Another Long And Lonely Night

Another long and lonely night filled with sorrow when we should be sitting with our partners watching the television talking about who’s passing the window or comments about the television our own conversations that kiss goodnight the security of knowing that they are next to you overnight now all there is a empty silent house feel so desperate all I want is my soulmate back in my arms im utterly truamatised can’t believe what has happened we dreamed of growing old together everything my hopes if growing old together he was my soulmate I miss him so much the pain is unbearable it’s getting worse hourly the anxiety is overwhelming we were so happy this time last year im utterly heartbreakon Adele x

Adele I’m with you and have just posted the same thing. My hubby was only 49yrsold and joked about him being my toy boy as I’m 5 yrs older. It just doesn’t seem right. I feel I have been robbed of the life we were looking forward to having and were just starting to have. We became grandparents 6 months ago and were loving spending time with our granddaughter. We had our caravan on a seasonal pitch and were spending our weekends and holidays there chilling and now it’s all gone.
Like you we would have been sat together on sofa watching countryfile and chatting about the coming week. The coming week which is now so empty apart from my first counselling session and an appt with the cats at the vet.

I’m so sorry for your loss it’s heartbreaking yes another long lonely silent night full of sorrow ahead wishing our future hadn’t been robbed taken from us I still tell myself he’s at the shops or in hospital and look out of the window thinking he will walk up the street im utterly truamatised witnesing it all happen in front of my eyes im glad you have your granddaughter I hope that brings some comfort it’s the worst pain ever to describe the agony and anguish second by second just want him back in my arms take care as much as possible I hope your sessions are of help good luck in my thoughts Adele x

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I know how you feel. Today was such a nice day me and my partner would of been out for a walk. Instead I was in doing housework which I had to push myself to do. I say to people you can’t replace the things we did as a couple. You take growing old together for granted. Look after yourself .
Christine x

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Thankyou for your message me and Edward too would have been for a nice walk sat in the garden where we always joked and laughed I could not even bring myself to open the blinds today I wish I could go back to meeting him all over again I hope tomorrow is kinder to you take care of yourself as much as possible in my thoughts Adele x

I know exactly how you feel. My partner of 30 years passed away suddenly last November. Six months on and I still can’t believe it. Nothing seems real. I miss him so much. We were an ordinary couple, watching tv, taking the dogs for a walk, and I miss it. He was only 49, would have been 50 in April. He was my toy boy, I will be 60 at the end of this month and I just want to forget it. I have been really struggling this week, feeling angry and guilty. Could I have done more. I didn’t even have the chance to tell him how much I loved him.

I too feel your pain. Just getting through the days is my reply when I’m asked how I am. Five months on and it’s like yesterday. I sit at home every night on my own. So different to when it was ‘us’ just being together. Sometimes not talking but just knowing they’re with you. I don’t think I will ever get over the sadness I feel every day. It’s a big birthday in 1st June and my family want to celebrate. I just want to curl up on my own and wallow in my own grief. It wasn’t supposed to be like this xx

Ade, a very familiar picture for all of us who have lost our partner. My lovely Hilary died just after Christmas after fighting cancer bravely for three years - always positive and bubbly and never complaining. I have had a tough week - the same thing, I have been stoic and active but now my emotions are increasingly vulnerable and fragile - and the house feels so much quieter without chatty Hils. It’s not nice, it’s a horrible place to be. I’ve found my bereavement counselling very helpful, and some of these forum threads too.
Stick with it, keep busy, use your friends and family for support, and hopefully it will get easier for all of us eventually.
Take care, Simon

Hi Ade
I know exactly how you feel.Since my wife passed away coming up for 3 years,I’ve only been able to sleep for about 2 hours at a time,and hate going to my bed now that it’s empty after 50 years.Usually I end up sleeping when watching the TV or trying to read a book.
It’s the worst time of the day starting in the evening until the morning.Havent you got someone who you could phone when your feeling so low at nightime.I can survive the day o.k.but nightime is hellish when you’re alone with your thoughts.
Brian

Hi Adele, really feel for you, only lost my Mum just over a week ago and the pain is unbearable. Went to see her in the chapel of rest and I told the undertaker I had a chest pain ever since I lost her, he told me it’s a broken heart and it’s true. Please try and stay strong Adele I know it’s so hard, sending you lots of love x

What you say is exactly how I feel, i lost my beautiful wife Pat, 5 weeks ago, we were married for 46 years, we did everthing together, I also have the tv on all night, it is the only way that l can fall asleep, i get upset when anyone speaks to me, people say go for a drive in the car, but I feel so lonely doing that, as we always went out together, we were planning to do a lot of things in the summer, its the thought of this, that really upsets me.

