I used to put mums coat on the car passenger seat for a long time @seychelles so that i felt she was coming with me wherever i went. Its hanging on my coat rack now, and her slippers are tucked under the coffee table sometimes I used to come downstairs and find them moved a bit - im guessing id kicked them but I used to like to think mum had been wandering around i still have my mums conservatory chairs - i dont have anywhere to put them so someone is storing them for me, and I hope maybe one day I’ll have somewhere for them and I can sit and remember all the chats we had in those chairs
In terms of support i have a brother who helped with some of practical elements of clearing mums house, but my emotional support really comes from the friends ive made in my support groups, the staff at the hospice and my reiki therapist. I find i cant talk honestly to family or “pre grief” friends - do you find that? I recently bumped into someone I hadn’t seen for 5 years and he was completely astonished that I was “still” grieving (“but its been 3 years hasn’t it? And she was old? And you knew she was unwell?”) A couple of years ago that would have made me so angry and upset, but Ive learnt to realise some people are no longer beneficial to have in my life.
Oh I get people saying the most stupid things to me too. And like you in the beginning I just couldn’t understand why they said certain things like you have written. I actually blocked quite a few people because their words hurt me too much. And actually it was quite liberating !
I have had people say that I must have been expecting it as she was 89, and it’s been years now so I need to get help as I am obviously not over it and so on. It infuriates me!!! Yes mum was 89 and I knew it would happen at some point but it didn’t ease the grief in the slightest when it happened. And for me yes it’s been 4 yrs but I am still grieving very much and I am sure I always will. I don’t think grief stops when you have loved someone so much !
I love your idea about the coat in the car. I actually wear sime of mum’s clothes. She was young at heart so a lot of her clothes fit me and after a few years I felt stronger to wear some items like a jumper, coats and tops. It feels comforting.
She also had a lot of bone china and I used to tease her saying after she days they would be in the charity shop and she would say don’t you dare do that lol. Well I gave some to my sister but kept such a lot. I just couldn’t part with them. Every month I use them and have an afternoon tea ! I am sure she would approve!
Use the conservatory furniture when you find space for them and when you feel ready. It was very hard sitting in mum’s recliner.
Mikey whenever I feel the sadness is unbearable I go for a spin in the car to my local beach. Sometimes I just sit in the car with a flask and snacks. A walk on the beach helps even in winter. I love watching the sunsets and sometimes when the rays of the sun come down into the water it really feels like you could touch heaven. If you don’t live near a beach a mountain or a park may help for a walk.
My garden has also been a great help. Just sitting amongst nature watching the wildlife and insects is therapeutic.
@seychelles Oh a flask - one of my favourite items! I love a cup of tea outdoors - or a hot chocolate with Baileys in the winter! @Mikey44 I usually take my lunch (and flask!) with me to the parks nearby and have a mini picnic, I might take a book, meditate, just take a slow walk. But I couldnt have found the energy or motivation to do any of that in the early days, so i appreciate none of that may feel right for you at the moment, maybe just sitting in your garden if you have one might be enough right now - last year i was still sat out there in october/November with a blanket over my knees like a pensioner, but there was just something about listening to the outdoor sounds rather than the TV that calmed me. And in the early days NOTHING made me feel good/better, so as Ulma said i lowered my sights and just looked for things that didnt make me feel any worse, or things that made me feel slightly less .
Hi Deb! I wear some of my dad’s clothes too! They are much too large for me, so mostly at home or beneath other clothes that fit better. I also wear a locket with some of his hair inside it, because it feels comforting.
Mikey, I go out hiking for hours. It distracts me, at least when I hike at new places, and when I get back I’m so exhausted I can’t think of the grief for some time. Maybe not the best of solutions, but it kind of works.
Lovely to hear from you ! Been thinking about you and wondering how you are.
Some of my mum’s clothes are far too big for me too but they feel so comfy. I only wear them indoors though.
I will soon be wearing her jumpers in the winter evenings.
