Back to work

Hello My Darling wife was diagnosed with Metastatic Breast Cancer that had spread to the bones and later to the liver she was diagnosed in sep 2019 & she passed away on the 20 July 2020.
I gave up a good paid Job to look after her & i would do again in a heartbeat I would have done any thing to help her she was 51 we would have been married 24 years this year.
We have a 14 year old Daughter so I am looking at going back to some sort of part time work but I am scared as I want to be with my Daughter.
My Bereavement benefit runs out at the end of the year but I need to be working to bring some money in & I also feel guilty as I miss my every minute of every day & worry that people will think oh he is ok but that is not true when I go out I put my poker face on bit inside I am struggling it is so hard as my Dad died 12 hours after my wife & I think really have I upset some one that much to deserve this.
I new there would be ups and downs bit did not realise how hard the downs are as I loved my wife so much & the loss & loneliness is terrifying.:disappointed_relieved::broken_heart:
Take care all & stay safe.

Dear Geoff

I wish there was something I could say to take away the pain.

I lost my husband in September - he was killed in a road traffic accident. We would have been married 39 years in March. Life has been a roller coaster since then and like you say the loss and loneliness is overwhelming and frightening. I actually left work today - supposed to be the start of our retirement but all that is now gone.

Please keep posting - this site offers some comfort and support from others in similar position.

Take care.

Dear Geoffs,

I am so terribly sorry and I honestly don’t know how you and many others cope having to go back to work after such a heartbreaking time.

I was lucky, I had retired so was able to stay at home after Peter died and cry when I wanted to, stay in bed when I wanted to, I would not have had the energy to get dressed and ready for work.

I have often wondered if I had still been working if it would have helped with the grieving, being amongst people I knew and having my mind taken off what had happened for just a while, but then I thought, I would have to force myself to get to work I have never driven and Peter always took me to work at the same time he went and picked me up and brought me home again so I would have had to get a bus, get myself there, and then get a bus home again but this time I would be coming home to an empty house. I do not think I could have coped with it.

You have a young daughter who needs her dad and it breaks my heart to think of her without her mum. My sister died in her 40’s of Ovarian cancer, leaving behind a son and daughter both under 15 so I know what they went through because their dad (my brother in law) aged 46, still had to go to work.

I was wondering if your old firm would take you back part time, but with the pandemic, everything is messed up so you would maybe be working from home anyway.

Please take care and keep safe.

Sheila (lonely)

Dear Geoff

Everyone is different -but for me work has been my life saver. I lost my wonderful husband at the beginning of May in 2019 - suddenly and unexpectedly. I do not need to tell anyone on here how I felt - devastated, heartbroken -where do I start. I felt I could not return to work - but my way of keeping going after I lost him was to fill every minute of every day doing something, anything - making list after list. Then one day after about three months I thought I am ready - I can do this. My employers were good and kind and I went back on a phased return at the beginning of August- then back to my normal four days a week at the beginning of September. Of course there were things I found stressful - the worst probably being the drive to and from work. My daughter was older -23 - but living at home - so I did not have the parenting duties you do - but I find my work gets me through. I had a couple of months on furlough last year - but now work from home - and that suits me. On the days I do not work I still have to keep busy otherwise I reflect too much on what might have been, what I am missing. I do of course miss him dreadfully and always will. I still have tearful times - and still cannot believe it has happened. But for me personally going back to work has helped me. And I know he is proud of me.
Take care
Trisha x

Thank you all.
Unfortunately my old firm won’t take me back which is a shame as there were people I no so Unfortunately I have to start from scratch.
Going back to work scares me as I used to ring my wife during the day & really look forward to coming home but now I will come home & she will not be here which makes me really sad.
I wish I never had to go back & could volunteer somewhere but unfortunately not having enough Money to retire so I have to get some work.
I miss Tanya my wife every day & her last moments haunt me as you never think such a awful thing is going to happen to them.
Cancer is a horrible disease & her gp should have picked it up sooner as she kept going to the gp with pains all over her body.
Sometimes I just look at her photo & just break down knowing she is not coming home. :broken_heart:

Take care all & stay safe.

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Dear Geoffs .

I just read your post and I too am dreading going back to work . I have another 6 years before I can retire and have to work full time as still paying a mortgage . I think the grief may be harder when I go back as I used to FaceTime him every day and text him. Coming home to only my dogs and cats , a house without him will be so tough. I’m also worried about my dogs being left so long as I can only pop home on my lunch break. Because of covid I now have to work 12 hour days .
We may find down the line that it is a distraction but it’s just getting to that point.

