Another crying day

11 weeks since my husband Keith died and I’m having another lonely & crying day, my husband’s car has been sold, I don’t drive and can’t afford to just keep it sitting on the drive, some might say it’s just a lump of metal but to me it’s another part of him gone, I’ve closed the curtains so I don’t have to look at the empty driveway, does this physical pain ever go, will it become a dull ache that I can accept one day, I keep being told by well meaning family and friends to “think about all the happy times you had together” that’s even more painful because I’ll not be making any more “happy times” with Keith.

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Dear Renaultone,

I am so terribly sorry for what you are going through and for what you have been through, I know exactly how you are feeling as I went through the same thing seven years ago after losing my husband of 47 years. We had been together from him being 18 years of age.

What you said about your husbands car really hit home with me. I never learned to drive, I never wanted to learn to drive as my husband took me anywhere I wanted to go and I preferred to walk anyway.

After my husband died, our eldest son sold his dad’s car for me and I can remember the day the buyers came to our home to collect it, I could not meet them, I stayed in the kitchen out of the way and left it all to our son to sort everything out and when I heard it being driven down the drive and away for ever, I collapsed on the floor as I knew this was it for the rest of my life. Now there are no cars on our drive and when I look out of the window and see an empty space it still hurts after all this time.

There is no answer or cure for what we are going through and I doubt there ever will be, all I do know is that after seven years I still want him to come home again.

I too was told to think about the happy memories we made and now I seem to spend more time in the past, thinking about what was.

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Still very early days for you. I lost my Wife of 40 years, nearly 2 years ago. She was 59…me 58. I miss her every day. When i had to change our car it was so hard. Yes, it is only metal, but then everything they had was so precious. Monetary value means nothing…sentiment and memories are priceless. It does get a bit easier… but still hard. Only people who have been through it understand. Take care x

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Dear Renaultone

Just over a year for me. As others have said it is very early days and I am sure that you will still be in shock and trying to comprehend so many things. I still only take one day at a time.

I can relate to your comment about the car. We each had a car and after my husband died I wanted to hold onto his car even though mine was a more recent reg but then it started to breakdown (as did so many things in the house after the death of my husband) so I had no alternative but to sell it. Leaving it at the garage felt like leaving my husband all over again. Although my car is on the driveway I still look at the space where he would have parked up and it hurts.

I close my ears to others comments, except for those on this site who can understand our pain. I was married over 38 years and yes we made lots of memories but I thought I had years ahead of making more.

Thinking of you.
Sheila

Hi Sheila,
I had to comment after reading your tale about the car going as I was exactly the same. The garage collected it when my granddaughter happened to be here and we both cried buckets.
What I did, and unfortunately this is too late for you, but might help others, was to have his number plate transferred to me through DVLA and I had it put on my car. That helped. Hugs, Ann

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My daughter in-law took pictures of Keith’s car, I would have loved to have kept it but I don’t drive, it’s another part of him gone, we had lots of plans going nowhere in particular but going together, get so angry and feel so cheated

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Dear Renaultone

I have not touched anything else belonging to my husband. Its just over a year but cannot face clearing anything else away. Even his jackets still hang in the same place in the garage. Like yourselves we had plans - simple things like just to be together in retirement.

Although I have had counselling it has not dampened the anger. But for a motorbike I would still have my life, hopes and dreams. Now everything is just empty. Our grandson’s get me out of bed but like today when I do not have them it is difficult to get out of bed and do anything. Just another day of crying.

Our son did the same, he transferred my late husband’s private number plate to his wife’s car, I have never driven never wanted to and never had a licence so now when I see our daughter in law drive up sporting Peter’s number plate it still gives me a tingle down my spine. Our grandson (their son) is named after Peter so once our grandson learns to drive he will be able to transfer the number plate to his own car. I can see the number plate being in use for many years to come, long after I have gone.

I have a photo album of every single car we, as a family, have owned since 1967 and am still adding to it.

That’s lovely, Sheila. Yesterday, our two youngest grandchildren (13 and 19) asked me for a couple of his shirts. They want to have cushions made for their rooms. It has taken them 15 months to feel ready for that and I thought it was a great idea. They only want shirts they remember him wearing!
Cute!

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Dear Anne,

That is so lovely. I thought about having a quilt made out of Peter’s clothes but never did anything about it, it is too late now as I gave all his clothes to The British Heart Foundation three years after his death.

