Any hope ?

[Jojo13]

Hi all ,

My first ( difficult , painful ) post . Lost my husband 5 weeks ago . Been reading lots of posts on here and it seems everyone has the same feelings as myself . Loneliness, severe pain , no happiness in life , what’s the point , pure emptiness and devastation . Miss him so so much and really struggling . But I’ve always tried to be optimistic in life and nobody seems to have found much relief from the pain further down the line . I get you may learn to live with the pain and grief but just wondered if there is some sort of light on the horizon or hope that it gets that bit easier ?

Thanks xx

[Lightmary68]

Hello Jojo13, so sorry to hear the passing of your husband, I lost my husband 9 weeks ago. Its still early stages for us, the pain of losing our husband’s is still raw. I can’t say it gets any easier, we will always miss our spouse. Being able to unload our emotions and grief on this site has helped me tremendously, people understand what you are going through. … I hope you keep posting, we want to know that you’re doing ok, hopefully someone will offer you some much needed advice. Take care of yourself and may God bless you

[Brandon1]

Hi JoJo, I am not surprised that you are feeling so devastated as five weeks is not much time at all. For myself the first couple of months were the worst. Then there were days which you could get through more easily and the then there were bad days especially weekends. Five months on and most days are ok but I still cry most days but it doesn’t get me down. Though there are days that become very difficult still. I live on my own which isn’t ideal you may have family which helps. I’m sure with time there will be good times but a lot depends on you and you situation. If you have a loving family or friends, hobbies there are so many things that influence how you will live in the future.
I think it’s also very important to be positive and concentrate on how fortunate we have been to have had such a loving relationship rather than dwell what we have lost. I found exercise and walking in nature very useful tools to combat stress, anxiety and sleep problems. I hope you find some solace here on this site as I have . Being able to talk to people who understand is such a benefit.
Wishing you all the strength you will need
Tom

[nikfabs]

Hi JoJo

I have used this site a lot which has been tremendously helpful. Tom you are so kind and responsive to others throughout your own difficult journey. It doesn’t go unnoticed.

I am now 4.5 months in from losing my Paul very suddenly in January from a DVT and pulmonary embolism after an accident in November and it has felt like the longest in my life.

However, yes it has got better. The first 5 weeks I was off work and really was just shock and a blur. I learnt I had people in my life that I could cry in front of with no judgement and so many people are incredibly kind. People are crap too but I don’t worry about them to be honest.

I made putting our house back together a project as we were going to move then didn’t. Had to be really pro-active with finances, Paul’s pension etc etc. I work full time so went back to work. I visited first on two different days which helped. I got the funeral done which was incredibly anxiety inducing which I have never before had so acutely in my life. And went back up to the Wirral to visit Paul’s family (we live just outside Brighton - there I still say we!). I am in touch with Paul’s daughters very regularly and see Emily who lives a 10 min drive away at least every couple of weeks. We talk about Paul and have a good cry together. I ring his brother Kev who lost his wife very suddenly while Paul was in hospital after his accident in November so we share lots of the same feelings and timeline sadly.

I spent a lot of time in the echo chamber of my own thoughts, spent a month or so feeling very negative, now feel very lonely despite being busy and having people around. I yearn for the easy time we had. But I do things on my own and am getting stronger. And still sorting out a few of Paul’s things but giving away some of his things has really bought joy to others (his drone, sold his camper van). I have walked loads and stopped drinking. I am fortunate to have the structure of work (I am 57) and things to do outside work.

I know I don’t want to move forward in life on my own but also know I am not quite ready yet to find another relationship. The flatness has subsided although some days are difficult still (especially weekends). I move on differently than I thought I might do.

Time is speeding up so I know life is getting make to normal. I have learnt how to put batteries in the ring doorbell and screen wash in the car - things that Paul normally did for me. With help with some good freinds.

Lots of people will assume you are feeling better but some still check in and I can have some of the most honest conversations I have ever had in my life.

Saturday night I am going to Southampton for an indie music event overnight on my own as if I don’t go on my own I wont go and I fancy it.

I have built confidence, some feistiness and have made decisions that Paul wouldn’t have liked (style of new sofas!) but don’t feel bad about that now. I am still getting things working that were his.

