Another sleepless night.

I check the time, it’s 2:22 again. I know it means something but I can’t figure out what.
It’s one of those nights again. They seem to be getting more frequent again, like it was at the start. I sit up, late anyway but this is different. My body is shaking and I know what’s coming. I try to lie next to my beautiful boyfriend, hear his breathing, feel his warmth, listen to his snores but even that’s not cutting it. I lie there, in the silence but not the dark, I can’t do the dark anymore. Staring up at the ceiling, I’m haunted by last memories, my Dad’s voice, last words, studying his face so I don’t forget a single detail, hearing him tell me to ‘chin up, toots’, imagining what it would be like to go to his house, do our ‘special knock’ so he knew it was me, hear his living room door open as I await him opening the front door, with a ‘hello darling’. It was always darling on a greeting, then it varied to toots and sweetheart. I start violently crying again, just trying to remember how to breathe. I’m so bunged up at the moment and with constant tears, I’ve forgotten what it’s like to breathe through my nose.
It’s one of those nights.
I sit wondering how on earth has this happened?! Why my Dad? Why the most consistent and loving thing in my life? My bestest friend in the whole wide world, the most reliable thing I had. Most people talk about their Mum being their best friend and while I wish deep down I had that, it was always my Dad. He was my ying to my yang, the balance.
Why me? I would’ve done anything for him. The sort of love you’d donate your kidneys for if he needed them.
God I miss him. I’ve fallen into wallow, I don’t let it happen very often but when it does…
The biggest love of my life. The first man you ever love and who loves you unconditionally back. I’ve never experienced feelings like this before in my life.
The shaking of your whole body, it’s like you’re being shocked by thousands of electric shocks.
It’s one of those nights and I don’t know how much more of them I can take. These constant panic attacks, wanting to scream ‘NO’ into your pillow. This will never get better. I know a part of him lives in me but it doesn’t help. I always said I don’t know what I’d do without him but I never imagined it being like this. I’m so stuck, still. It’s been 12 weeks and it feels like the second day. I remember that horrible day like it was yesterday. I can remember every single detail, finding him, falling into despair, feeling him so stiff and cold, not wanting to leave him but not wanting to be there at the same time, the sickness, the nothingness. The long wait for the undertaker, just sitting in my Dad’s for the first time without him there. Having so much thoughts but none at the same time. The panic attacks. The anxiety. The not knowing how to get on with your life. Still not knowing.
I knew this day was coming with his illness but never this soon.
If you could have one more day… what would you do?

Dear Watt,

I am so sorry for your loss, and I know what you mean about being up in the early hours of the morning. Since my husband died five years ago it is a regular occurrence for me, it does not matter because I can sleep in in the morning as there will be no-one coming, day in, day out.
My dad died 52 years ago when I was 25 and do you know, I still miss him, still think about him, about my mum and my sister who have now also passed many years ago.
You need to put up photos so you can see him whenever you walk through your room. He was your dad, he still is your dad. As time goes by it will get easier but you will never forget and there will always be a tear in your eyes when you think of him. You ask if I could have one more day with my lost loved ones what would I do, all I can say is, one day would never be enough and it would break my heart all over again to lose them, but if that is all I had, I would tell them how much I loved them and how grateful I was for everything they did for me and thank them for loving me.
Please look after yourself.
Love
Sheila.x

Watt92, I could have written your words. I seem to stare at the ceiling every night. The first time i wake every nights is at 1.15am. I get up briefly and on my way back to bed in the mirror I look like hell. My body is jangled by it all. I’m much more anxious.
I now consider my Mum the love of my life, she passed away exactly four months ago. I’m trying to embrace a sunny day here, but I just feel totally drained and very, very over-whelmed.
I just about every aspect of life it feels like I’ve got a mountain to climb.