I didn’t think it was necessary for me to have anything like that because so much reminds me of him, not to mention all my diaries and holiday folders. I actually find it very hard here because everything reminds me of him. As I think of him many, many times a day anyway, I find that extremely hard. So much so that I am moving to a flat on the seafront in a neighbouring town in the next few months. Before this house, we had always had a sea view and I miss that.
Tony didn’t want to live there, although I always had a yen for it, but I never persuaded him. I could have done, but I am glad I didn’t.
Hopefully, this will be a new start where I can remember him frequently, as always, but on my terms!
Nice to speak to you again, Sheila. We will keep in touch, I am sure.
Hugs, Ann x

Dear Ann,

I am a wee bit jealous that you have the courage to move home and get yourself a little flat facing the sea. I would love to do that but after seven years without Peter I still cannot tear myself away from the home we shared from getting married. It is much too large for me, detached with extension and large gardens surrounding it with 9 ft evergreen flowering hedges, it is absolutely lovely but when I think of all the packing there would be to do after living here all this time and leaving my life I had with Peter behind, it just gives me the collywobbles. I know my memories would come with me but it is being able to look out of the windows and see in my minds eye, Peter playing with our children, washing the car, playing with our dogs, it is like it is actually happening and I don’t think I could leave that behind. I know it would be the sensible thing to do, get somewhere smaller but the question is, where do I actually want to move to and I can honestly say I have not got a clue. Perhaps if we had lived in different places my home would not be as important to me, but this is where we started our lives together and it hurts to be here without him but also hurts to think of being somewhere else without him, I just can’t win.

Lovely speaking to you too Ann, our lives should never have ended like this but we cannot change it so just have to make the best of things.

Love
Sheila.x

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I totally understand how you feel, and if this had been our first house, I am sure I would feel the same. Unfortunately, I don’t have such happy memories here because pretty soon after we moved in, I was very ill, and nearly died. Not long after that, both the tendons in Tony’s legs snapped out of the blue, and that was horrific. I wanted to move then but, frankly, I think he just couldn’t face the upheaval. This is a large house too, and I do not need all this space. I have had to have someone to do the garden as I always hated gardening. All in all, an expense I can do without.
You are right about the horrors of packing. I have had to get rid of a lot of stuff. I feel so bad getting rid of Tony’s stuff, and I shall keep certain items, but I really do need to leave here. I live in a village, which is quiet, and my sitting room is at the back. This means I see nothing going on in the village ( not that much does!) and sometimes I feel like I have died!
Where I am moving to, there is a very busy harbour, with ferries coming in and out all day. I used to work at the nearby docks, so it will be home from home for me. I also have a friend who lives in the next block, so it all looks like it’s the right thing to help me. The apartments are beautiful, and cheaper than this house, so I can buy some new furniture too!
Time will tell whether I have made the right decision, but it can’t be worse than being here.
Love,
Ann

Dear Ann.

From what you have said, I am sure you have made the right decision, it sounds absolutely gorgeous where you are moving to and if I had something similar nearer to where I live with a harbour and the sea, I would definitely be thinking about it but I don’t, I live on the outskirts of a city and it would mean me moving many, many miles away from our family to be near the sea and like I said, at my age it would be a silly thing to do as I don’t drive and it would be too far away for our family to visit on a regular basis.

Like yourself, my sitting room is also in the back so I don’t see a soul at all and as I am on top of a hill and have a long steep drive, I can’t see anyone passing from my front lounge either so I may as well be the only house on the street.

I am sure you have made the right decision, and I envy you for finding somewhere that sounds so fantastic.

Love
Sheila.xx

It is eight months since my darling husband David passed away , and I understand just how you feel , friends and family tell me to remember all the wonderful years we spent together, when I try the pain of Grief becomes intolerable, I just miss him so much and there will be know more happy times together . I hope like you that time will help ease the pain and one day I hope the daily tears will stop

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I’ve done the same I’ve kept my husbands 2 favourite shirts and his jacket and I breathe in his smell when I put them up to my face and then I cry some more crying now just thinking of him I’m so glad I found this site I don’t think people quite understand losing a partner unless they’ve been through it themselves it’s lovely being able to talk like this thanks everyone it really helps xxx

I do so understand how you feel , it’s been almost 8 months since my darling David a aw

I understand just how you feel , it’s 8 months since my Darling David passed away and I still cry every day, yes there are ma y wonderful memories but it’s so painful to remember the happiness we shared , the physical pain is so real , it’s just so hard to be on my own without David to share with everyday life

13 weeks since my beloved Keith died, yesterday would have been my husbands birthday the first without him, I didn’t feel as bad as I thought I would but my god today my world has fallen to pieces again, children and grandchildren visited yesterday but I just ended up exhausted keeping it together for them because they’ve lost their dad and are grieving too. Bed is such a comfort did get up eventually, managed to shower and get dressed in clean pj’s, have wasted the whole day doing nothing, hopefully tomorrow will be better.

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