Thanks Trisha, it does help to talk, untill next time, good wishes, tony xx
Hi Trisha and a big well done for being able to put the tv on that is a big step. It’s all the firsts not just anniversaries but even songs. I’ve not put the radio on since Colin died and last week so brave went to an exercise class where they played Lionel Ritchie and I was devastated as Colin would sing to me for fun. Don’t know how tonight will go but not expecting too much. My mornings are the worst when it all hits again. I wish you a peaceful night and sending a big hug. K xx
Thanks Kate. Yes mornings are awful. Well done you too on the exercise class. Let us talk again tomorrow xx
Been awake since 2.41am exactly. I could get up and do some work but no motivation. It was 12 months Sunday since Alan passed away, it’s still as heartbreaking as ever. The pain I feel is just as strong as it was 12 months ago.
We’ve been given a life sentence and the crime committed was to love someone so much to want to spend the rest if your life with them, then find out it has always been a love where one is left behind to continue living in an empty world without the life of their life.
I’ve never felt so alone and these silent hours in the middle of the night are filled with emptiness, an emptiness so deep it becomes impossible to overcome.
The lack of contact from family, both my side and Alan’s over this milestone anniversary weekend shows just how alone and solitary life becomes when you lose your loving husband/wife/partner.
I’ve been told to stop wallowing in self pity as I should be over my loss after 12 months, and be getting on with my life, this was from someone who assumed the role of a friend, this person is not a friend, not anymore, they’ve not got a singje a clue about any of this. As I have said, no longer a friend,
Another long lonely night lying awake, perhaps I should get up and use this time to do something worthwhile, but where does it end.
Jen☆
Thank you Bristles, shortly after Alan passed away, I was consumed with going to join him. I’m a great believer in the spirit world and truly believe in an afterlife.
I kept asking him to come for me, I even had the means for me to be ‘ready’. I pleaded and begged him to, then one day after my, by then regular and persistent, pleading he told me he’d promised he’d come for me when it’s my time but he wasn’t permitted to come for me if forced. I knew straight away what this meant and from that split second I’ve never asked again. I want yo be with him more and more each day but will continue to live my days here with him by my side in spirit until I reach my time to be with him in spirit too, rather than ‘force my departure’ and spend eternity without him.
The phrase ‘where will it end’ I was referring to the sleepless nights, the lack of motivation, the loss of interest in things we once enjoyed together. Once I start writing, all sorts of feelings and thoughts come to the surface which is another reason I write in my journal , it gives me another way to communicate with Alan.
Some days i don’t feel as bad, most days I feel rock bottom. My plan for today and the rest of this week, is to get all the necessary reports completed to hand to clients (I’m retiring as a self employed chartered certified accountant), can’t cope with the pressure or focus on it anymore. Alsn wanted me to retire 5 years ago, I sold off part of my practice but just kept a few sole traders on the books. I am now in the process if selling the remaining part too. Really don’t want it anymore. Lost interest in it all.
Sorry for the long winded reply,
Also I’m so sorry for your loss, these feelings remain with us don’t they.
Blessings
Jen☆
Hi Jen I too am ready if this pain doesn’t ease but I would love to know more about how your husband was able to tell you not to force your passing. I’d love to hear from Colin how is it possible? K xx
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Sending you a private message Katie ☆
Well here I am again, embarking on yet another sleepless night, I really need some sleep, I’ve still got the last box of sleeping pills prescribed by my GP, but reluctant to resume taking them again. May try to reas a little, lost interest in so many things I used to enjoy
Blessings
Jen☆
Dear Jen
I sleep-but not much passed about 5.30 - so at most five hours sleep. My daughter is the one that cannot sleep. I still have things to do for the funeral - but really do not feel like it today. Surely it must get better eventually -so many people have lost loved ones and they seem to carry on. Not in the same way - ever - but there must be something to look forward to. I was speaking to one of my friends last night - whose husband walked out on her twice - she still cries and is lonely - but her husband chose to leave her - ours didn’t they had no choice in it. Someone else I know can tell you to the hour when his wife told him it was over - twelve years later. I do not think I understood that before now. But we can be a bit smug here and know we were truly loved and that loves goes on - even if we cannot touch it anymore.
