Yes joining the world seems daunting , never before have I spent so much time home.
I spent weeks with mum on EOL and being still was new to me but now its second nature and I hide away numb and estranged . I only venture out if i have a mission.
I can slip into hours of idlness mum would not be impressed.
Hi Olive. Itās good to see you message and Iām glad you still have your little cat. 
Itās hard to venture out into the world, it seems to me that itās like being used to having armour and now being stripped of it. Everything feels too sharp and bright and scary. Sending many hugs, as always. 
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Hello to eberyone
havnāt been posting as i dont feel i have anything to give, thank you all so much for you posts.
Im staying busy and I know its silly but the dreams, oh the dreams , my logical brain knows its just processing but its hard to get through the night at times. Does anyone else get this?
August is nearly gone and its the time of mellow fruitfulness, I have to admit I take solace from the dark nights as I can hide away more, maybe not the best but its whar it is.
I dont derseve any of you good people.
keep posting you are life affirmimg.
Yes, I have horrible nightmares a lot. Even if itās processing itās still hard to wake up with that lingering feeling. It affects the whole day afterwards. And never knowing when I will dream about it can sometimes make me scared to go to sleep.
Iām at two minds about the dark, but part of me also thinks it makes it easier to hide. We can only take one step forward at a time and let things happen when it feels right.
Sending hugs.
Hi Ulma,
I had to keep the light on for months after mum passed. I donāt really know why. I suppose focusing on things helped me .
I hated night time as I always felt so lonely. Thatās when I posted do much on here
When someone replied when I checked in the morning it helped me so much.
Sending love
Deborah
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I couldnāt bear the quiet, still canāt. I have two radios on all the time, one in the bedroom and one in the kitchen. I guess, like the light, it has to do with an inner sense of fear.
Hi Ulma,
I agree.
I think when the TV or music is playing it helps to distract me for a short while.
I have found since my mum passed I canāt concentrate on anything much for long. Havenāt managed to read a book for the past two and half years. I read a chapter and havenāt a clue what I have read. Same with TV programmes. Canāt even concentrate watching a film.
I find there are triggers everywhere so I try to limit lots of things in my life. Even stay home a lot as itās easier. I guess itās all to do with protecting myself from lots of things like meeting people, visiting familiar places I used to go with mum to, seeing people out with their elderly mums and even sometimes hearing conversations can be triggering. There are do many aspects to grieving that I was totally unaware of and unprepared for. Learning to cope through it all is so difficult.
Looking back since Dec 2022 when mum passed I appreciate I have come through such a lot and worked through so many emotions etc but I feel I still am learning so much about this whole grief process. Itās starting a new life as I have read and been told so many times. But itās hard to accept when I donāt want a new life.
As every says one step at a time, one day at a time, plan small goals, make the most of the good moments no matter how small, carry on making them proud and so on. This is all I feel I can do at the moment.
Thank goodness I found this site. Itās been my absolute lifeline in so many ways.
How has your day been ?
Sending love
Deborah
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Yes, I recognise the lack of concentration, I think that comes with the territory. The triggers are everywhere and you canāt really escape them. It really is horrendous.
I took ill last week, so itās all a bit miserable right now. Even more so than usual.
Hi Ulma,
How are you feeling now ?
Being ill makes everything worse. It always triggers me when I feel ill.
I hope you are feeling a bit better.
Deborah
Still really under the weather, Iām afraid, I just have to take my meds and wait it out. Yes, missing them is worse when youāre ill. 
Thanks for asking and I hope you are ok!
Hiya Ulma,
Are you any better today?
I am ok thanks.
We have a little chalet in West Wales so I am there. Getting away from everything and being amongst nature and wildlife is just the tonic I needed. The peacefulness here is on another level and I can totally switch off.
Thinking of you. Remember that it will eventually pass and you will get through it somehow.
Love Deborah
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woke up in floods of tears,
cant stop them now .
to sleep to dream to feel it all so real.
I hope you are feeling better Ulma
Sending you huge hugs Olive how are you feeling now?
Hi Ulma are you on the mend now?
tears again this morning maybe thats how it will go for a bit, I amtearful on and off through the day now, no one notices which is good, then I jut get on trying to help solve others problems. Which is all I can do any lull in this and I am a mess.
Hey ho thats ok just keep swimming like the sharks, Im really not sure why.
thank you wonderful people
i am sorry
Itās going in the right direction, but slowly. Thanks for asking, Olive!
I can relate, I need constant distraction and if I stop, a void opens and I fall headlong into it. I wish none of us had to suffer so much. Many hugs.
Hi everyone I hope you are weathering the storms there are more to come I think.
I hope you are fully recovered Ullma.
Goodness me a tidal wave of sadness guilt and regret today. Once again I have stuff to do for my new role tomorrow and what have I done nothing. I got up did my stretches and some tidying up in the garden then went back to bed.
This shameful depression just takes hold.
I learnt my lesson tho as I stopped taking the Sertraline for five day, wow headaches tears and the anxiety creeping back, I know it could have been a bit of withdrawl as I have been on them over a year now. I am on a level now as back on them for over a week.
I have training tomorrow just paperwork stuff, for the foster panel I observed on Thursday truly inspirational, the first time I have felt so intensly for years. I really want to do it its just having the confidence they all seemed so slick.
sorry guys TMI as we used to say but no one else to say it to, thank you as always.
Dealing with sister re the inhertitance is hard, im not interested and have split mine with the grandchildren I can never tell what she wants but I have let her have the lions share as I know she feels that is what she deserves and thats fine. All very difficult, all I can say to anyone over 65 get spending it !
At a loss as to where this goes am I just broken ?
Hi Olive - thats great you have a new job - what exactlty is it youll be doing?
Youve not done nothing today - you did some stretches which is better than me, and some garden jobs! So thats ok - dont be too hard on yourself 
I dont have any personal experience of anti depressants but from what ive heard any attempt to come off them does need to be a gradually managed process - maybe your GP could offer some advice if thats something you want to try?
Im sending you lots of positive energy for your first day tomorrow- let us know how it goes! Weāre all rooting for you!
Yes, thanks Olive, Iām finally feeling a bit better.
Donāt quit Sertraline cold turkey! Unfortunately very few doctors know anything about going off meds, but from my experience you have to taper down. Start talking a little less one day, for example if you take one tablet, remove one quarter and take 3/4 of a tablet. Stay on that level for a week or more until you feel stabilised, then remove another quarter etc.
Iām sorry itās difficult with your sister. So often relationships get strained when it comes to inheritance issues, I donāt know why.
Best of luck with your new role! Iām sure you will do fine.
Hi Ally its not a new job as such I have been invited to sit on a panel that approves and monitors foster parents so its an adhock position meeting twice a month.
I dont get my first panel till the end of Oct lots of homework to do before that!
but thank you.
Im glad you are feeling better Ulma yes i didnt quit as such just let the prescription lapse.IM not sure whats its like with you but our pharmacies are randomly closed through lack of staff and the one i used had no deliveries for six weeks.!
not sure why we are all up so late, very windy here!
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That sounds really interesting Olive, and very rewarding- keep us posted!
Urgh, pharmacies - brings back memories of the constant challenge trying to get mums critical medication when sometimes theyd say they couldnt get it and could offer no idea of timescale as to when it might next arrive. So stressful 