Dont know which affects me the worst, once 9pm comes when I have to draw the blinds and curtains and lock both front and back doors, or when I wake up most days at 5 or 6am, get up and walk around first thing in the morning, looking in Richards now empty bedroom as i pass…I sense the emptiness at both ends, the middle sometimes unless I can find something to occupy my mind, still will fall to pieces at sometime during the day, but I feel more frightened at the nighttime, the place feels isolated once the doors are locked, and my Richard is not in the home, I feel more edgy…Once the mornings come I will unlock both doors as soon as i know others maybe up and about, usually around 8 or 9am,I feel safe to do so… even if I dont see anyone out and about walking there dog or rarely see a car go past, it is very isolated here with only 25 or so parkhomes and I am living at the top of the slope…For the past 17 years I always felt safe as I had a man around, and dogs, just knowing someone else was in the home, now the home is just an empty void…
Jackie…
Yes I understand the feeling of locking up, when my husband was ill, he always asked me to double check I had locked up before we had retired to bed. Now I do it for myself, in the evening I lock my front gates, front door and sit in my conservatory just sitting the back doors are all locked tooI feel secure, but I do the rounds again checking I’ve locked up before I retire to bed. I have a little plug in light in the bedroom, I keep it on all night, don’t feel I can dispense either it just yet. When my David was in hospital I used it then too, when he came home I didn’t need it felt relaxed and safe that he was at home. I too cannot sleep, I read till I am dropping off, then wake up, realise it’s only 1/2 12 then 2 then 5 so restless, thinking of him always in my head I get up make tea, go back to bed what the point of getting up at 5! Don’t sleep though just sit and ponder how could he have left me so alone. My journal keeps me sane, I have filled 4 books, all memories of our life together, I even have post notes now dotted around, do when a thought comes, I will be sure to put it in my journal, it makes me happy to remember all the good years we had. But the lasting memory is of his last look that he gave me when he died is imprinted in my heart. Goodness I’m crying now. So so unfair, he was a good man. I like others don’t look too much to the future I don’t dare it frightening,him not being here to protect me xx
Yes you are so right, our future is frightening…my Richard thankfully didn’t see his future on that fateful morning, he didn’t know what was soon to take place, it was just another morning, the same as the morning before and the morning before that…or so it should have been…
I never got to see Richards final look, it took a few seconds before it sank in that their was no movements from his head, his eyes, his mouth, they were all open, just thought I had shocked him awake where he had dozed off in his armchair…
Yes my future too is frightening Richard had always been in my life from the day we moved into our first house together 17 years ago, he was just always there, always there for me, he was literately my rock, maybe I had took him too much for grated, now I have been thrown in the deep end, I feel I am back to square one, by myself, and I dont like this one bit…
I dont like it when it gets dark, around the 9.pm mark, the blinds close, the doors get locked, I think to myself if anything happens to me, no one would even know, I often wonder if anyone even cares as no one sets foot near me not to even check on me to see if I am alright, they know I am disable with MS, guess they see I am a fighter, well guess now I have to be if I want to survive…I have always said to Richard…" it is survival of the fittest…"
I have no idea how I will cope in my home come the darker evenings when it gets dark at 5 pm…
Jackie…
I feel just the same. 5 months now and in some ways I feel worse. I mix with family and friends, but when I am home, living alone now, just feel despair and miss his presence and great company.
I can’t imagine the shock you must have felt when it happened. I was too late to get to the hospital. I did go in and see Simon. I will never forget that. I didn’t seem real. it really broke my heart to see him lying there. Writing this now is making me cry.
Janet x
Yes I dont know why some days affect us more when everyday is basically the same, void and empty of our loved one who is with us no more inside our home, well yes in spirit if not in body…There is not a day goes past that I dont talk to him, open up my soul, even if I keep saying the same old things over and over again…and of course when my mind is focused, out comes the crying…
Jackie…
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Morning Jackie, it is 12 months tomorrow since Alan’s funeral, I have been on my own in our home for 12 months and 4 weeks now, having never lived alone I am finding it very strange and lonely. I lock up before it gets dark, only unlocking the patio door to let Ada out during the evening, which, when she’s in one of her restless moods, can be several times a night, usually end up leaving the door open for her.
Before Alan retired, he worked shifts which included 7 straight nights 6pm to 6am every 3 weeks. I was fine with that as I knew he’d be home in the morning. When he first started working shifts, i had to go to bed before the last house switched their lights off, if I was a little late and everyone had already gone to bed I stayed up all night. I was very young then and they children where still babies.
Now I’m just empty, wandering around an empty house, I have our daughter’s pug Winston every day she’s at work, plus my own pug, Ada, they both give me the reason to get up every day.
Sometimes it’s the contact with others that’s lacking isn’t it? Which is what I’ve found out more and more as the months pass.
Hope you find peace ☆
Blessings
Jen☆
My heart and my love goes out to you all. Your posts have got me in tears but that’s no problem. The pain comes over so strongly, BUT also does the love you had for your lost ones. That sort of love can never die or be diminished in any way. Hold on to that which I honestly believe to be true. Love lies in the heart not in the head. The head is all about thoughts, unwanted and distressing thoughts. The heart is all about love. The emotions and feeling in the heart are the ones we need to fasten on to, as our loved ones would have wanted. I know my dear wife still loves me and helps. It’s so difficult to define this feeling, but it does bring a sense of security if not relief.
Being alone is the thing I also find so difficult. Christina, please don’t despair. Despair just lowers your mood. I know only too well how easy it is to despair. I often do it, but then come back to the realisation that I am still here and must do the best I can. Pain can be converted to love and understanding. In helping others you help yourself. That’s not being selfish. It’s good therapy to unload and express your feelings, and where better than here where we all know and understand. Best wishes.
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Today I had a conversation with someone who told me I should be pleased that Brian was not in any pain and that if I had wanted him to live longer it was for my sake and not for his. We all want to give Brian a hug and kiss but this person told me it would just make me sad again when he had to go away again and it would make Brian sad to leave me yet again. I was told Brian was with me all the time, watching over me, following me. By my side at that very moment. Who told me all this. My 10 year old great grandson. I couldn’t believe such words of wisdom was coming out of his mouth. He gave me such comfort with his counselling.
Pat xxx
Oh how lovely, for your Grandson to say that to you, my Grandson said to me are you going to be ok living on your own nan, bless him, he has seen me cry in his presence I don’t want to of course but at least he can see how I miss his grandad terribly and I’m not hiding the fact that I’m ok. Bless him x
Children do have a way of seeing things without the dramatics, don’t they. I took my two to where Brian’s ashes were. in the same grave as his grandparents. They chatted to him as if he was there and then my wise great grandson said that Grandad Brian was such a nice person, no one could ever have disliked him. As we sat on a bench in the cemetery they caught site of a Robin and was so exited as it was Grandad Brian come to have a look at them. All so natural, they really made me feel so much better with their matter of fact attitude. Pat xxx
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Locking up the doors. I keep losing the keys for a start off. I’ve had more cut. Brian always checked and double checked doors were locked as well as plugs.
As soon as I come in with the dogs after their evening walk I lock the doors and double check before going to bed.
Last night I heard a bang as I was going off to sleep. It sounded like one of my doors being slammed. Little dog started barking (he’s in my bed with me). So I jumped out of bed and went downstairs to check. Everything fine, think it must have been next door as they do slam the door sometimes. I then went on to dream that my car was being stolen and the police were banging my front door. My head was all over the place this morning. Couldn’t work out fact from fiction.