Hope you rest today.
Trisha x
Thank you Trisha, it was 12 months Sunday last, 19th May, that Alan passed, he went into hospital May Bank holiday, 7th May last year , I’ve not had a full night’s sleep in all that time, even with the aid of sleeping pills. I’m thinking that if tonight is to be another sleepless night then I may, for my own peace, take one. I’m unsure.
When Alan passed, one so called friend said 'you’re single now, go out and enjoy yourself, then added she’s been singje years and loves it. I told her I wasn’t single, nor did I want to go out, plus she’s singje by choice, I had no choice if being on my own, this was 4 weeks after Alan passed.
Another divorced 'friend ’ suggested I started going out to clubs with her now I’m on my own, that was said at Alan’s funeral. Needless to say, I no longer see these two so called friends and I don’t miss their company one little bit.
Alan and I celebrated our 50th wedding anniversary March last year, 6 weeks later he passed away, and I’ve not had a singje day where I’ve not cried. Some days I cry buckets, some days it takes me a few hours to compose myself before going through the door.
The life we have been forced to live is not the life we chose, none of us did, did we. Being divorced is different to losing your husband/wife through bereavement, yet many equate the two to be the same.
Hope you have a better day than yesterday,
Blessings and baby steps, one day at a time, or take it one hour at a time. I have in the past when caught up in a rollercoaster day.
Jen☆
Dear Jen
I am so sorry for your loss. You definitely do not need those type of friends - they obviously do not understand what it is to have a true life partner that they loved deeply and who loved them deeply in return. The friend I was talking to in no way compared my loss to hers - she said my Gary was one of the few good guys. She adored the complete horror she was married to and she continues to love him. She has not found anyone else - and is not looking - nor is the other person - who lives in constant despair. They are not single and having fun through choice. I know our circumstances are different bu the pain we feel we are united in. I know there will never be anyone who will take Gary’s place - so if I have the energy (and I am not sure how that will pan out) - I intend to try and fill my time by helping others. Gary was very kind - always gave money to homeless people, supported the Salvation Army and had great empathy with others less fortunate. I also witnessed when my mother was in hospital for months and months - how few people visited the other ladies in there. I went every night almost without exception - sometimes she was really cross with me as she thought she was well enough to go home and thought I was keeping her there, We had always battled a little. My daughter would come too and do her nails and I would often talk to the others on the ward - and my mother would be cross about that too. I don’t know what I will be able to do - but this gives me something to work towards.
I really hurts today again - as I know from what you say - it will continue to do so. I thought I would not be able to get out of bed today - but I give my daughter a lift to the station and then thought I would week the front garden when I got back just now. Did not do much only about 10 minutes but it looks better. It is my son I am worried about now - he has been so strong for us - but is so so down. He went home two days ago but he can work from home so has not been into the office - I encouraged him last night to do that - as it helps to be around others.
Do you manage to go out at all? How do you fill your day? I am not sure if I am allowed to do this - but if you would like to talk - I would be happy to speak with you and could private message you my number.
Previously when not able to sleep - I found watching the shopping channel that goes on all night helpful- but that was only when I was worrying about other things - that now seem so trivial.
Are you able to rest a bit in the afternoon instead. It does not matter when we get our sleep as long as we are getting some. If you want a sleeping tablet - take one. No more than one though ! My mother was a little addicted to them - when she died we found packets of zopiclon hidden in the airing cupboard as the district nurse monitored her medicine -so she hid them!
Take care and message back soon.
Trisha x
Hi Trish, just having some breakfast, shall message you presently.
I now have a year old pug called Ada, the viewing for her came up the day after Alan’s funeral, we had put on hold looking for a companion for our daughters pug Winston, it will be 2 years on Friday since we lost little Henry, he was Winston’s brother (same litter) he was only 13 months old. I was devastated.
