Back to square one again

I thought I’d been doing not too badly of late. Five and a half months since my husband died and I’ve been really busy focusing on the never-ending paperwork, tackling sorting things out that had been my husband’s ‘jobs’ like the car, doing some work in the garden, seeing a couple of friends for the first time in over a year. People told me how much better I looked, how nice it was to see me out and about. Even last week when I opened a letter informing me of a hospital appointment arranged for my husband in June, after the initial horrible shock I just got on and dealt with it to ensure that a similar mistake wouldn’t and couldn’t happen again. And then today I just opened a wardrobe door and saw his shirts hanging there, his jackets and coats - and haven’t been able to stop crying since. It’s all just a pretence the getting on with things. I’ve been kidding myself. I can’t manage without him. I miss him so much. And just opening a door has taken me right back to square one. And it’s always going to be like this; one step forward, two steps back.

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Not as long for me - 2 months - but it’s so easy for something to set me off. Had a phone call from the Coroner’s office today but have still got to wait longer for the report so still in limbo. Hope you can keep on going in as positive way as is possible. Sending hugs

@Bunny88 we all have days we can’t cope, and we don’t even always have a trigger point. There isn’t too much we can do apart from put one foot in front of the other. Some days we have to wallow then other days we may give ourselves a talking to and get something sorted. There is no right or wrong way. I know how you feel. I keep non stop busy for a while, then collapse in a soggy mess every so often as I think what the point and I can’t do this, then I drag myself up from misery and do it again. We are in an awful situation. It seems to be a very long dark tunnel. Hopefully we will see just a tiny flicker of light soon. Sending you hugs.

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It’s been two years for me. Trundling out the bins, servicing the car. Doing all the jobs that my husband used to do. It’s very hard. I asked a fellow widow if it got easier snd she replied that it just became different . I suppose she meant that you begin to accept situations and learn to live with it. I still have melt downs, I still wake in the night feeling lonely. I have imaginary conversations with my hubby about all the things that I wish I should have said but never did, Don’t be too hard on yourself, give yourself time. I’ve only just got rid of the last few bits of Steve’s clothes, I’ve kept a couple of my favourite bits in a suitcase with all his police memorabilia.

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Hi @Bunny88,

I try not to think of myself as doing well or badly. I just do the best I can each day.

The paperwork is never ending. I dropped a few balls in April, I had major surgery on my neck and for most of the month I was in bed struggling to recover. So now I have a pile up of missed bills and stuff like that.

I talked to a psychologist a couple of weeks ago. He said that I was effectively trapped between two different compulsions - the need to complete the paperwork & all the admin that comes with death of a partner and the other need, to mourn the loss of someone who I shared my life with, who I loved to the ends of this earth.

You can’t do both at once. Very often, acquaintances shy away from someone who’s recently become a widow - horrible word. Or they say something facile that they hope will cheer you up, which is more or less impossible. Or they will try to interfere and tell you what to do, which, for me, is the worst.

I’m lucky to have a few good friends. They’re far away, but they are always at the end of a phone.

I know Jim wouldn’t want me to mourn him forever. I know he’d want me to get on with life, make the most of the time I’ve got. But at the same time he died a painful and uncomfortable death, which was harrowing for both of us. He wasn’t offered treatment that could have extended his life. I know he would want me to complain about that, even take legal action if I can.

I don’t think it’s one step forward, two steps back. I see it as stumbling progress along the lonely road of grief. One light on the way is the point when all the paperwork is finished. Another is when you have decided what to do with all the clothes and other reminders of your loved one. For me, it was really difficult to pack up all the hospice type stuff I’d bought to make his life easier at home, for the 12 days he was here before his death. There was a hospital table, lots of pyjamas, paraphernalia to make him more comfortable. I bundled it all up and took it to the local hospice shop, who will give it to someone else who needs it. I felt a little better after I’d done that.

Christie xxx

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Dear @Jules4,@Wong,@Montague,@Christie Thank you all so much for your wonderful and instant support, your empathy, the wise words and the encouragement to help me start putting one foot in front of the other again today. And thank you so much for the hugs. Xx

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Very similar for me I’m at the 6 month mark and thought I was doing ok. Like you met friend etc… but last week had to prepare family witness statement for coroner and I honestly now feel I’ve taken massive steps back. Just one thing after another and just finding life so difficult at the minute. So sad and lonely and hate this life we now have. I too have been kidding myself and pretending to get on . Have had counselling think I was looking for a miracle cure when the reality is they say take one day at a time. I miss him so much more as time goes on. X

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I think the process of post mortem, coroner’s reports and inquests really makes a horrendous time even harder. I feel as though I can’t even begin to process until I have the information - and then it will be hard. I still can’t believe that I will never have another conversation with him. There’s so much I want to tell him.

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I know I have not accepted he has gone as I can’t bear the fain of facing that is it. Everyday I think I will have to tell Graham that and everyday my heart breaks all over again .

