I am four years into my grieving whilst many of you are either only starting on your nightmare journey or have been on it for a couple of years.
I can honestly say, my life has never been the same since Peter died, the future seems empty, the present is another day to get through. Every single one of my friends of over 40 years still have their husband’s, I have two widowed friends but they are ten years older than me with totally different ways of living. They are old people, with old ways, in fact, when I go out with them for a coffee it is like going out with my mum. To be honest, it is soul destroying. I don’t want to be going out singing and dancing or clubbing, but I would love someone to go to see a show with, go away with for a few days but there is no-one at all. My problem is that I am young at heart. I love fashion, jewellery, shoes, perfume, I love spending money and treating myself, I always have. Peter used to love to see me dressed up when we went out for a meal, and I was so proud to be seen on his arm, I always was proud of my tall handsome boyfriend who became my husband.
I am always playing my sixties music, if I am in the garden, I wear my Bluetooth headphones and my music is blasting out, it is a wonder I am not deaf, but I get through the chores so much quicker when Buddy Holly is singing ‘Oh Boy’.
Our son took me to a 1950’s/60’s outdoor fair early this year along with our granddaughter, he usually takes me with him when he has his daughter for the weekend, he is divorced, as he has no idea what to do with her. I spotted some dresses that I used to wear in the early 60’s along with all the coloured net underskirts that I also used to wear. Luckily, I had my sunglasses on and I just started to cry. One was a gorgeous yellow, exactly like the one I owned all those years ago. I always play the song by Joe Brown and the Bruvvers, That yellow dress you were when we went dancing Sunday night. The song is called, ‘That’s what love will do’. It reminds me of the dances we went to at the Mecca Locarno on a Sunday night in the 60’s when we first met.
I honestly do not want to go on without him, I am fed up of living without him, doing things without him. The pain has softened around the edges, but the ache of wanting him back, never goes away.
I have survived these last four years, goodness knows how, but I have, just by living each day one day at a time. I get up and decide what I am going to do. I still make a list out at the beginning of the week with jobs that do need doing and as I do them, I tick them off otherwise they would never get done.
There is one thing that I always do and that is play my music. It is playing in the background all day long because when Peter was here our home was never without music. It is always rock n roll, the groups of the 1960’s both English and American and that is down to Peter, he was a music fanatic, so by playing our music he is always with me.