Am so glad I am not the only one wearing them.
I haven’t been able to open her jewellery box yet though. It seems such a deeply personal thing to do. Hopefully I will be able to one day.
I wear her perfume as she had loads of different ones. Everyone seemed to give her toiletries and perfumes and she could have opened a shop with them. Over the past 4 years I have used many of them or I spray them as room fresheners just so I can recall the fragrance of what was in her house. In the beginning though I could never have done that. Far too painful. But gradually after lots of tears I have managed to spray them.
It’s only when I start talking or writing g about certain things I realise how far I have come in my grief. There are so many things I can do now that were unthinkable in the beginning. Granted they are tiny things in the big picture of everything but it’s definitely a little bit of progress.
I still struggle with going out much. Mainly because I feel my home is my safe place. I couldn’t bear people talking to me in the beginning and the year or two afterwards saying things like I should move on etc and giving their suggestions. So staying home was the safest way to protect myself.
Holidays are difficult too as mum always came with us. I find I just do t want to go on holiday anymore.
But I am working on that one. I know she would want me to go.
I think it’s all a matter of time. When I feel the time is right I will go.
I love the idea of you having afternoon tea once a month with your Mum’s china Deborah I feel like we should have a date where everyone uses their loved one’s china as there must be so much stashed away. I have mums bone china which was a wedding gift but im too terrified to use it
I think everyone’s mum had a favourite set of plates or china. Think we only used ours once, then we were told it’s too nice to eat off. So they just sat there, looking pretty.
I live in Scotland, it’s been nice weather today. Has anyone been up to much today? I try and think positive, the night before I’ll think I may go for a walk tomorrow….then tomorrow comes.
If only I could go for a walk, and leave myself behind…..
Oh Ally if you only knew how many sets of china mum had !!! Honestly I could open a shop!
She inherited my grans china also and my dad’s mother’s china so guess who has it all now!!! I can hear you laughing lol.
Managed to give 2 dinner sets to my sister but no one wants them these days.
Mum passed on Dec 30 th so Christmas is always difficult and New Years but we always have a china afternoon tea on Dec 30 th and it’s so special.
We held a Welsh themed afternoon tea after mums funeral so now the Dec 30 th afternoon tea is exactly that. I have Welsh cakes, cupcakes with Welsh themed toppers, bara brith which is a loaf cake and sandwiches with Welsh sourced ingredients. I think mum would love it.
I have artificial daffodils in small vases and her little Welsh ornaments on the table dotted in amongst the Christmas foliage and twinkling lights.
Christmas and New Year will never be the same without mum. She was Christmas as she always made it so special. But the afternoon tea has given me a focus in between Christmas and New year and helps to face the horrible memories.
Yes they all had china sets back in the day didn’t they ? And they were so expensive then and worth hardly anything today. I am actually growing to live the ones I have now !
I too make plans for tomorrow then when tomorrow comes they don’t materialise. But at least I tried to plan and that’s what is important.
After mum passed and I had several weeks of raw grief I started writing a list every night of what I would do the next day. Sometimes there were only one or two very small things in it but that helped. I still make my lists. Gives me some sort of achievement ticking off what I have done. But now I make weekly lists . Last year I also started monthly projects. Things to do around the house and garden etc. Decorating a bedroom, sorting wardrobes and cupboards in the house, clearing an area in the garden, sorting the shed out etc Things that are manageable over the month.
Anything to keep me distracted. But in the beginning my list was extremely short and was just for the morning then afternoon etc.
I also set up a table in my lounge to remember mum. With photos, candle, cross, her ornaments, flowers etc as a go to place whenever I needed to have a place to go to.
I also dug up lots of plants from her garden before the house was sold and used the seeds to create a memory area in my garden. It’s just a small area but I put her garden ornament there and planted the seeds which grow into the most beautiful mauve poppies.
After selling mums house I wanted to make something pretty out of a horrible event as I really didn’t want to sell her house as it was my childhood home. At least now I feel I have a tiny part of it with me.
