Another horrible Weekend

Hi Diana, my immediate next door neighbour was very close to my husband, always round our house, chatting over the garden fence. Since he died, our neighbour says hello and says if you need anything you know where we are. But now I rarely ever see him or his wife unless I make the effort to speak to them first.
It was a couple of work colleagues more than my friends that didn’t know what to say or just avoided me.

That is the one thing I have noticed my friends I just don’t see them now, I think they keep away because they don’t know what to say and also we were all couples and I don’t think they want a single person to tag along. So not only have I lost my dear wife but friends as well.

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Hi, my daughter said to me it’s because your on your own mum, couples see you as a threat trying to find another partner. No worries there, there is and only will be one man in my life and he’s not here . :broken_heart:

Hi Debbie, yes, it seems it’s quite common for people to avoid us because they don’t know what to say. It’s such a shame because it’s at these times when we are most in need of friends and colleagues. I wonder if it’s sometimes because people don’t even want to face the prospect of death at all.

Hi Diana
Yes, I have experienced the same thing. Some lifelong friends have just disappeared while one or two others have come to the fore and been really helpful. People I didn’t expect to hear from. I really do feel people are embarrassed and don’t know what to say. After two weeks one said to me, ‘are you feeling better now?!!’ I think it is impossible for them to understand until they have been there. I am three years in now and still the pain overwhelms me and weekends are definitely the worst for the reasons you mention I think. Family can be very difficult and insensitive, friends much more reliable.
This site gives such comfort as we are all in this together and can offer much needed support. Take care and wishing you well. Christine


Hi Mickere

Been there done that got the T-shirt.

Things will get better as time goes by.

Have you got a cat or dog?

When my hubby died 7 years ago I felt my world had come to an end and I just existed for a few weeks/months. Then I started to visit the places we’d gone together, yes it hurt like mad but gradually I was able to do it without crying.

One of the first trips I’d made was to our favourite beach and was sat there balling my eyes out then noticed people walking their dogs and thought “if I had a dog I cud walk up and down the beach” I went home was looking at Facebook and someone was selling 7 puppies. Next day I went to see them and came home with my wonderful companion (my substitute hubby) as I call her. Yes it was hard in the beginning, but she’s my reason to get up in the morning. I love going to the beach with her. She listens to me and the house isn’t empty anymore.

Don’t bottle up your feelings. Your wife wouldn’t want you to hide from the world.

Embrace your new found life. Take up a new hobby. Revisit all your old haunts. Get the photos out and reminisce. Invite some friends over and reinvent your social life.

Hope you get through your tough time. Don’t forget you’ve a lot to live for with your daughter and maybe grand children.

Hope this helps.

Take care. Lots of luv and healing



Hi Christine
Everything you have said resonates so very much with me. It’s four and half years ago now since I lost Paul and I still feel heartbroken about that and dumfounded about the way some friends and some relatives, well my two sisters, have let me down. My lifelong best friend from school disappeared on me when I couldn’t arrange to meet her for a coffee during a weekend she happened to be coming down to London to visit her daughter. I had not been aware previously that she was coming down for the weekend and I explained to her on the phone that Paul had just recently died and that I would be spending that particular weekend doing a final clearing out of Paul’s rented flat. She was furious, showed no compassion and has cut me out of her life. Another good friend I’d known for about 15 years saw my facebook post a year after Paul died - I don’t post often and it was my first (and only) one about Paul, but I wrote “I lost my soulmate a year ago today. RIP” and that friend posted on my facebook page for all to see “Thinking of you. Time to move on!” That particular friend used to be quite bossy with me about all sorts of things, like I had the “wrong iPod”, the “wrong phone” etc. and I let that all go over my head but this time around I thought she can criticise my choices about what I buy etc but she has no right to tell me how to feel! I may have mentioned in an earlier message about my two sisters who I call regularly to ask them how they are doing and to follow up medical appointments but they never ask how I am. Yesterday, I had a hospital appointment and I had told one of my sisters about it two days ago. The appointment actually turned out to be very upsetting and I would love it if just for once that sister had called to ask how I got on. That has rubbed salt in the wound by making me feel even more alone in the world. I’m sorry, this is a bit miserable but tbh I am pleased to have an opportunity to talk about these extra losses on top of the original, life-altering loss of my boyfriend. To add a positive, I must say that something for which I am extremely grateful is that the local Hospice ran a bereavement group which I attended after Paul died. I met many lovely people there, in particular three lovely ladies who all live within a stone’s throw of me! We had all lived around here for years and years and never met before. We get together, chat on the phone etc. all the time. What I love about it is if someone cries or needs some practical help the others are always there to support. At other times we can laugh a lot, because we feel like a kindred spirit and feel comfortable with each other. We also know that if one of us mentions our deceased partner’s name in passing none of us will roll their eyes in that “here she goes again” way, simply because we’ve all been there. I am so glad too to have found this site as it is a great source of comfort to me. I am also very lucky to have a wonderful niece and, even though they live at the other end of the country, she and her wonderful kids are the best part of my life. Apologies that this is rather long-winded but I feel better for having said it and maybe it’ll resonate with someone else. None of us wants to feel alone. Diana


Don’t apologise Diana, it does us good to air our feelings. How can people be so unfeeling and dismissive. Just goes to show the best friends are sometimes new ones that know you well and understand.

