Anxiety loops and guilt

Losing a parent
1

Hi,

I am experiencing constant or frequent what-if loops in my mind. I am constantly checking if my thoughts align with my mother’s values, and if I by accident, overstepped or insulted her values. I imagine that she is here with me, but if she heard me say or think something that didn’t align with her values or I insulted her, indirectly, I would feel she would turn away from me. I fear that I would lose whatever bond I have of her now. I couldn’t live with myself if I lost that. We were best friends too, and I watched her suffer in hospital. I have anger with the hospital and their inconsistent service.
I fear even that using any form of reassurance or help, talking about her and my worries, or analysing grief from a psychological point of view, would erode my love and bond for her. I am stressed out and tired, and I am constantly sad, with small respites due to alcohol or something funny I watch on TV. I fear that understanding grief, as I say from the mind perspective, would erode the loving bond?

Please don’t tell me that I am the only one experiencing this sort of guilt, shame and fear of loss loop. Am I going mad?

2

I don’t think you’re going mad at all. Our mum’s were so central in our lives that we relied on them for so much. Without them here we can feel lost and worry if we’re doing the right things. I have found myself over thinking little things trying to work out what mum would say or do and then feeling upset when I don’t know because I feel I should. I then remind myself I can only do what I think is best. Try to be kind to yourself and know you only w o try so much as you care so much about her.

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