I hope it gets easier for you. It’s only been 4 weeks today since I lost Garry , a sudden traumatic death at home through lung cancer. Something no doubt I will always replay in my head.

Sending love and we will get through this and make them proud x

Hi Wendy.
So sorry for you loss Cancer is a horrible cruel disease.
I have just started a part-time job which was very hard to do I suppose I felt guilty trying to get myself up together.
I think about Tanya my wife every single minute of every day & it is heartbreaking :broken_heart: as I miss her so much just as you miss Garry.
Can’t you go back on reduced hours to start with.
I like you replay Tanya’s last moments in my head I just shake my head & get upset as knowing she wont be back as I used to tel her a few times a day just to make sure she was ok.
I have guilt over things with her as I think we take them for granted & don’t quite understand what we had until they are not here any more.
Take care & stay safe & good luck & I hope all goes well for you back at work.

Hi Geoffs

I found a journal really helpful . I write in it everyday as if I’m writing to Garry. I tell him what I’ve done, how I feel and if I’m sorry for anything. I tell him I love him just as if I’m sending him a text . As well I have a happy memories journal of just about anything that happened or we did that made me happy or us happy.

I found this a great help getting your feeling out and addressing them. I feel it a way of texting him and it brings me comfort. It may be worth a try if you haven’t tried it already.

Wendy x

Hi Wendy.
Thank you I will try anything Tanya’s ashes are in a personised casket under the Tv in the sitting room & I often just sit there talking to her telling her I love her & miss her so much & like you I tell Tanya I am sorry for the mistakes I made.
I try to stay strong for my Daughters sake but I find it really hard without Tanya.
I have a lot of happy memories with Tanya but I just wish she was still here.
It is the warmth & Love that I miss from her well I miss everything about her.

Take care & stay safe.
Geoff

Hi wendy and geoffs

How you manage go back to work in a short time.

I am finding difficult to concentrate on anything when i come home after walking it hits the reality, oops
He is not here, the silence, instantly i turn to see his chair.

I wish you continue going forward, well done.

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Hi Devi.
I am the same as you it is the empty house when coming home from work that gets me all the men talking about there wife’s & I am smiling on the outside but broken hearted on the inside.
I Miss Tanya my wife so much it hurts i think about her every second of every day.
Take care & stay safe.

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Dear Geoffs, and all on this thread, I am so sorry for your loss of your wife, and your concern about going back to work. This is a tough one when in grief. As I was retired when my beloved husband died. three years ago, I did not have a job to go to. yet in the depths of my grief, I remember feeling at a great loss as to how I could carry on with my ‘new’, unfamiliar way of life! At that time, I used to think how much better it would have been if I had had a job to get up and go out to each day. My thoughts were that work would have given me a routine. However, although feeling overwhelmed in grief, and the sadness of it all, I managed to make a new way of life for myself, though it was not easy. Not having work to go to, I tried joining in various organisations where I would meet people, also classes, to take my mind off things. Although beneficial, at first. after each event that I managed to attend, I found leaving the class, or company that I had been with was very hard knowing I would be soon be home on my own in an empty house. However, eventually, in time, I got used to going out on my own, meeting people, and feeling glad to be able to return to my lovely warm home where I feel the love and memories of my late wonderful husband and soulmate.

So I now think that maybe we cannot escape grief whether we have work to attend, or the ‘job’ of continuing with the life that we have. I do hope you manage to settle gradually into your work and ‘new’ life Geoff. With best wishes. Deidre

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Dear Deidre,

Very well said and I totally agree with every word.

The part where you say after being in company the thought of going home to an empty house was very hard, but in time you got used to going out and feeling glad to be able to return to your lovely warm home where you feel the love and memories of your late wonderful husband and soulmate is so very, very true.

That is exactly how I feel, when I get home after being out and about, I close my front door, lock it and breathe a sigh of relief, I am now home again, my home is my sanctuary where we lived all our married life, 47 years, and I too feel the love of my late husband. After Peter died nearly seven years ago, the thought of going back to an empty house filled me with dread, I would stay out for hours just delaying the time I had to go home.

I remember getting out of the taxi, (I always got taxis so I didn’t have to bump into people on buses for small talk), standing at the bottom of our long drive and dreading putting the key into the lock. Now I cannot get in the house fast enough.

Love to you, keep safe.

Love
Sheila.xx

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Dear Sheila (Lonely)

Thank you for your kind thoughtful response. It is good to hear from one another, and sharing our experiences, particularly, in the knowledge that at the same time we may be helping others on this site, who are facing the same difficulties.

With love and best wishes to you.

Deidre

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