I have another horrible day today. Just crying and feeling sick. I took my tablets and even had a decent sleep but I am crying and cannot stop at all. Will it ever stop? I lost my beloved husband in February and still cannot believe that he is gone. I am on my own which might it even worse. I have to go to the library in the afternoon to pick up a book and hope that I do have not a breakdown again in the street.
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I’m so sorry you’re feeling like this. I have some awful days and then some not so awful days but I too can’t stop the crying and disbelief that he’s just not here
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@Annaessex . lm 5 months in and today l had a meltdown. You will never know how its gonna hit you, so go with the flow.
lm housebound and alone and today l was angry at the world, my sister (who’s been my rock months before hubby’s death and since), and believe or not , angry at my husband for leaving me in such a state. l even accused him for not even trying to get through to let me know he’s around, so accused even him of abandoning me like all the rest of the world.
So you see you have to react as you see fit, let go and to hell with the rest. Go for it girl… let rip. it’ll do you the power of good.
Sending buckets of hugs to be dispensed as & when needed.
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Dear Dizzapea, I went yesterday to the hairdresser to have something more normal in life again and it was not too bad and I thought it might have become more bearable. How wrong I was. The hairdresser suggested to join the local bereavement group but I do not drive and she said that I can take a bus. She does not understand that alone to get up and try to carry on with life cost already lots of energy. I cannot face going by bus, having the group, and returning again by bus because I know it would be too stressful for me. I know that there is a Zoom group but I do not have a computer camera or something like this. My husband was a computer nerd and I don’t have anyone who can help me with that. I hope that you are feeling better soon and that someone can help you with your grief. Hugs from Anna
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@Annaessex its not as simple as “just do the thing” is it? Everything is taking so much energy. I should have gone back to work today. Once again I couldn’t get out of bed til lunch. My friends have been incredible but theyre at a point where their lives have to go on and aren’t able to be around so much
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Dear Lotswife, Thank you for your reply. I cannot be angry with my big baby because I know that he did not want to leave me. I cannot be angry with anyone - especially not with him - because there is only a deep and consuming sadness in me. I hope I will be a bit better later because I have to go to the library to pick up a book. I am also sending lots of hugs and positive thoughts. 
Anna
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Dear Dizzapea, It is so true that so-called normal activities (laundry, cooking, etc) take all of a sudden all of our mental and physical energy. Just to get out of bed is hard work. I thought losing my father was bad, but there was my mother and we were grieving together, then my mother died and there was my husband picking me up. Now my husband is gone and I am truly on my own. I cannot share my memories of my childhood or travels or family gatherings with him no more. I even start planning my own funeral and set up a different will because my husband was the only one who knows what I wanted. I hope you are feeling better soon Hugs from Anna
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Hello everyone.
I had another horrible day today too … 8 months on. I seem to be having more and more horrible days. The worst part is no one really knows. I go to work, I walk our dogs, i seemingly carry on… so people think I’m okay !!!
Everyone else has moved on… Dealing with their own challenges…but I’m just broken. And I don’t think I will ever mend. Just so sad and lonely all the time, even when I’m with people … I just want my husband back so so much. My only comfort is that I’m dealing with it, and not him…cos I would have hated him to have to this intense grief and sadness.
I’ve only recently found this website, and so glad I have. It’s helping so much read all the posts on all these feeds. So much resonates, and it’s comforting to know others Get how I feel
Thank you all of you x
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Dear Cathphil, I also cannot understand that the people around me just getting on with their lives because my life is shattered and I am not whole anymore. But I started to enjoy reading books again and could even finish one library book in time. Small steps forward but sometimes also steps backward again. I am wishing you all the best for the coming long weekend. Hugs from Anna
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No its not so simple to do things. Everything takes a lot of energy when you are grieving ! Even when i talk to peoole if they mention my husband i just want to cry 
and other times i just feel drained from fighting with the grief and sadness of it all 
its so tough 
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Another day when I felt anxious and nervous stomach in knots and feeling so low and sick .going to ring doctors today
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You are all so right about how much hard work everything is. Even small things. Grieving is TOTALLY EXHAUSTING. I’m so tired all the time.
Like all of us dreading another holiday weekend. Last weekend hit me very hard…I came to the stark realisation that I actually have NOTHING to look forward to anymore. That has its own devastating event on the whole grieving process
Losing your husband/wife/partner like no other loss. Literally every thing has changed. I actually don’t feel whole. I feel like a different person. Who I don’t even particularly like. I miss the old me too. And I’ve forgotten how to smile. And I miss that too.
Smiles are fake…to make everyone else feel better, as they think your okay.
Thank you so much for this way of being able to express my feelings, without judgement. Virtual hugs to you all xx
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Dear Martyn 2
I hope you have a good GP who can help you. I’m lucky there. I have a wonderful one she was wonderful to my husband helping me to look after him, and she really cares about me now too.
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There giving me a call back .but feeling so low today again
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Doctor was really helpful this morning. Sorted out my anti depressants out .referred me to a greif counsellor at our surgery and mental health team as well
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Dear Martyn2
I’m so glad your GP was helpful
You take care x
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Poor guy … you take care … its awful what grief can do to us xxx
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Yesterday I felt I achieved something just because for the umpteenth time I managed to upload a nice photo of my husband onto the memorial that was set up from the newspaper notice. No one else had bothered to put anything at all. You click on his name on the internet and it pops up. I needed a photo on there so he is remembered not just that he never existed. So I found a photo when he didn’t look old and I’ll. Then I felt good I typed what his job was and what he was like. I do hope someone else will write on it. Looking back at the funeral I couldn’t see those that came as it was really hard and missed a lot of what they would have said. Now it is too late.
It is nice to know things I didn’t know.
It is strange as I can’t ask him now and have this desire to find out.
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