Maybe we could all share what we have found that has helped us
Thanks for thinking of me, Deb. It’s the same for me, there are things of his I haven’t been able to look at or open.
Oh, perfume. I haven’t thought of that but I could spray his aftershave. But not sure I could bear to do that.
It feels to me sometimes that I’ve come some distance and yet still stand in the same place. But I absolutely can do certain things I couldn’t in the beginning, like brushing my teeth. I still eat ready made meals, though, because I don’t really care. It feels pointless to cook just for me.
I know you’ve had a hard time leaving the house. Hopefully time will make it easier and I agree about not pressuring ourselves too much. I think we all tend to do that, but it can backfire if we do things just because we feel we have to or we should. We know in our hearts when it’s the right time.
Its always a matter of getting the time right to do things and depends on how strong you feel. Sometimes for me anyway its the tiniest things that trigger me and the tears just flow.
We just have to make the most of the good days we get and try to manage to get through the bad ones.
Being retired is at times worse I think as I don’t have to get up early, dont have to do anything and dont have to motivate myself. That bit is hard.
So I have to try to plan things even more than usual !
I used to read a lot but cant concentrate any more so that stopped. Strange how things that brought joy no longer do.
But I have managed to start a small business which gets me out and about a little and its helped me to heal in a way other things haven’t.
Thats amazing that youve started a small business Deborah, that takes a lot of motivation!
I used to study and work in south Wales many years ago so I love a Welsh cake I like the idea of doing something different over the Christmas period like your afternoon tea as I find it such a painful time. I still cant bring myself to eat a Christmas dinner. I was thinking of looking at what winter equinox events are nearby as a way of marking the year end without all the Christmas festivities.
Christmas is always painful for me and New Years. I struggle with everything to do with it.
But I again have put things in place to help me get through it.
I shop on line and avoid shops whenever possible. Too heartbreaking.
I have scaled bba knob present giving and cards except to my immediate family. Just don’t feel Christmas at all.
I visit and stay a night in St Davids the smallest city in wales and light a candle for mum at the Cathedral and join in with a service there. It gives me strength to carry on. It’s become a sort of pilgrimage for me around Christmas time.
On route back home I stop off at a beautiful beach that has thousands of stones and pebbles. I sit and watch the Sea with a flask of coffee by my side. If the tide is up it lashes against the stones and it’s so lovely to watch and listen to. And it just makes me reflect and ponder about everything!
Where abouts did you study in Wales?
I went to Swansea uni but years ago. Loved every minute . It had everything I could wish for. Countryside and the Gower coast and lots of shops too.
Echoing Ally, well done for starting a company! What kind of company is it, if I may ask?
Yes, it is very strange how things that we once looked or loved to do suddenly hold no interest anymore. It feels sometimes like being a completely different person then before and I miss the person I used to be as well.
I have started up a small gift business for children.
So that includes pocket money toys, hair accessories, jewellery etc.
I used to be a Headteacher and so I miss being around children so much. Had cancer so I had to end my fantastic career.
So now I have something to keep me occupied a little by going to Christmas fayres, festivals and summer fetes. I can also pick and choose events and I only do them when I feel strong enough to.
I just felt I needed to do something for my own wellbeing.
It’s very difficult to find anything that feels right to do. I just wanted something to for a few months of the year and not full time or working for someone else.
I worked full time for 35yrs so that was enough !!!
Do you have a job?
How have you been today ?
It’s sunny here today so tried to tidy up in my garden. That took up an hour or two.
sometimes I used to come downstairs and find them moved a bit - im guessing id kicked them but I used to like to think mum had been wandering around 
i still have my mums conservatory chairs - i dont have anywhere to put them so someone is storing them for me, and I hope maybe one day I’ll have somewhere for them and I can sit and remember all the chats we had in those chairs 
.
I still eat ready made meals, though, because I don’t really care. It feels pointless to cook just for me.
What kind of company is it, if I may ask?