Hi Diana
It is good to get all your fears and anxieties off your chest, so don’t apologise. I am sorry you have had some bad news with regard to a medical condition and I do hope you can get some support and consolation from the Hospice ladies. They seem very kind and supportive. The fact that we have suffered such a devastating loss in our lives brings us so close to others in the same situation even if we have had no previous contact. When I lost my partner I contacted the local hospice for support but they said they couldn’t help me as he hadn’t been in the hospice. I was so distraught that I contacted the local NHS mental health department who were so helpful. They contacted the hospice for me who were then able to offer help as it had come through an NHS department. Bereavement groups face-to-face are still not running though. I have no family support so I long for companionship with those who understand. Talking about our loved ones helps so much and it hurts when he is not mentioned in conversations with friends. He is always with me and I want to include him. I hope other people may find help from my experience if they are unable to access support. Christine

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I am Sorry for Your Loss.:broken_heart:

I lost my partner three weeks ago and am still in a daze day In day out. I can’t stop crying as everything around me has attachment to her.

She was only 65 Died in her sleep whilst having a long lie in because she said she was tired. I feel so much guilt about not waking her but leaving her sleeping as I checked on her and she was fine at that time, but when I went to wake her for tea I found that she had Died.

I am Devastated, haven’t eaten much since, can’t sleep for being mind troubled c by the guilt I feel for leaving her sleeping in the first instance of looking in on her.

I am disabled and She was my Rock.
Now I’m Broken inside, but my friend as advised to me we must join in with the forum and find new friends to talk to and exchange conversations of the Great Times of our relationship and find a way forward from crying to laughing again. Wishing You All The Best and I hope you/ me can go on making the most of our changed circumstances. :heart:‍:adhesive_bandage:


Thank you SO much Christine. What a lovely person you are. Our stories do seem to have certain synergies. Paul hadn’t been in a Hospice either. The hospital often talked to him about it but he refused point blank and stayed in the hospital. He actually ordered a 32" tv for the side ward we’d been given four and a half hours before he died! That’s how convinced he was that he wasn’t dying! We were discussing the Archers at 7.30 pm and he died, suddenly, at 9 p.m. A great way to go I suppose, though it did come as a terrible shock for me…I’d been lured into not believing the obvious reality myself but I loved his positivity. But I digress. After he died I found a card at his flat addressed to “Friends and relatives of Paul…” It was from a Palliative nurse, offering to help. I called her and she put me in touch with the Hospice local to Paul, in the Maida Vale area. I called them and when they realised I lived in Battersea the Hospice put me in touch with Trinity at Wandsworth! it is just a leap across Clapham Common for me and that’s how I met my new local friends! All kind of serendipity! I’m so glad you were finally referred to a bereavement group. I think ours is also closed for now but by then we had swapped numbers so are able to keep in touch that way. It must be very hard otherwise. I am totally with you when you say it hurts when friends don’t include him in conversations. I don’t think they have any idea how painful that can be. I’m not sure whether we are allowed to ask each other on here where we live but we seem to have a lot in common and I would be happy to meet to chat further…if such things are possible?

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Dear Andymac

Oh, my heart goes out to you. Only three weeks ago. That is so new, so raw. You are probably only just taking it in, sometimes forgetting it has actually really happened. But I would say, please don’t beat yourself up about not waking her up. I don’t know how ill she might have been, or not…but either way, you couldn’t have known that she was about to die. I have a friend who for some reason feels really bad that his girlfriend died in his house in his arms. There was no time for him to take her to hospital and I just tell him to think how wonderful that he was there for her in that moment. That doesn’t always happen because death can sometimes be very unpredictable. I count my blessings that I was with my Mum when she went and I was with my Dad four hours before he drifted off in his sleep and then again with my boyfriend when he died. Many people don’t manage that. You partner is so fortunate that you were there with her. How wonderful for her. I’m glad your friend advised you to join this group. Here we can share our thoughts and soon find that others are feeling the same way as we are, not that any relationship or bereavement is the same but somehow we all share a certain understanding. It is very important for you to be able to talk about your partner, as you say, remembering the good times as well as the unavoidable pain of losing them. That is what this site is for. Feel free to talk about her and to share your feelings. It will help you and no-one will mind, in fact people will welcome your openness. I wish I could send you a bandage. Hang on in there and be assured you are not alone. Diana


Christine, thank you too for your support about my hospital appointment. It wasn’t actually bad news, just a rather bad experience on the day. I’ll get the results in a few weeks’ time but am keeping positive.

