take care Corrina xx jo
Jo, I have exactly the same feeling as you about my husband. Could I have prevented it,did I look after him right, was it my fault in some way. We knew for ten years he had cancer but I wouldn’t give in and didn’t trust the NHS,who said it had spread too far. So I went all out to ‘save’ him and he became so fit and well for nine years. What I didn’t know was that he had started taking medication which he had never had before. But while we did it alone working on diet, vitamins, lifestyle he survived for nine years fit and well, as soon as he started taking their medication he went downhill fast and was dead within the year. If I had known about the medication what would or could I have done. I don’t know now. He knew my dislike of drugs, so kept it secret, I don’t even know what they was supposed to do for him. I knew what he was taking the last weeks. I suppose it’s the past now but like you, I can’t help thinking, what if.
i looked affter my husband from 1993 he was electrocuted at work he had 5 times what they give them in america in the electric chair they dont know how he survived but he did he was classed as having a brain injury but he fought through everything with our help and support x the motor neurone took hold really fast within 2 months of diagnosis he was unable to walk at all and then 4 months after that he was completely paralysed and used a ventilator to help him breath it was hard to see an active mam unable to do anything for himself we talked alot and he said it was soul destroying im so proud of how he handled everything how he fought to the end evening and nights seem the worst when the hassell of the day has gone and all you can hear is the ticking of the clock now .when Darrell was here we all sat in the front room with him to watch his telly and chat i was-in and out all day doing stuff for him sitting with him ive put a dining table in there now and that is where i sit most of the day doing my crafts i go in first thing in the morning give him a kiss (ashes) do a drink and sit back in there with him and read him the paper xx feel really empty tonight xx sending love xx jo xx
No words,but thinking of you,and everyone xx
Oh my goodness Jo, what a tragic story. How hard it must have been for you. I do so feel for you. Yes my Brian was active and there was still so much he wanted to do. He fought hard and was worried about me. I told him I would be alright and to go. He was in such pain and so confused. I couldn’t bear it. He passed away a few hours later. I try to tell myself it was time. I hope you feel close to Darrell in that front room. Brian died in the dining room and after the hospice took away the bed it seemed to empty. I hated it but I had to walk through it to get to the kitchen. I have also put furniture back in there, painted and becoming used to it again. You have been through so much for so many years, god bless xxx
Hi I’m Rebecca I’m recently bereaved, I can totally relate to that, I see people in the shops banging on about this and that or couples arguing about petty things, I feel like shaking them all and saying who cares do u know how lucky u are, what I wouldn’t give too be able to shout or scream at my beloved jimmy.
So pleased this is back on again because I am so annoyed with some people that I am becoming a ‘grinch’. I’ve come to the conclusion I would be better off as a recluse and put on the top of a mountain where no human beings ever come to. I am fed up of people moaning especially about the weather. I have even pointed out to some that my Brian wouldn’t mind the weather if he could be around to enjoy it. Yesterday I was on my allotment and I could hear people calling out to each other and laughing, I wanted to tell them to shut up it was getting on my nerves, how dare they laugh. Then children arrived screaming and yelling. That did it I was off home. Decided it might be better if I only come out in darkness. I’m not really a nice person these days.
hi pattidot i know where you are coming from with your post Darrell and myself said we would always like to live on an island where there are no other humans how i wish now. people dont realise that life has stopped for us they should not laugh or talk around us anymore end of. i dragged myself out for a bit of food shopping the other day and this woman was arguing with her husband over a box of teabags im not a violent person but i felt like going over to her and giving her a good hard slap doesnt matter it was a box of bloody teabaga for goodness sake so pathetic i would love for Darrell to be here and nip to the shops with me what i wouldnt do for that something so trivial as going food shopping is such a big deal now take care love jo xxx
People get on my nerves too (for what it’s worth). I can’t be bothered with many. I went back to work a couple of weeks ago, which obviously means being around ‘people’. I’m sure that being at work is more than enough time for me to be around others. I cannot wait to leave as each shift finishes, and get home. I always enjoyed time at home, even when away on holidays and travelling in general, going home was always a positive for me. It’s an even bigger positive now. I love it more than ever. I don’t particularly enjoy the emptiness when I first arrive home but I’m finding that even the initial dread of that is being over taken by my wanting to be back home and without the superficial face and chat that being around ‘people’ demands. I don’t much care about people’s opinions of me and my change in behaviour. I’m putting all the energy I can muster on getting on with each day as best I can and trying hard to continue in a way I believe my husband would want and expect. If others can’t deal with that then it’s their issue to get over, not mine!
Reading this comment back confirms what I guess I already knew… I appear to have zero tolerance levels these days for most things, not least ‘people’! Oh dear…x
Jo, you have made me laugh, I can imagine you slapping this woman or throwing the bloody teabags at her, telling her to go and get a life, cause we would love to have one again. Take care Pat
hi Pat glad its made you smile xxx take care sending love jo xxxx
My sentiments exactly. I just can’t be bothered either. Although I have noticed that many people on this forum go all out to join clubs, meet with friends, socialising. I’m afraid this just isn’t for me. I will take each day and see how it pans out in the future. I’m not even bothering to keep in touch with some ‘friends’ now, as some have just forgotten me and don’t reply and rejection is not something I can cope with now, so I keep to my own company more or less. When I am ready things will happen. I might become a total recluse, who knows. My mother was a recluse and I could never imagine being like her, now I’m beginning to wonder. I might have her genes after all. I too have found I find comfort in my home, which is a surprise to me as I have never been particularly attached to a house. This house in particular I have never been attached to as it was Brian’s when I met him and as we never chose it together I wanted to move for years. My feelings have surprised me. So who knows what I will feel in the future. My house never feels empty though as I am always greeted by my lovely dogs with so much love. They are amazing and my true friend I can always rely on.
