I look across open countryside to the horizon with the hope that Alan my partner is out there looking back at me I hope to one day reach him out there but for now I am stuck here trying to make the best of it. The 13th of July will mark two years with out him I go through each day filling it and wishing he was there. At night I still sleep when my thought alow with his jacket I don’t no how long this will continue. I get my strength from him to go on I promise him I would be OK in his last hours I hold on to his last wards to me. I speak to Alan in those moments when I am unshore. What we had with ower loved one’s is so special the pain we have only does to prove that we go on because we must. Love and hugs to you all x
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Hi sorry for your loss 14 months for me like you I wish every day he was here with me. I always have his dressing grown next to me on the bed
Take care x
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Dear Cj13,
I think I know the countryside you are looking at and thinking of Alan.
Just weeks before he died, my husband and I spent a day walking in an area he had come across during the course of his work. It was somewhere he had wanted to show me and eventually we made it to this place he had found. Not far from you.
I remember that late summer day as being one of those truly perfect occasions. Just the two of us talking about anything and everything in a landscape we kept stopping to admire. I remember remarking how lucky we were to be able to be together in such a perfect place. Stunning scenery and not a sound to be heard. I thought it would be one of many days we would be able to spend together in our retirement but it was not to be as my husband died suddenly with no warning a few weeks later.
Whilst I am truly grateful to have experienced the perfection of that day, the fact I know that nothing in life will ever come close to that level of happiness is terrifying. We had so many happy times together but right now reliving them is too painful and I think always will be.
I can see the place where we walked in the far distance where I live and like you I look towards it and wish my husband could still see it. The lovely weather at the moment is a painful reminder to so many of us of what our soulmates are missing. I understand why your post is titled another day in paradise. Thinking of you. Xx
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I too think that with all our joyful memories in the last 32 years, life without my soulmate essentially means a life drifting downwards. There would be no more those perfect moments we treasured so much. There is nothing I can look forward to except to make it less unbearable so I may plod on to support my teenage daughter. There is no hope for future. I’ve never imagined the last leg of my life journey would be like this. It’s so cruel.
Like you I’ve been looking forward to many simple peaceful days for the 2 of us in our retirement planned next year. Our dream will never be fulfilled.
Tomorrow is a bank holiday here in Hong Kong. Summer comes and people are going out and enjoying life with easing of pandemic. This makes me feel all the more lonely.
sending hugs…
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I loved just being out in the countryside with my husband. A total feeling of happiness. Heartbreaking to think I will never feel that way again. The times I have felt everything has been so perfect I have had a niggling feeling that it can’t possibly last and usually something has gone downhill then but never, ever to this extent.
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Hi
The feelings are awful your early days rollercoaster of emotions hitting you head on. I hit rock bottom around the 10 month 15 months nearly now. Someone described it to me as 100 ft waves crashing into you you can’t stay afloat struggling to survive. The waves are still 100 feet high for me but they are calmer and days I can function other days I sink again learning to swim with the waves. I hope some day you feel a little better if this is possible.
Take care x
Thank you - I just don’t want to think of how long I could have left without him. I just keep going over things again and again as if it might alter what happened - although I know it can’t.
Jules 4, there are so many types of pain that we have to endure now. In this grief we are living in the past, what if ! hating the moment and scare of the future, that is how I feel. How can we find away through this ? I am sorry, I am not helping.
But you are not alone! x
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Hi @Kim5 and @Jules4,
I agree with the analogy of the waves. I liken a ‘good’ day to treading water just about managing to stay afloat and a bad day as constantly being buffeted by the waves and really struggling to come up for air.
As far as going over and over what could have been done differently there hasn’t been a single day for the last 19 months when I haven’t rewritten the script in my head. I have scoured the internet for answers to try and understand how someone can simply die so suddenly. And I constantly ask myself how I could have missed any symptoms that would lead to such a catastrophic outcome. Being told not to torture myself with what ifs etc isn’t helpful because I think it is an inevitable consequence of life changing in an instant.
Sadly it’s a feeling many of us understand. Xx
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Yes, with my husband dying suddenly and us not having the Coroner’s report yet I keep going over things. Why did I not notice or even sense something? How could it be over in the blink of an eye? What went wrong? Was I to blame?
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@Jules4
I get you beating yourself up, wracked with guilt. I do it myself every single day, its, why’s, should of, it doesn’t help us. You wouldn’t of guessed what was going to happen to your husband, he felt ok when he went off for his usual run, he wouldn’t of felt any different like any other day. Guilt is the process we go through and it can last a long time but we will eventually realise there is nothing we could of done, unfortunately. I know how you feel though, its really painful trying to figure it all out. I’m gradually realising there was nothing I could of done but I constantly torment myself with the if only I said or did this and that. This journey will take a long time with all different emotions jumping around, your not alone. I always think of others on here suffering, its heart breaking.
Amy x
Thank you Amy, I can’t help feeling that it was linked back to COVID that I gave him at the end of last year. Some many of these beautiful people would still be with us if this pandemic hadn’t have happened. It’s heartbreaking.
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