Bad day

Why is it weekends are so hard. I just seem to go to pieces Saturday and Sunday. And don’t understand why! I suppose i miss cooking my roast for my husband on a Sunday and having the family round. I miss him going off on a Saturday to watch his team play because I couldn’t wait for him to get home so we would go out for a meal or get a cosy takeaway. 10 months on and still finding it really hard. Does it ever get better. Sorry all but just feeling very sorry for myself tonight. 50 is far too young to be widowed and trying to think about a future I don’t want. Hope you are all better than me today xx

Hello,
I can relate to your situation regarding weekends, I too became a widower aged 57 last year having lost my wife aged 49 on November 29th.

Time goes slower I guess since weekends tend to drag on, not knowing how to fill the day without my beloved Balbir.

We cooked togeather and shared all our household chores on a daily basis, that seems desolate without her presence .

The laughter her voice, just being there was enough for us to carry on with our lives, it’s been exactly three months today since I last spoke to her, god if only I could share or turn the clock back for a second chance to be with her again, its painful and I’m not coping well.
I have though about hurting myself to be with her lately, I know I will be soon.
My heart and mind are torn with torment.
Ravinder.

Hi Ravinder,

I’m so sorry to hear about how you are struggling lately and missing Balbir. I’m concerned to hear that you have thought about hurting yourself

I’m glad that you’ve been able to talk about how you’re feeling here. There is lots of other support out there, and I would really encourage you to reach out and speak to someone about how you are feeling.

  • The Samaritans are always there 24/7 if you need to talk about anything that’s bothering you (116 123, or jo@samaritans.org).

  • You can also make an appointment with your GP and ask to be referred to counselling or other support services in your area.

  • Cruse Bereavement offers a helpline, email support, and counselling and support groups through their local services: 0808 808 1677​, helpline@cruse.org.uk, http://www.cruse.org.uk/bereavement-services

You deserve care and support so please, Ravinder, get in touch with one of these services.

It’s really important that you keep yourself safe - if you are at risk of harming yourself, please call 999, go to A&E or contact your GP for an emergency appointment immediately.

Priscilla

Hi there Ravinder. It’s just so hard isn’t it. 3 months is still so raw (I’m ten months and still raw and struggling). Yes weekends seem to be the worst. The void and hole in our lives seem highlighted more at weekends. I wish I could say something to give you hope for the future but I’m still struggling. People say time is a great healer. I don’t know how much we need to feel stronger bur hope they are all right.
I am thinking of you. Sadly there are so many of us in this planet grief. Your wife was far too young. My husband was 54, too young as well. Take care and keep talking on this site x

Hi Debbie and Ravinder
I totally know where you are both coming from. My hubbie died just over a month ago and it feels like my world has stopped. My hubbie was 63 and we had loads of things planned for when I retired. I was 60 this month. He was supposed be organising my party but I ended up organising his funeral! Also my daughter gets married in April and she wont have her dad to walk her down the aisle. I hate this life and like you Ravinder I have felt like giving up but I know that my children and grandchildren would be heartbroken and I couldnt do it to them. Phil, my hubbie, wouldnt be happy as well.
My heart goes out to the both of you. Life has changed forever and not for the better. We do have loads of good memories though and Phil only said last month that our last holiday in Tenerife (we have been going for about 20 years) was the best one we ever had. I cannot look at photos or watch him singing on karoke or read the Condolensces Book a friend bought for the family. I know he is by my side answering my questions in my mind but I just want him and now. He died suddenly just out of the blue his heart stopped beating and in a way so did mine. My thoughts are with you

Colleen I feel for you. You have just started this unwanted heartbreaking journey. It’s truly horrendous trust me. I can’t even tell you it gets better 10 months on. Im stIill angry bitter and hating the world. Did not expect to be a widow at 50. All we can do is support and try and help each other. I’m here to anyone that wants to vent. I truly hate life x

Hello Debbie and everyone else out there,
Your text struck such a chord with me. It felt like “yes! someone else finds the weekends really hard too!”
My husband died in July 2016 and 7 months later I am falling apart…just like you.
I think weekends are much harder because that is traditionally family time, time to spend together after the working week, doing whatever needs to be done or going out and having fun, and we have suddenly been deprived of that…no more. I think our brains find a mis match. Weekends - husband time, but he’s not here…result, absolute pain and devastation…then that’s compounded by the thoughts everyone is doing that though. Everyone else has still got their husband/wife and they will be having a wonderful weekend together enjoying each others company, and that increases the feelings of loss threefold.
There’s nothing anyone can do and you do have to ride the waves. All the books I have read have focussed on accepting how you feel any particular day is vital. Don’t deny any of it. You wake in the morning and feel sad, accept "today I feel really sad and lonely, but that’s ok " You wake up another morning and don’t feel anything, accept “today I don’t feel anything, but that’s ok too” I find accepting how I am feeling, makes me stop trying to run away from it or panic or all the other awful awful emotions from a week such terrible grief. It’s going to take a long, long time to even get to the adapting to a new life stage for all
of us, and I don’t believe one does ever get over such a thing, but one day at a time, no thoughts of tomorrow or the future or what do I do for the rest of my life stretching away in front of me, none of that, just right, let’s get through today.
This has felt so good to share what little I can with you all, and I do hope it will help in some small way. Sharing with people who know exactly what you are feeling is the best way forward. Take care, Viv

1 Like

Hi Viv

Wanted to say thank you for your comment re how you feel from day to day and not worrying about it, just accepting the day for what it is. Such good advice to give and receive.

