Another bad night

“Could you come back and stay a while, I want to hear your voice and see you smile.
I want to hold you tight and never let you go and tell you how much I love you so.” - IF ONLY ICOULD…

Had another bad night and feel even worse this morning. I haven’t stopped crying and feel things are getting no better. I keep asking myself just how much worse can it get and how am I going to cope with all this? All my happy memories of us together are just sad memories now.

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@sad2 I am in a similar place emotionally. Mostly things are not good, and the pain is always there. I am trying to give myself tasks, but sometimes don’t achieve them. Have been disposing of clothes. Thought that would be sad, and it is, but it has also brought back some really happy/funny memories. I have been bagging them up and putting them in various charity bins to spread the love. I am really hoping that some deserving people get to wear some of the clothes, especially the unworn ones with tags still on. Life other than that is humdrum with bouts of despair and tears, and the realisation of how much my partner actually did for me. Lots of hugs to you.

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Thank you for your much appreciated message Wong.
The last couple of days have been bad , but for some reason today is the worst. I just cant stop crying. All the memories are just going through my head, and it feels like I’m going back to day one when we first met and re-living it all. I miss him so much. I just can bear the pain and not havng him here with me.
I felt a bit of comfort when I went to the park earlier today to feed the birds. Two flew onto my hand and ate the seeds from there. I talked to them - I like to think that one was Alan and the other my mum. It’s not the first time a bird has eaten from my hand.
Sorry you’re havng a bad day too.
Stay strong and take care x

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I don’t know how you feel of course but it reassured me to log in and see your messages, I try not to log in in the night unless I am panicking so much I can’t do anything else as the white screen wakes me up more but I was also awake several times in the night.

I’m feeling awful too overall these recent 4 days. I am just waiting waiting. I don’t know what for. Probably for it to get worse as I feel like I can only lose more. I have had some good hours here and there but it’s not enough for a life and it is so desperate during those hours how I grab for distractions that only just work.

I’ve started on anti depressants yesterday (had picked them up almost 2 wks ago and kept changing my mind loads over taking them or not). . Had a bit of dizziness and nausea, couldn’t eat my tea last night but that could just as well be side effects of my new shit life instead of the tablet. I’m still astonished this happened to us and this is my life I am left with now. And I feel pretty sure it can only get worse.

I had my annual review with work today over video with my manager in Germany. She read out some lovely comments my colleagues had given last year about the “old me”. How reliable and funny I am and I always know what to do and help everyone. That is an unrecognisable and dead person now too. I must have started crying without noticing because she asked if i needed a break but i said no.

That’s nice about the birds sad2. Sometimes those little moments can help. Sorry we’re feeling this way, I hope we can get more helpful moments.

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Hello FleurDeLis.
Thank you for you’re message. I do read your messages to other people on here and they are always so kind, thoughtful and inspiring.
If I got up inthe night to come on here, I wouldn’t get back to my bed, and after reading so many sad messages, I’d be in even more floods of tears than I am already and the nightimes are the worse. The pain and heartaches we are going through is like a never ending nightmare we can’t wake up from.
The worst part of it all is I just can’t believe or accept the fact that Alan has gone. I still look at my phone for his messages, and when it rings I wish it was his name that comes up calling me.
I thought of anti depressants, but I take enough pills now, and don’t really want to take any more, plus I’m frigtened I would become too reliant on them. As you say this is the life we are left with now and there’s nothing we can do to change it. We have to learn to live with it.
Take care.
Joan xx

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Dear Sad2

Sorry, thought I would try to sort a few tasks today so just came on-line now. The pain intensified for me since last week as I approached our wedding anniversary on Saturday. I have a photo of our wedding day on the kitchen workbench and I just keep on breaking down. I see the start of our wonderful married life, the smiles, the hope and the anticipation of growing old together. We were approaching 39 years married and then he was taken. But we had so many years ahead. The pain inside my chest if beyond description.

I am not ready to get rid of his clothes but need the equipment and clothing associated with the motorbike gone. Two of his ‘biker-buddies’ have agreed to take the items. Have stood my son down from helping. He has no need to go through further unnecessary pain.

I need the world to stop and let me off this horror ride.

Hoping for a better day tomorrow for us all.

Sheila

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I felt I just had to write to you all. My wife’s still with me in body only as she has dementia and no longer recognises me. So I’m reminded of my loss every time I visit at the home.

I’ve been told many times not to look at photos if they upset me but I need to look but then regret it so it’s a vicious circle. Like you I see a couple with so much potential and love and remember the good times and bad, but all with love.

I’ve tried pills but they didn’t really work. I wanted numbness from it all but they made me feel ill.

I’ve had a post today that has suggested I’m wallowing in grief. I can do without that attitude thank you very much! I believe, like us all, we are allowed any emotions and if it seems like wallowing then so be it. We’ve lost our loved ones and there’s a great big hole in our lives that can’t be filled.

Bless you all, Peter

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@Dutchman. Wallow away Peter. Unfortunately we can’t get away from it, and have to work through it. If we bury our feelings they come out in the end anyway. Although your wife is still alive, the woman she was is gone, so you are grieving, and entitled to grieve. I hope when you can spend time with her again you get the odd glimmer of the lady she once was. A lot of people do not understand what it is like for dementia to rob you of your loved one. You are going through hell too. Keep posting, it may or may not help you, but please realise that people care.

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Dear Sheila

I really feel for you, and wish there was something I could say to make the pain and heartache go away. I wish that for all of us. Who said time is a healer? It just gets worse.

Did you manage to find your husbands wedding ring? I hope so.

Joan

Thank you Wong. I agree, people has little or no idea
( and why would they) until in your shoes. Bit better now and just going to do some mindless jobs. I find if I can control here, as opposed to what I can’t control at her home, then it’s something.

Bless you, Peter

Dear Sad2

Thank you. Unfortunately still no sign of the wedding ring. I cannot imagine where he may have put it and not prepared to go through all the pockets at this stage. It eats away at me and I know that I will have to make the effort so that I can put this to one side. Little things can push you over, but we were not a couple who made big declarations of love with expensive items. My wedding ring was only £9. It is the sentimental and emotional significance that hurts as a result of not being able to find it.

Take care.
Sheila

Dear Sheila26

I do hope you find it soon, it will be one less heartache and worry for you when you do find it.
I’m sure it has tremendous sentimental value to you, and something special to treasure.

Joan

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It’s sad that it’s all just a bunch of memories and photos and videos now… what we wouldn’t give to have them back…

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Dear Peter. I agree with Wong. You are bound to feel sad when your wife is no longer as she was. It is very sad and I can understand how it must be almost like a bereavement but without the closure.
My thoughts are with you, and I pray you have the strength to cope. It can’t be easy.

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