I think you have hit on the answer. Pretend that you have conquerd the grief and keep a smile on your face. When i am confronted with a couple offering their condolences I thank them but can’t help reminding them that one of them will experience that grief sooner or later. I haven’t been singled out , it happens to every happy couple. No point in seeing a councillor, especially one that is monetising that natural grief and loneliness. Groups may offer some solace but can be a little clique. I am resigned to learning how to live an independent life and concentrate on things that I enjoy.
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Unfortunately until someone’s been down this path they really haven’t a clue how bad the emotional upheaval is. Most people try to be kind but they don’t realise that you are not just grieving the loss of a life partner, you are not the same person you were before. 5 months ago my partner died suddenly and half of me died with him. How I react to the outside world is completely different to before. I find everything trivial, I don’t watch the news anymore and some days I just sit in his chair and cry. On those days that’s all I’m capable of doing. I really don’t know what people expect from me. Most people don’t even mention my partner any more and that saddens me because he’s all I think about. Sorry for being miserable but that’s just how it is.
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Dear Norma
I feel just like you. The worst thing in the world has happened to us and nothing else is anywhere near that bad. Before this happened I could spend half the night worrying about the smallest thing, I wish that’s all that kept me awake now.
I try to bring Stephen up in conversation, not all the time but I need to know he’s not being forgotten and it’s okay to mention him. Particularly with our grandchildren. The only one that has mentioned him is autistic and that was at the beginning.
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Brendan, I lost my husband 7 months ago. Each day at least once I think I would be better off dead. We didn’t have children, parents or siblings, and all we had was each other, and now I have none. I can say this much, at your stage I wanted to kill myself every hour. I cried several times a day. After 7 months it had reduced to once or twice a day. My only respite from intense grief was to distract my self. Going out daily with friends, sometimes just female acquaintances I met through FB. Distraction is one thing you can do. The second is seeing a psychiatrist. Not a psychologist but a psychiatrist. I am under the care of one and she helped me not to kill myself. I take an antidepressant and a mood stabilizer. Which help me immensely. The Friends and extended family who were there at the beginning dispersed by the month 2 from his death. After that no one, Yes no one wanted to listen to my word. So after when I met them it was them telling me their problems and me listening. Even that helped me to distract myself. My suggestion is please see a psychiatrist. He/she will help you to survive for the first year if not longer
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hon be honest with your family, give them the chance to support you, I now its hard, but they would feel awful if they didnt know what you were going through,
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My experience with family is that there’s 6 of us, I’m the youngest and the first to lose a partner in this way, only 4 months ago. 3 of them have stopped contact completely, they don’t even send a text to see if I’m alive.
So why should I go to them and beg for help? Not likely! And this excuse of ‘they don’t know what to say’ doesn’t wash, as they know how to ask how things are, they just can’t be bothered.
The texts were constantly arriving when Ray was sick and in hospital, then they crowded into the hospital after he passed to have a look and try and take over, completely invading our privacy. Dreadful people!
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The early morning anxiety I get on a daily basis is new for me, plus I always slept well. I hate being wakened so early as it makes the day too long. I used to be a strong person but now I’ve completely crumbled, hate dealing with anything, no motivation. It’s been five months since my lovely partner died suddenly and I feel the emotional pain worsening. I suppose it’s reality kicking in. Words fail me sometimes, there are none to describe this angst.
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Dear Norma
I have to try and block it out or I’d be a mess the whole time. Luckily I’ve been staying with my daughter and going home during the day to get the house ready. Today I’ve had three estate agents to value the house but making decisions is hard without Stephen. He worked so hard making the house beautiful.
Tomorrow I’ll go home and do the last of the painting and black our lovely log burner, I’ll no doubt cry through most of the day. I’m sure the filler was made mainly of tears.
We plod on because we must. I have no choice but to sell as I can’t stay there. I hope you get some comfort from your home. As I see it, the worst has happened. It can only get better (eventually I hope)
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My partner’s estate is in probate. I don’t know if I ll even get the house or if I want it. My partner worked hard on it and kept the garden really nice. I’m not physically fit for the garden so I’ll have to get help. There’s lots of things needing maintained too. I feel guilty saying that about the house but it’s all just too overwhelming for me. I just can’t cope without him. It was our home but it’s nothing without him.