Big hugs x

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I too have so much that I want to talk about with my husband. We were always talking wherever we went or whatever we did, we always had so much to discuss and tell one another. We always used to comment on the couples you see sometimes in restaurants, getting through a meal but hardly sharing a word or just absorbed with their phones. Now I write to my husband every day before I go to bed. I write in a notebook but phrase it as a letter and tell him everything I’ve done or, more likely, haven’t done, who I’ve seen, what’s happening in the garden, memories of our time together, how much I miss him. I feel better when I have written; it makes me feel connected to him just writing down all the things I so desperately want to say face to face.

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Me too. My wife and I, even though married for 25 years, had never boring conversations every day. We felt sorry for those couples who gave up talking to each other. As she left I found myself having no one to talk to. Its ironic: even though we spent years to built a loving relationship I am eventually in the same situations as those couples who no longer love each other.
I missed the joyful days when we were always together. But they are gone forever. Emptiness and loneliness await me for the rest of my life. It’s so cruel.

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Bunny88 it’s going to be like this for a very long time if not forever and it’s because we loved our men so much. It’s ok not to be ok ya know I’m afraid we have to learn to live with it just like we would do if we had lost our right arm because in fact that’s what has happened to us.
I was like you the paperwork was easier than dealing with his clothes and more personal belongings I’m almost 9 months in and have some of his clothes in his wardrobe I just can’t get rid of the last two bags coz it seems so final. I have started a memory box for the two grand kids .
Thanks care and keep talking x x x

I know what you mean, Bunny88. It will be 5 months next Thursday for me. For the last few days I’ve felt like I’ve been doing as OK as I can in the circumstances. Then yesterday, I came across some sentimental stuff I’d given John that he’d kept and I got hit by a massive grief wave. At least now I know that I will come through it. I felt like this all the time in the days and weeks immeditely after he’d died.

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Hello @HeidiT
Its been 4.5 months and i cry everyday, not constant like previous weeks but today I’ve cried all afternoon and into the evening, I’ve had really dark thoughts today, I can’t see how I can do this this grief journey, it doesn’t matter what I do, where I go he is on my mind 24/7.
How do I cope, I’m fed up with everything and everyone, I feel so irratable.
I’ve got loads of my marti’s clothes piled up in the bedroom to go to the local charity shop, its so hard to think about doing it, the next task is the shed, I don’t even know how to use half of his tools and other bits and bobs so no use to me. I feel like I’m throwing him away when I’m having to sort out to get rid of his stuff.
I really hope I can climb this ladder as I can’t see any light at the moment. What if I can’t climb it, what shall I do then.
So sorry I’m not hopeful, its such a bad day today.
Thank you for reading.
Amy x

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Hi @Amylost
I’ve decided that all I can do is take this terrible grief journey one day at a time. I know that John will always be on my mind and in my heart. He was also the most pragmatic and practical person I’ve ever known and he hated seeing me get upset. I think a part of me is trying to make him proud about how I’m handling this.
With regard to getting rid of his stuff, I know what you mean. John was such a hoarder, that I have no choice but to part with his stuff. He had 3,500 DVDs and hundreds of books and I have no idea what half the tools in his garage even do! I am keeping all the sentimental things and giving away some of his bits to friends who have been helpful and would appreciate them. I know John would approve of that as he did that kind of thing himself.
I really do think you will climb this ladder, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now. My bereavement counsellor told me not to rush into things like clearing out John’s stuff if I didn’t feel ready. So if you don’t have to do Marti’s stuff right now, could you leave it til another day?
I will keep everything crossed that you have even a slightly better day tomorrow.
Heidi x

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Hi Amy, I’m 9 weeks in and I can relate to how you’re feeling. I am finding that days are getting harder. I have absolutely no intention of getting rid of any of his things at the moment and may never do - I will only do it if I am really ready. We are still waiting for a cause of death and that is making me anxious as I can’t help feeling I should have noticed more / done more. I can’t see how I can have the strength to keep doing this indefinitely. Sending hugs

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Jules hang in there your doing great even though you may not feel as if you are . It’s so hard coming to terms with things and dealing with everything on your own . As Iv said before just give me a shout when your ready to meet up after you have done what you need to do I’m always here for you take care Karen​:sparkling_heart::butterfly::sparkling_heart:

I had to clear a whole house. I gave loads of things/furniture away to people that were really pleased with them.
Ha ha the tools are a nightmare aren’t they. I was sending photos to one of our friends and saying what is this, and what is it used for?
The charity shops were shut so I just put things out on the front drive with a FREE sign on and people picked things up. It did give me some amusement seeing how furtive people were when they took stuff, and it was also nice that someone else could make use of the things.
I put the clothes in various charity bins, and have kept a few things back for the moment. I still have quite a few tools to put out to see if anyone wants them. It was all very emotional and the timeframe was forced on me, but in a way it was therapeutic for me. I cried a lot, but also found things and thought why have you kept this? It made me laugh. The old pedal bin that I hated and insisted was chucked away was found hidden away in the shed. That did bring me some amusement. My man was an absolute hoarder!
We have to do what we have to do when we have to do it. There is no right or wrong way or time.

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