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Hi ! Thankyou very much for your comforting comments. You are right in that I have not yet taken in that She is Gone.

Such a Loss is Cruel and so is the Grief that goes with that.

I still cry every day in such sorrow and with that comes no want to eat and I can sleep only when I am so exhausted that I can’t stand up anymore.

It’s so hard trying to go on in such a sudden change to days as were. I’m so lost in Grief meantime but I must overcome that and adjust to my life as it has become.

Wishing You The Best and Thank You for Kindness in the answer to my post.:star:

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I know exactly how you feel, my partner died one and half years ago, am going through what you are going through, she was such a big part of my life, we lived for each other, with each other, wow its so very hard.


I lost my partner in 19th.January this year suddenly and unexpectedly.We were together for thirty nine years and it is so hard to come to terms with.
Life seems to have lost all meaning ,we did everything together.It’s been almost four months since he died and everyday seems tougher than the last.
I wish I could offer you some words of comfort but there is one thing I will say is don’t think you Must " overcome.That puts so much pressure on you.
Grieving is a natural process and some days you feel so dreadful you just want to curl up and cry.I took to bed for almost a week and it did make me feel even worse.I make sure I get up every morning,eat something whether I feel like it or not and try to occupy my mind.
I know how dreadfully hard it is especially if you are now alone but try not to force yourself too much,your emotions are raw so please go easier on yourself.
Sending love and support your way.x


Going back to mickere’s first post, the loneliness of weekends…. Our friends do not understand because they haven’t been through it … some of my friends “comforted” me by saying some of their widowed friends were relieved when their partner died :open_mouth:

Weekends are the time when it’s all about family, Sunday roasts and BBQ’s in the summer … so hard when you have no family … and friends are married and cosy. It just brings home the loss… my way forward is to look for the positives in being able to do whatever I want whenever I want and to try to adjust to enjoying my time alone, ever thankful for the memories…… it’s hard …


Hi i can understand exactly how you feel ,i lost my wife 2 months ago, i now finding i am spending days on my own and only go out for shopping. Everybody says keep busy, but in my case starting to suffer from depression, and still waiting for the pills to kick in. I am lacking energy Have some family and one or 2 freinds ,but to be honest when i really need them cant get hold of them . She was a young 61 and her illness was very sudden i became her carer for last 6 to 8 weeks of her life, 24/7 the last few years we were together virtually 24/7 as well. To watch somebody who wasactive to go downhill so fast really gets to me. She kept functioning until the last 8 days, her responses in those days were odd smile ,returned kisses and nods, until last day just got a kiss and 4 hours later she was gone! I loved her deeply and cared,
I feel i have no purpose anymore and wonder why i am keeping going, this week , i was really bad nearly took overdose, luckily next door came over to see me and it lifted me, i can see it happening again although i am fighting those dips but i still dont see whyto be honest. I have loads to do but cant be bothered ,sorry to drone on.


Hi @Dipstick

I’m so sorry to hear about your wife. I’m hearing how painful this is for you and want you to know you’re never alone. There’s always someone out there to help you through this.

Whenever you feel these thoughts of wanting everything to end get too much, you can reach out to one of the following organisations who are always just a call or text away anytime you would like someone to talk to:

  • Samaritans are available 24/7 to talk about anything that you are worried about in confidence. You can call them on 116 123.
  • Shout are contactable by text, 24/7. You can text SHOUT to 85258 and talk to them about anything.
  • If you have any concerns for your health or safety, call 999 or go to your nearest A&E.

If you’re interested in counselling, we offer free sessions at Sue Ryder. You can also make an appointment with your GP and ask to be referred to counselling or other support services in your area.

You deserve this support, so please keep reaching out.

Take care,


Online Community team

Yes, it is hard, very hard, so many of us suffering in loneliness and isolation. People do not understand or they would reach out to help and those of us with no families find it doubly difficult. I am trying to make the weekends as different as possible from how they used to be. I now go to the supermarket on a Sunday and it makes the whole day feel different and more manageable as I have never done such a thing in my life before. Making small adjustments to your daily routine can also help I think. Finding distractions, things that will concentrate the mind also help. I hope you are getting through the weekend as best you can. Take care.

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