Anticipated grief

Hello,

I’m currently feeling what’s described as anticipated grief…
As sadly, my wonderful Dad has placed on end of life care, This has been dreadfully painful to hear, he has been my lifelong best friend, and we became even closer after the loss of Dear Mum 12 years ago. I’ve spent almost every day visiting Dad, gardening together, sharing a laugh and a chat over a cup of tea, and am now visiting daily, holding his hand and treasuring every moment, however will I get through the coming weeks, and future months without him,
I cannot even begin to imagine, it’s been partly a comfort to visit Dads empty house,… to stand in the garden and almost ’ hear’ him chatting, see him smiling and pottering around…and then, I realise,… he sadly won’t ever be there again …

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Hello @1930 ,

I’m part of the Online Community team and I can see that you are new to the community - I’d like to thank you for bravely starting this thread and sharing how you are feeling. I’m so sorry to hear about the loss of your mum and your Dad’s illness.

Anticipatory grief, and grieving someone’s illness is very much a form of grieving, you might find Our Anticipatory Grief article a help.

I also wanted to share a few Sue Ryder resources with you that might be helpful either now or in the future.

I really hope you find the community helpful and a good source of support and I also hope you feel you can access more support should you need it.

Thank you again for sharing – please keep reaching out and know that you are not alone.

Take care,
Alex

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Hi, how very sad for you, having to face this difficult time. I hope you will be able to find some comfort in spending time with your Dad, sharing your love and saying everything you want him to know. Sadly I didn’t get this chance with my Mum as she died suddenly and unexpectedly six months ago. Use any support you have around you to make this poignant time the easiest possible for both of you. Best wishes xx

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Thank you so much for your kind words Rosiepink.
I’m so sorry you didn’t get that chance with your own Mum to spend time with her, hope you will find a little comfort that she would have known your love for her, and perhaps you can carry her in your heart wherever you are
…as I do my Mum,
Best wishes, take care.

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Hi @1930 I am sorry to hear about your dear dad. I have just gone through a year of anticipatory grief for my wonderful maternal grandmother. She passed on Wednesday. I had such bad anxiety at times over the last year but here are the things that helped me:

Anticipatory grief and anxiety can often be your minds way of trying to control a situation but the harsh truth is you cannot control your dads health.

What you can control is how you spend this time. For me that meant I prioritised seeing my Gran every 2-3 days and helping her in every way possible. It did mean I put other areas of my life on hold but now it means I have no regrets. Even right at the end I was helping with feeding her and giving her hands a massage with nice hand cream. I saw it as an opportunity to provide her comfort in return for the wonderful 35 years she gave me as my Gran.

Sometimes I’d lay awake at night thinking about what I’d say at her funeral when she dies and one morning I had an epiphany that what I really wanted to do was make sure that she was the one who knew just how special she was to me and so I sat with her a few months ago looking at a photo album of old memories and I told her how grateful I was for all her love, generosity and lessons in life.

We enjoyed the simple things in her final months. A coffee or looking at some flowers. Sitting in the sun.

I would encourage you to consider a mediation app. Headspace has been a great comfort to me as it encourages me to stay present if I just do 10 minutes a day.

There is no getting away from anticipatory grief but I hope these things can make you feel better. I wish you much special time with your Dad.

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I know how you feel. I lost my dad 5 months ago and I was his carer. spend time with your dad give him as much love as you can.

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Thank you so much for your kind words here…
Sadly Dad has passed away…I was with him every day…holding his hand… telling him I loved him more than anything…and my son And daughter visited him and held his hand just hours before…
I have a heart wrenching grain of comfort that Dad knew we were there…x

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@1930 I am so sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you and your family at this time. Nothing can take away the pain I know. I am sure your Dad found great comfort in your company over recent days :sparkling_heart:

Thank you for your kind words emms

I’m so sorry for your loss @1930
Sending you much love and support as you navigate these next few days and months x

Thank you for your kind words Annie46