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Norma I know exactly what you mean. In a way I wish someone else would make the decision about selling our house. We bought our dream home 5 years ago but 4 of them I was also looking after my dad with Alzheimer’s. It was only the start of last year when dad died that we started working in it together, it was our time. When Stephen collapsed and died there was no plaster on the walls, floor missing where he fell, no carpets anywhere and an unfinished kitchen. With help from our kids we’ve painted, plastered and completed most jobs. The house looks amazing, Stephen would be so proud. Now though our son doesn’t want to sell, his partner it turns out doesn’t want to live there though. I feel terrible but I know I can’t stay. Like you the gardens are too much for me, cutting two of the lawns the other day was enough and there’s two bigger ones to do. Let’s hope for a few more dry days so I can get them done before photos are taken.
I hope probate comes through soon for you. Then you will have the tough decision as to stay or not. A worry for another day x
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I am so sorry and totally understand .. I lost my husband 10 months ago .. the nights are difficult and I live totally alone in France with just my dogs . I live in an isolated homestead and only see a friend at the most once a week . Unfortunately people rarely check in on others ..especially the bereaved , they’re alright and guess they feel the connection may be infectious? If I may ask , is there anything you can find to create a sense of purpose for yourself ?This may help you ..could be your selected act of volunteering ? spending time at church if you are religious , joining a group of like minded people or even establishing one ?I believe that in the final analysis , we are alone …especially as friends thin out , children live away , parents are deceased . Wishing you all the best.
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It’s 5 months now since my husband died his estate is also in probate. I have an appointment at the solicitors next week so hopefully I should be near the end of it . I hope everything works out for you selling a house is such a big decision. I can understand why some people choose to move house.
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Thank you, the whole process is extremely stressful I don’t even know if I will get the house as we weren’t married. Almost forty years together seems to mean nothing. To be honest I’ve had enough of everything now my mental health is suffering.
Thanks for the advice. I go through some bad moments especially weekends seem to be difficult for me but as I had two years to prepare for my wife’s death it isn’t the same. My wife would always tell to do this or that when she was gone. At the beginning I would tell her not to talk like that but in the end… Some how we have to carry on our partners loved us and want us to be happy so we have an obligation to try and change, adapt and be happy for them.
Tom
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It’s been three years since my husband died and I’m like you a feeling of emptiness and sadness, I’m lucky that I have family near but it’s the every day little things that I miss, people don’t understand what it’s like to lose someone, I must admit I was one of those people, I would like to say it gets easier but I’m still struggling, so please feel free to message me if you’re needing someone to listen.
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I found sorting the finances overwhelming, and I have good support from my son who has really helped me. Hope you get through this tough journey. I have been having bereavement counselling. I am just starting to see the benefit from it . The counsellor told me don’t make any big decisions like moving house for a least a year has passed.
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Hi @Brandon1
Im so sorry you are feeling like this. Im reaching the first year anniversary of losing my partner. I completely hear what you say about not wanting to intrude on others lives. I felt the same at the beginning and found the loneliness unbearable, to the point I worried about my mental health. I started to isolate myself from everyone, partly as I didn’t want to be a burden and I was angry with everyone. I reached out to talking therapies got counselling which helped, it helped me reconnect with people and made me realise that people are waiting for me to talk about my feelings and avoid me completely or avoid bringing up anything about my loss in case it upsets me. The other thing i did was to get a puppy! This little fur baby has been a blessing, and has given me a reason to get out of bed on days when I really didn’t want to!
The counselling thought me to focus on today only, and try to make today better than yesterday. This has helps. If I think about tomorrow or further ahead, it hurts too much.
Im not sure if this helps but I want to tell you, it does get a bit easier. Please kind to yourself.
Michelle
Hi Michelle
I’ve been attending a bereavement group and it helps to be with people who understand where you are and what you are feeling like. I understand why people find it difficult to talk or know what to say to us. What can anyone say it is very complicated. I prefer to try and talk about other things and keep them comfortable so at least they carry on talking as I miss having company.
Tom
Hi Tom
Glad you found a group, as cliche as it sounds its good to talk.
Its good to talk about the person you lost too, you need to,otherwise you bottle it up. It can be painful but sometimes it comforting too.
Its his first anniversary this Sunday. Im trying to navigate a difference life alone, trying to get more comfortable being in my own company, well with the dog. Its a day at a time or an hour on those tougher days.
Michelle
I hope you get through your anniversary the best you can . I am 5 months of this emotional rollercoaster. I always find it interesting to hear from someone who is further on than me . In the hope things get easier. I am also on my own with great support from my son and daughter in law . A good friend. I also have my dog who has been a lifeline for me .
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