Dear Daffy
When you say it feels like you have a mountain to climb it is because you have a mountain to climb. This is not an easy path we are now on, it is a struggle, you have to put one foot in front of the other on a daily basis, get through one day at a time. You sometimes think, ‘yes’ I feel much better then bang, you are at rock bottom again. This is what grieving does for us, we will never be the same because the light has gone out of our lives. I am five years down the line from losing my husband of 47 years, we were together 50 years and yes, I have learned to live a different life, if you can call it living, I don’t like it, but I get on with it. Then suddenly an advert comes on the TV, playing one of our favourite songs we used to dance to when we were young and carefree then the tears start to fall.
We will never get over what has happened to us but we will learn to live with it, knowing we loved and were loved in return.
Love
Sheila.x

Don’t you just find falling asleep the hardest? It’s when I’m lying in silence(ish) I say ish because my partner snores as does our little Frenchie. So it’s never still silence but still nothing to distract myself from the trip of memories, or flashes of his face, hearing his voice in my ear. Just wish I could talk to him. I don’t imagine this ever getting better or easier, it’s not something we can ever get closure from. The outcome will always be the same, a reason I’ve packed in counselling for now. Just found myself going round the same circles as I was doing with my friend. Except she doesn’t charge me £70 a session!

Oh what to do, I don’t know

Thanks for your reply and sorry to hear of your loss’ too.

I have a shrine in my house of my dad that reduces me to tears every time I sit and stare at it. Reliving all the memories in my head as I look at the photos. Seeing something new every time, a small detail that now becomes a tougher memory.
I don’t see any other loss being as sore as this one to be honest.
I’ve been considering if it really is better to have ‘loved and lost’ rather than never at all? Been having some crazy thoughts, maybe I should break up with my partner so I don’t need to go through anything like this ever again? Break off with my close relationships and live a lonelier life? Protecting my young heart forever. I don’t know

Dear Watt92,
You would never, ever want to have missed out on such a loving relationship. My dad died when I was 25 years of age, that is now 52 years ago, I still think of him, still remember the smallest things he did for us like teaching me how to tell the time with a cardboard clock he had made, showing me the times when he drew different positions on the clock face. I was so terribly lucky because when my dad died I had my Peter to lean on, he saw me through one of the worst things (I thought) that could happen to someone, it wasn’t until my Peter died five years ago that I found out that this was the hardest thing thing I had ever had to go through, but this time there was no-one there to put there arms around me and tell me it was going to be alright.
If you love your partner, cling to him/her as best as you can because believe you me you will need all the support you can get, being alone is not the answer, being around people who love you is the best thing you can do right now. As time moves on you will learn to accept and live with what has happened, so please don’t give up on love because you are afraid of being heartbroken again. We can’t hide from heartache, it is a fact of life.
Please take care.
Sheila.x

Watt92, i think very slowly we will adjust to this new reality, but I suspect we will miss them forever.
I haven’t touched counselling, as I think I’d just cry non stop. If I’m struggling a year plus down the line, then I’ll try it.

@Lonely

Yes I think you’re right and I was having another ‘bad day’… which I still find a weird term as tbh every day is now a bad day. Some aren’t unbearable though, like today. I do reflect everyday how much Dad did for me, the small things too like teaching me how to tie my laces. Dad was such a particular man and always had his way of doing things, if I ever made a mistake he’d growl my name or say ‘up here for thinking Steph, down here for dancing’ while pointing up at his head then down at this feet. I love him dearly. I miss him more than anything else and whenever I think about that I cry.
I’m never leaving my partner, he’s the one thing apart from my animals that has brought me comfort. Holding me in bed whilst I cry, I just don’t know what I’d do without him. I feel for everyone that have lost their partner, I couldn’t imagine.
Life can be so cruel but so kind, what a horrible contradiction!

Hope you’ve had a better day
X

@Daffy123 yes I suspect you’re right. I still struggle to look into the future, it’s only been just over 3 months but I still can’t picture life without my Dad in it. Finding it more painful as time goes on to look at pictures or listen to music.
My first session, I cried for the majority of the hour but I still managed to squeak some things out of me. And it felt good. When you feel ready, I’d definitely recommend it.

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