I am so very thankful for the 9 years we had and so very sad we can’t continue. If he is around me in sprit I feel so very grateful for that too. I even have laughed again sometimes.

I do still check back here and I hope this site gives you the strength to get thru it Jojo.

Nikki xx

[Willow112]

I don’t respond very often, but, here goes.
I have been widowed twice, once when I was 48, and again at 68. Both deaths were sudden. I loved both my husbands and devastated both times. I am a full-time carer for my daughter so my life was very busy, but I was hardly in a position to ‘get out there and make a new life’.
In spite of this I have now met a new partner, it was actually through this site. We shared a similar sense of humour, posting regularly, and then through private messaging. Eventually we met for lunch, and got on well. We live 180 miles apart, but spend a lot of time together. Our families are fine with it. My daughter loves him and he loves her right back. He has put joy back in our lives.
He lost his wife after 55 years of marriage and we speak about our former spouses with love and affection. We have been together for 18 months.
No matter your circumstances or age, there is still life out there, still joy to be had, even new love.
I am 70, recently had a hip replacement due to osteoporosis, I have COPD, my daughter lives with me full-time. I am not exactly a good catch, but none of that matters.
So, yes, there is light at the end of the tunnel.
Wishing everyone here love and strength.
Jane xx

[nikfabs]

Jane what a hopeful lovely post. Thank you xx

[Brandon1]

Hi Jane, I’m very pleased to hear you have found love again. It must have been terrible to lose two husbands and after suffering so much it’s lovely you can share your life with someone who understands like you the pain from a bereavement.
Wishing you all the best
Tom

[ABi2]

Hi jojo13

I know and understand how you feel it’s still very early days for you it’s nearly 5months since I lost my husband I’m still so angry some days I cope really well and know things will get better it just doesn’t seem like it I live on my own and only have my son who lives an hour away who is also grieving we try to help each other,I’m so very lonely want to do things but can’t seem to do it I find this forum helps so many people to understand how we feel I just wish we could all meet and have a big hug we deserve it! I hope you feel better soon you will get there we all will in our own way when you’ve been with someone for a long time it’s so very hard ,sending love and hugs.

[Jojo13]

Thank you all for your replies and messages.Means a lot to hear from others in the same boat.

It threw me a bit when I joined and read people’s experiences of still feeling pain so long after their loss and never getting over it. I felt perhaps there is no light at the end of the tunnel and I couldn’t bear the thought of this feeling lasting forever as it’s just so awful.

I suppose even though we all share a lot of the same feelings everyone’s situation and journey is different.

It’s good to know all I’m feeling is quite normal and part of the grieving process. Thanks again for sharing .

[Brandon1]

Good night jojo, I hope you have a peaceful evening and a good night’s sleep
Wishing you all the best
Tom

[helen20]

Hi Jojo, Im just over 7 weeks, and I feel your words so much. I constantly read others posts, looking for relief from this hell, and it always terrifies me when I read some people years later still in tears every day. Others say it does get easier, just got to pray we`ll be one of the others. Hoping you find some peace this evening.
Helen

[Willow112]

Honestly, please believe me. I was where you are, I was there twice. But it really does get better. It might not always feel like it does, but the waves get smaller and further apart.
Look for anything that gives you joy, flowers, family, friends, anything. Grab the sides before you get sucked down. Think of something else…..
Anything that helps.
You can’t live in the past. One step at a time, get through the next 5 minutes/ hour/day.
Allow yourself to be happy, even for a minute or two.
Jane xx

[Walan]

@helen20 3.5 years for me and tbh, it does get easier, and, controversially, it can get better. Life will move on, comparisons change, living.

[Jaw68]

Hi there, I lost my husband 31st December 2022, he was only 57 and I was 55 he died in his sleep which was such a shock. I still feel the same way, lost in greif, lonley and cry all the time. I have 3 lovely children all who have left home now. I don’t think these feelings will ever go away. I just try to stay busy, I have a job in a care home, so took on more hours and work weekends. People don’t know how you are feeling unless they go through it themselves and they can come across as uncaring, stay chatting on here as people are so kind and helpful. I have never posted on here but do read the posts and it’s really helped me to know I’m not alone.

Sending you hugs and love my dear

[helen20]

Hi hope your`re ok, not ok enough myself to reply at mo, xx