I have Winston every day our daughter is at work so both he and Ada help get me up and about every day, Ada usually wakes me around 6am, she’s staying at our daughter’s this week, I was supposed to be having a new loft ladder installed but they’re not coming now until Saturday. I’m using this free time to get all the necessary reports ready to hand to clients. I’m a self employed chartered certified accountant, but since Alan passed I cannot focus on doing the work, it’s been causing multiple anxiety attacks each day so I have made the decision to retire. Alsn wanted me to do so 5 years ago, so I streamlined my practice. I work from home so don’t interact with a workplace.
There are other things I want to resume doing which at present I feel I can’t until i get these reports completed.
I have started accepting some social invitations, I am actually going out tonight with the wife of one of Alan’s friends , I only met her when she came to his funeral, she’s member of the club where aksn and his friends go to watch football and have a Saturday afternoon drink, I’ve been asked a couple of times to become a member, but always declined, it was a place Alan went with his mates from before they all retired, I’d never been in there, anyway , I’ve decided to join tonight, and shall see his it goes.
Blessings ☆ Jen ☆
Hi Jen
Well done you for accepting that invitation. No doubt it will be hard - but your husband would be proud of you for doing this.
I am off over the road to the funeral directors in a minute to take them a photo for the order of service. But we still cannot decide on the music - that for me is the hardest bit as Gary was all about music from the day we met .
I also need to go and see the lady who is doing the catering for the wake - so need to call her - and pay for the flowers. So possibly a busy day - or maybe not - I may just ignore all of it for another day.
I know I want to go back to work but we are heading into a new major event and whilst I think I could work from home it is the people I work with that I am dreading seeing. Some are true friends - but I do not know how I will react to the wave of sympathy. I can understand your anxiety attacks - and yes maybe you should give up. Accountants are a valued occupation - so finish what you are doing now and if in a year or so - or a few months you feel like taking on some work again you can dabble. You maybe just need some time to yourself without considering others.
Loft ladder - we have one of those - but ended up putting the stuff up in the loft and have not visited it since. Gary hated heights - could not get past rung three - and me well not the most agile. Son hates spiders - so he is out of the equation!
I had better go and get dressed - what a mess I look right now.
Will message later and please let us know how you get on on Saturday - we will be thinking of you.
Trisha x
Good luck for today Trisha,
Both Alan and I made and paid our funeral arrangements in the September before he passed, little realising we’d be using one so soon. So all the arrangements had been made in advance, even the music, just the catering, order of service and flowers to attend to. Made it so much easier for me. Mine is all arranged too, just have to pop in at some point to confirm the music.
Shall be thinking of you, I’m just finishing off the liver pate for tonight’s taster session at the 5pm slimming world group. Then back in front of the PC after having a shower and picking up the loft ladder and new hatch.
Blessings
Jen☆
Thanks Jen- had a little weep in the funeral directors. First time I have done that there - and we now have a bit of pressure to get the music decided on as due to the bank holiday the order of service has one day less to be produced. Music is definitely the hardest bit - and I need to consult the children - but they are not so phased by deadlines as me… so have to get them to focus. We had talked about funerals - but only vaguely - we did not think it would be of an import for a view years. As you say little do we know.
Keeping busy does help xx
1am, eyes showing no signs of closing, can’t go on functioning with no sleep, yet powerless to.change the cycle. Those sleeping pills are gaining popularity rather quickly. Just need some sleep
Jen ☆
Dear Jen
I hope you managed some sleep. I can go to sleep - but wake up very early - so only getting a few hours. This situation we are all in makes me want to swear - loudly and and in a very unladylike way. (I do swear at other drivers !!) You keeping asking why us - why take our partners - what did we do?
Everything we did we did together - so whatever I am doing I miss him.
Off to the garden again soon - ! xx
Morning Trisha finally got to sleep around 2.15 to 2.30, woke with severe leg cramps before 3, must have dozed off about an hour later only to wake another 2 times, finally waking at 6am. I really don’t want to get up but must. Ada us still st our daughter’s, making me realise how important Ada is to helping me each day. Otherwise I’d have stayed in bed every single day. Which is not good for me.
Have as good a day as you possibly can
Blessings
Jen☆
Thank you - made me smile X
Dear Jen
Thank goodness for Ada. My cat just stares at me when I cry … whereas I know a dog would be all over you. One day ! Hopefully you can have a little doze later just to keep you going.
xx