other .Then came cancer after 4 years of treatment and much suffering Bill died May 2020 .The weird thing is I keep replaying all the rerrible events of the marriage breakup I feel so angry with him I know I was to blame as well I didnt always make an effort and also it would have been difficult for him to have that conversation with him .I wondered if it was because I had got quite fat and he didn’t feel attracted to me.When we got back together he never really explained why he had the affair .Now I will never know and it causes me so much pain . I know grief is weird and I am angry because I miss him so much and I always will.Just have to keep working through it I guess big hugs to everyone …

Dear Susie

Sorry you find yourself on this difficult path. Grief plays all sort of games with those left behind. My husband died as a result of a motorbike accident. I hated the thing and cannot get past the anger stage. I was only four months off retirement and now everything we have spent our whole life working towards has been taken from us.

All our friends still have their partners. I find myself thinking that my husband could not have loved me that much if he would not give up the bike for me and that his mates would have not left their wives in the position I find myself in.

A friend of ours married her husband twice. They had not talked throughout the period of separation from the first time married and then he decided to go work in Europe and my friend, her sister and me were invited to his leaving do. They disappeared together after two hours and the working abroad was short lived as he could not bear to be apart from her. I think what I am trying to say is that they were meant to be together as you and Bill were.

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Thank you Sheila that was a lovely reply .Sorry for your situation as well Its just the fact we miss them so much anger is a geniune part of grief and the fact we are feeling it is quite healthy . I know what you mean feel like a spare part most of the time .Thank you for reaching out it means a lot I hope you are ok and its comforting to know there are such amazing people on this site lots of hugs xxx

Thank you. Definitely feeling like a spare part today and so low have tried ringing Samaritans but they are busy and then I think to myself that I am taking up their time when there are others in more need. Today during a family conversation it became apparent that decisions had already been made that involved me. Had to get up and leave. Cried all the way home and sat on settee just sobbing. I know the family will think I am being stupid as to them it is nothing major but for me since husband died the realisation that I am not important to anyone anymore and no one has my back so to speak keeps cropping up and this incident reinforced that.

Thats terrible Sheila .I really feel your pain keep writing on here we really understand .Are there any local
widow / widower groups you can join .?Sometimes its easier to talk to a stranger than family .I have taken up a language class and going to try a local choir .Its dosent make me any less sad but I know you have to keep trying .Somtimes writing down how you feel can help .I wrote a couple of poems about me and Bill .I have also found going for a walk helps .Just remember you are important and although it might not seem like it there are a lot of people who care about you its asking for support and help if you need it .A lot of it is loneliness and sometimes its reaching out and admitting we need help .You take care I will look out for your posts lots of hugs xx

Dear Susie59

What hurts more is it is one of our children. Had hoped they might call after I left realising I was upset but they haven’t and again just reinforces that I don’t matter. After my husband died I spent months every night with dark thoughts but knowing I would never carry them out. Today for a split second I thought I may as well because no one will notice I have gone.

Don’t blame yourself just take care of yourself lv annie x

I think its not easy for families to grieve especially when its a sudden death there is no time to prepare you are literally in shock .Everyone is at different stages everyone grieves differently as much as I want some days to just stay in bed and never get up Im conscious that I am the only parent Lindsay and Ryan have. I need to keep going for their sakes oddly enough for months the only two people I felt relaxed and at ease with were my twin grandsons Samuel and Thomas .They talked about Grandad Billy being dead quite naturally and that was a great comfort .My daughter has been really affected by her Dads death .They had a special bond and when he was not with us she supported him through some tough times .Sometimes she has said some hurtful and insensitive things but I dont judge her for that she is the child who is hurting Im the parent .You will get through it Sheila just do it a day at a time keep getting up and celebrate any small achievement you can .You were deeply loved and loved deeply keep going to honour that love and to remember your lovely man x

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We have to deal with so much don’t we. It’s so unfair.
One of my issues with family, on Martins side, is that I feel I am expected to fill Martins shoes!!
For example, his mother has distant relatives that life near us. When Martins dad died and his mum would come down to visit, she would ask Martin to take her to visit these relatives…… now she expects the same from me.
Chris, my stepson, who lives on Wales has mentioned that I need to learn the route to their house so I can visit and stay with him…… I hate driving, rarely drive anywhere if I can help it, have always been the same. Why does he think I have suddenly become a confident driver just because his dad is no longer with us!!

It’s like they no longer see you are the person you were before the loss :woman_shrugging:t3:

Dee xx

Hi Dee, I hate driving to , actually I have just got rid of my car , I don’t want to have all that extra worry. I now walk (good exercise) or catch the bus or taxi. We have enough of a weight on our shoulders now without taking anything extra on. I am afraid I have become more selfish now and am not afraid to say no if I want to. You find out who your real friends are when something like this happens and one of my favourite sayings about people and my opinions now is “ if they matter they don’t mind, and if they DO mind they don’t matter”
Your step son probably just wants you to become more confidant , and if you can that’s great , but it’s your decision nobody else’s.
Take care jss

Dear Jss

Great saying and very appropriate to those who stay true to us in our time of need and the (majority) who just disappear totally or send the ‘token’ hope you are ok’ text messages.

Dear Dee

I know that many relatives think they are doing what is right for us but sometimes they just need to step back and see what they are saying or doing and how it actually might impact on us. I have only ventured to two places (long distance) since my husband died and both are places that I had driven to myself when husband was alive.


Hi Sheila , I think I read the saying or something like it in Dr Seuss but think it’s so true, the other saying I find myself thinking all the time that’s true unfortunately is “ you don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone”
I think we naively just take everything for granted , think everything will just go on as we expect. I did anyway, I am trying to learn from that one and value everything as it is left behind , even tho there is such a gaping hole in my life now . We just have to adjust to this new world we don’t want or recognise. X