I see older couples together, twenty-thirty years older than what we were … the temptation is to glare and feel how unfair life is but I do try and tell myself how lucky and lovely it is that they still have each other. It hurts so deeply knowing all the things I’ll never be able to do again with my husband and it hurts so much hearing other people’s plans. I’m not annoyed with these people. I was that person once. I’m just totally heartbroken and destroyed that my husband isn’t with me doing the things we should be doing together right now. It hurts, really hurts. I hope it’s a very long time before these people discover this heartbreak … and begin to understand. They are not being malicious, they simply have no idea. I can’t be annoyed at that x
hi pattidot thats the sam as me i cant go to groups and talk even to my gp just cry so i would rather be at home where i feel safe of you or i become a recluse thats fine its not hurting anyone else xx everyone is diffetent at the moment i would rather it be me and people who can be bothered people who havent bothered with is can go and whistle now. there will be no sight of me at their funerals x take care jo xx sorry having a crap morning so far xxz
Sorry about your crappy morning. I’m trying hard to keep occupied. Walked the dogs down to the seafront and woods, worked in the green house and a bit of gardening. Exercised and yoga. washed down kitchen cupboard doors. Tried meditation but I do struggle with this. Started to feel weepy so decided to come on here and have a ‘chat’. Occupy my mind. On the morning walk I had a short chat with three people and that suits me. So not a total recluse yet!!!
Jo I have looked back at some of your posts and I know from them that you are a strong person deep down. You looked after your Darrell for years and his last months must have been heartbreaking, yet you didn’t give in, you cared for him single handed and that takes some doing, so don’t underestimate you inner strength. I think we will one day be able to regain our men in our memories, it will give us comfort to think about them when at the moment my memories seem to reduce me to a mess, and not much comfort. We have really been grieving for months, even years, longer than from the day they passed away. (I hate saying lost as I don’t feel I’ve lost him). We knew what the outcome would be but if your like me you wouldn’t accept it. Try going out for a walk it really does help. Take care and god bless.
It doesn’t matter how old you are the hearbreak is still the same. I foolishly thought that when you got older you accepted that one of you would go before the other and it would be easier. How wrong was I. My Brian and I were active senior citizens. We were Ramblers, always out walking and all our holidays were walking, or cycling. My husband loved his Art, photography, computer and was an active musician. We had our allotments and grew organic fruit and veg. Our days were full to capacity. My husband said he would like to go back to work as it was easier than being retired. We had more going for us that a good many youngsters. So I too feel it’s unfair we still wanted to do so much. I’m not too bad seeing couples, not yet anyway, I think it may well come though. But last Sunday to my surprise I didn’t want to hear people laughing, didn’t want to talk to people, couldn’t see why they would even want to talk to me. Your right they have no idea what this is like. I certainly never did, so I am guilty of being one of those thoughtless people. But are they really thoughtless, no, they just don’t understand and we can’t explain, there just aren’t word.
hi pattidot im sorry you are feeling so weepy today xx thank you for your comments on my care for Darrell that means alot xxx the thing is i hd Darrell there to get me through a smile a chat i used to squeeze into his medical bed just so i could hold him until he would joke right ok im getting Claustrophobic now get in your own bed xxx have you any hobbies i love to upcycle furniture ive just completed the old writing bureau that Darrell got me and im half way through upcycling my dining table and 6 chairs i find it comforting as i talk to Darrell as im doing it as he knew i loves to mess xxx hope you have a better afternoon im not going anywhere so here if you need a chat xxx
Thanks I’m OK now, didn’t last long. You know that feeling, it’s starts, so today I wouldn’t let it take me over. Yes, I have never been one to have nothing to do. Brian used to say I was hard work as I was always doing something and wouldn’t keep still. In my younger days I danced and wanted to be a professional, still dance but it’s just at home now. I did gymnastics and athletics which I didn’t give up until in my thirties. Riding and horses took over my life though. I showjumped and my daughter also had her ponies/horses and competed. When all that came to an end I found I had a great love for walking, which I still do. Brian and I was ramblers and I hope to re-join the group walks at a later date when I feel able to cope with so many people. At the moment I spend an average of two hours a day walking with my dogs and it will be longer when the weather improves. I also took up cycling. Brian and I hired bikes on our honeymoon and although I hadn’t ridden a bike for years we became hooked and went all over the place on our bikes. I have recently got rid of my bike as I want to spend all my spare time with my dogs walking and can’t fit in both. I have my allotment and now Brian’s as well. So that keeps me pretty busy. I used to go to the gym three days a week and have just managed to go back but only once a week now. Love your hobby as I’m always painting and decorating. I have a dresser I need to do something with as it’s old and scratched now. Going to paint it and brighten it up but feeling a bit nervous and hope I don’t wreck it and keep putting it off. Going out with dogs again now, will call into the allotment and then the cemetery to tell Brian what I have been doing today. Love Pat
ok have a lovely walk x and say hi to Brian from us all xx thinking about you xx love jo xx
As you will see I am writing this late at night, because for the first time I feel really alone and frightened. You mentioned chest pains or similar and I have them tonight. When sitting still I am fine but as soon as I move I am struggling to breath. The tightness across the chest is awful. I’m hoping it’s just stress. It only came on this afternoon when I went for a walk. I’m really a fit and healthy person and haven’t been to the doctors for years so don’t want to make a fuss. But have asked my grandson and his wife to check on the dogs tomorrow if they don’t hear from me. Awful when on your own isn’t it, everything seems so bleak. My grandson offered to come over but he’s miles away and has work tomorrow, but said he would ring me in the morning. My dogs are my main worry.
Don’t quite know why I’m sending this as it’s nobodies problem but never felt so helpless in my life and knew you would know that feeling Pat