I am having a really rotten day and your words have helped lots.

Mel.

Hi Mel,
I’m so glad my words have helped you. Really rotten days are a given unfortunately, and I’m sorry you are having one today. They come out of nowhere sometimes. I have realised also that grief needs to befriended not dreaded. It is showing us how much we loved that special someone in our lives and that when they are no longer here with us, debilitating pain is going to follow that.
Recently I have come to think of a grief as a friend trying to show me the way though this dreadful time, to allow me to cry when I need to and to admit to myself and anyone else that actually it’s even harder now 7 months later because I think the shock is wearing off and the reality is here. Of course it’s going to hurt. Of course days are going to seem unbearable and of course we will wonder will this ever end. But grief is actually helping us to find a way very very slowly to accommodate what has happened in into our lives because like it or not we are still here. No one will understand that losing your spouse is like losing one half of yourself, unless they have been through that. I never say to myself I should be coming to terms with this by now. What does that mean anyway? Why would I ever come to terms with the death of my beloved husband? Will I / you ever get over it? No, of course not and I don’t expect to either. But I do know that by allowing myself to grieve fully, properly and wholly for as long as I want to and as long as it takes, will eventually allow me to find some small pleasures again in life. That’s what my grief does.
You feel whatever you feel Mel, it’s all part of grief. Don’t fight it, allow it to help you.
I’m here if you need to talk. Take care of yourself Viv.

Thank you Viv,

I lost my Mum seven months ago and it really does feel desperate some days particularly as I lived with her. Others I go out and find myself feeling definitely not happy but calmer then those early whirlwind days where I was in shock with what had happened.

I agree about finding small pleasures in life. Seeing the spring flowers coming out reminds me that the world is carrying on, seasons changing and nothing is going to change that. I keep fresh flowers in the house to look at and remind me of this and my Mum.

You take care of yourself too
Mel
Xx

Hi Mel,
How has your day been today? Have you been able to just accept things a bit better? I’ve had to do that today as I woke up feeling really sad again but I’ve said to myself " well that’s the way it is and it’s not surprising really is it?" It takes the pressure off. Another tip that I’ve read recently which I also find very helpful is to treat yourself as you would treat your best friend. So for instance would you ever tell your BF something like " you should be feeling better by now, you should start building your life again"…? I doubt it, unless things had been going on for an extraordinary length of time. So why do we think it’s ok to sub consciously tell ourselves that? Try it and see how you get on.
Let me know! Viv x

Ladies you are both totally right! You feel friends are expecting you to feel okay (I am seven weeks in) I am in fact feeling worse and my son said the same thing to me today, mum I am feeling it really hard and I cannot see this changing for the rest of my life. Yes I will feel better but I will never get over losing my dad and thats it. You cant get over losing anyone basically. My Nan died at 101 years old and we were expecting that but I think she was also ready but I was worried about dad so I didnt grieve too much but I do speak to my nan every day in spirit (she was more like my mum because my mum left when I was younger). My hubbie dying at just 63 as hit me right bang in the face. Yes he had a heart attack seven years ago but that was fixed and he took his tablets every day and night. Everything was fine. But for him to just pass over in a split second after he had just taken my son to the dentist, come home put our tea in the oven and make himself a soup and just go I cannot get over it and I never will. I dont want to be honest. I am saying now, no I dont feel right, no I will never feel right, no I dont want to get over it, not I wont get over it, I will grieve for the rest of my life until I meet him again. Noone can tell you how you should feel. Its up to the individual. I will continue to keep his memory alive like my kids (adults) will do. When my daughter gets married next month it will be so emotional because her dad was so looking forward to walking her down the aisle. No-one can comprehend how much losing someone who is your world can affect you. My thoughts are with you. Get through each day the best way you can xxx

hi have just joined this web site we lost our daughter in December and we are devastated,so sorry to heat about your loss,its so hard isn’t it?your are so right some people think you get over it in a few weeks some have not even bothered to call round if only they knew how you ache inside wish we could get a sighn from her we even had a medium round but I think it was all guess work would not bother again. I think I could cry all day if I allowed it, life will never be the same again she was my rock and miss her so much. Maddie 49

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