Hi Tony its just over a month for me and I don’t know how I’m going to cope. I’m sitting having already screamed at the world, I hate my home now, my grass needs cut and I can’t move. I really wish you could buy a ticket and join them as there is nothing here any more. I have had great support on here but I want Colin back. I pray each day will be my last so I can be with him again. I have no one visiting and only the phone and the Samaritans to speak to. God knows how this is supposed to work its inhuman to expect us to suffer the pain. I hope you find some peace. Katie xx

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Hi Tony. It’s hellish and it doesn’t seem to be getting any better for me ,but it must be really painful for you as it’s so recent.I can’t stand silence in my house,so I’m either watching TV,or on the computer.Silence means I have thoughts that I don’t want to dwell on.
The lost feeling I have,looks like it’s not going away,as I’ve lost my rudder.Ce la vie
Brian

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Hi katie, thanks for your reply, I am sorry for your loss, I also feel so lonely all the time, I would love to just hold pat one more time, and tell how much l love her,l miss her so much, l have two son’s nearby, but they and their partner’s work during the day,so l can only see them for a short time in the evening’s, it is then really upseting coming back to a empty house, I find the nights are the worse, we were always talking, and it is so quiet now, I really wish I could wake up and find it was a terrible dream, l also hope that you can find some peace somehow, at least we have someone to talk to on here. xx

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Hi brian, yes it really is still hurting so much,i I also keep the tv on during the day and also in the bedroom during the night, because the silence is unbearable, because we did everything together I find it very difficult going out, I get upset when anyone speaks to me, so I tend to stay in a lot, it is a little bit of help speaking to people about it on this site . Tony.

Hello

I lost my husband almost two weeks ago - I know I am still in shock but would do anything to have him back. I had to take the car to the garage today (safety recall thing) - and was fine until my son called me on the way home and the last time I spoken to anyone on the phone from the car was my husband. Tears and sadness. Then I went to the shops and kept looking round for him (he was always getting lost - no sense of direction) - tears on the escalator. We used to laugh and joke all the time and I just feel so miserable now. I do work still (am 63) and will go back but goodness knows I am in no fit state yet - I was considering giving up but think it best I keep busy -but we shall see.
I too hate the silence - but cannot bring myself to put the TV on yet as that was something we would do together. So many first hurdles to get through. I have avoided neighbours too -not me at all - and have to gear myself up to speak to people who want to hear from me. The pain is physical - this is heartbreak.
I am going go and cut the grass - or maybe not… Take care and talk to us again - you are right it does help to talk to people who are in the same situation.
Trisha

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Hello Trisha I’m so sorry for your loss at least we are able to write our feelings down on here. I’m 5 weeks and have cried all day. I took myself out and was ok but back in and crying again. Don’t know how we endure this pain but hope you get some spells of peace. Love Kate xx

Hi Trish, sorry for your loss, i also avoid my neighbours, as I also keep getting upset when I speak to them, i also can’t go to the supermarket as we were friendly with most of the staff and I know that they would ask where she was, this again would set me off, my son sometimes visits on an evening, but when he leaves, it hits me quite hard, (the loneliness) I am thankfull for this group, and lovely people like yourself for talking to me, keep your chin up. Tony. xx

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Dear Kate
Thank you for your message. This forum really helps me and does make me realise we are all going through the same thing here. I put the tv on this afternoon - could not watch anything I would have watched with Gary - but a step forward. I feel oddly calm at the moment - but everything comes in waves. My son is going home tonight and my daughter will be at work tomorrow - so will be on my own so not sure how that will go. I do have to go to the solicitors tomorrow though and need to do some other stuff for the funeral.
I am so sorry you are having a bad time today. It is not fair is it - any of this. No one warns you about this bit of your life do they - mind you it is only when you experience it you understand it. Five weeks is not much longer than two - it is all still raw. Lets keep talking - it does help. And is easier than speaking as I think it allows us to open up more. We have the humanist coming soon to talk about the service - feels like it should be about someone else - not my Gary. So am going to do a quick tidy… Take care and maybe speak later.
Trisha x

Dear Tony
I am so sorry for your loss too. I went to the shops but not the supermarket I usually went to with Gary - have avoided that at all costs. Instead I am topping up with things at the co-op and the garage! Doubt I will go back to my local Sainsburys - as I will always see him sitting waiting for me. Oh this is so hard isn’t it? I have just replied to Kate and told her I will be on my own pretty much tomorrow - as my son is going home tonight and my daughter went back to work today. She will be home in the evening though - but sooner or later she will need to do the things that other youngsters do and go out with her friends. Then it will be all about filling the time. I am going to go back to work but at 63 find it quite tiring - so I do have plans to do some volunteering in the evenings - but whether I will have the energy who knows! I cannot allow myself to think of the future - that is way too hard. When they say a day at a time I know what they mean. It means get through this day and don’t think past that. You had your lovely wife for many years - as I had my husband - it is hard that we have now lost them but we were lucky to have had them. Some people never have that love in their lives - but now we don;t have them it is like a whole part of us is missing. All the lovely messages on here help - they don’t take the pain away but it helps to focus on others. Take care and keep messaging.
Trisha x

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