Bad day

So it’s supposed to be Mother’s day tomorrow and both of my kids are not going to be seeing me. I know it’s been 5 weeks since I lost my wonderful hubby but everything still feels so raw and it doesn’t take much to set me off on a series off negative thoughts. My daughter may well have visited today armed with a couple of token pressies but it would appear it’s more important for her to see he mother-in-law tomorrow. My son, who’s autistic, is really having a bad time coping with everything but doesn’t seem to want any help. I know the kids are grown up and have their own lives but I would have thought after what I’ve been through these last few weeks they might be putting me first. I suppose that it shouldn’t surprise me since I remember well how I would get treated every year on mother’s day by my husband because he would say “you are the mother of my children so you deserve to be treated”.
I still find it hard to believe that he’s gone as it happened all so quickly, one minute we’re on holiday in Scotland and then less than 4 months later he’s in hospital where they seemed to just be waiting for him to die, which he did after less than 4 weeks. The cancer had come back which he’d defeated over 20 years ago and because he was so thin they wouldn’t treat him. When you’ve been with someone for over 40 years it’s really, really hard to visualise a future without them. Friends make some plans for me but I still find that I’m really unable to think any further ahead than a couple of days. Looks like I’ll be polishing off another bottle of red wine tonight in order to cope.

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I’ve just polished off a large glass of port - which dulls the pain. I was a teetotaller before this happened! Feeling for you x

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I am beginning to hate March my wedding anniversary is 16th l would have been married 38 Ute, my birthday is the 19th which is the same day as Mother’s Day.
I feel the like l am going back to the feelings l had when my daughter and husband died suddenly and l was powerless to do anything about it . I Darby let myself cry because I don’t think I will be able to stop but l can feel it bubbling inside of me. Sorry for rambling on l usually hold it together x

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I totally empathise @Guineapig65
After 49 years of marriage, cancer claimed my wife too. Like your husband it all happened very quickly and like you I struggle to find my place without her.
Do whatever you think is right for you and don’t feel guilty about putting yourself first. There is no experience comparable to losing your life’s partner and no one who hasn’t experienced it can understand the emotional impact.
Live life one day at a time and be kind to yourself.

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Thank you. Drinking wine and watching yet more rubbish on the telly certainly numbs the pain a little. I go out of my way to find things he didn’t like to watch having made a major error in the week after the event (as our autistic son calls it) by watching Picard (Star Trek). The screen went very blurry and so I decided that I couldn’t watch it, the problem being that my husband was a huge Star Trek fan.
I agree, although my head still had a bit of a problem with it because I’m not very selfish, that I need to think of myself first as there is so much healing and grieving to get through. Taking one day at a time may sound corny, I’m sure there is some song about it, but when we are in this sort of situation it’s really all we can do.

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Hi @Guineapig65 so sorry for the loss of your wonderful husband Mother’s day is going to be very different for many of us this year. I lost my husband in January, so this will be the first one without him after 46 years. I agree it is difficult to make any plans, I can only plan a day or too ahead and that sometimes changes depending on how I feel. From others posting on this site this seems to be the same for many. I don’t drink to numb the pain, mainly because it gives me such a headache, but I do understand that it is a coping mechanism. My husband was a Star Trek second generation fan too and we even had the theme tune played at his funeral. It made people smile and I thought it apt as he is now amongst the stars. We just have to take things slowly at our pace but I know I would want him to be proud of me, so I want to try and live as best I can in this strange new world we have all been transported, until it’s time for me to say ‘beam me up Scottie’. to be with my darling again. Sending you love xxx

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@Guineapig65 and @sandi So sorry for your losses. It’s definitely one day at a time. Like your husbands, my wife was a trekkie and she was brought in to the theme from Voyager her favourite series, Picard was her favourite Captain. My son has watched all the series since she died as it gave him some solace. Love and hugs xx

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Oh honey … i feel for you … i dunno if im going to c any of my kids either !!! They didnt like it that i was so “angry” when my husband passed away ! I don’t care ! I was angry ! He was the man i loved for 37 years !!! If i do see them i will be suprised for sure !
Why are kids so selfish these days ! ? Ive had enough of them ! Im going to see my mother tomorrow with a box of chocs and a card and taking jer out for a walk ! Shes not perfect either - like none of us are - but shes my mum and actually she has stood by me more in the last desolate few months since my husband’s funeral than anybody … its funny. how people just all bugger off after the funeral isnt it ??? Mmmmm … :frowning: xxx

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Thanks for the support l was just feeling down because not only did l loose my daughter suddenly now l have lost my husband. Only family l have got left is my severely autistic son.
To make it worse it’s my birthday to, so yeah l am feeling fed up and upset today

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Aw :frowning: must be so hard for you ! Can u go visit either your daughter or husbands resting place today ? Xx do something for yourself ! Us wonen are so good at looking after other people but not ourselves. Best wishes. Xx

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So sorry for your losses. I can only imagine how hard it must be to have lost a child and to now lose your husband too. I hope you can find some solace by talking to others on this site. Perhaps take yourself out for a walk or get yourself a little treat and know that YOU are worth it. I hope that a friend picks up the phone and acknowledges your birthday and Mothers Day. It’s only a day but the ‘firsts’ are especially difficult. Big hugs. Sandra xx

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Thank you Murphy1 for your kindness

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@Jazpur Please, please be careful it’s only masking the pain, and I’m sure they wouldn’t want you to become dependent on it, you’ll only get into a worse state, please just talk when you feel like hitting the bottle, I for one are here for you.
I lost my soul mate 30 weeks ago yesterday he was 58, not I’ll in any way, we went to bed, I was woken by a funny noise (thought he was having a bad dream) I ended up doing CPR while waiting for the ambulance. In just over 2 hours he was gone. I thought I knew about bereavement my brother was just in his 30’s went to his mates house (like Mark never ill in his life) said he didn’t feel well, could he lie down & died. Just over a year later my mam died. Another year it was my dad then my other brother who was in his 40’s. Big difference was Mark was by my side threw that terrible time, now I’m all alone (no family what so ever)
I did drink (very moderately) but now I’m petrified if I have one I will keep going and drink & drink to blot it out. Big hug to you. One day at a time xxx

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Thank you for your thoughtful remarks. I don’t think I will drink too much as it does give me an awful headache the next day! Just one glass whilst times are so painful and found it aided my appetite which disappeared in the early weeks. Life is a struggle on your own - I find the days so long.

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@Jazpur It’s hard isn’t it? I still struggle to eat, I found swimming helped me because I had to focused on counting the lengths I did, my mind couldn’t wander to places I didn’t want it to go to, plus if I don’t eat I haven’t the energy to swim! Please take care of yourself xxx

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I developed osteopenia through the psychological and physical stress of my husbands long illness and eventual passing, so have had to make sure I eat a good diet - hospital advice. My evening meal is now one of the few joys in my day - that and my morning coffee! It’s important to find those few moments of pleasure to balance the pain. I so hate living on my own. Take care xx

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Sulane so sorry to hear of your loss similar to mine . Husband took I’ll 10 am and died 2 hours later such a shock !
We had had lovely few days before he passed and were so happy x it’s such a tremendous shock ! Still feel it’s unreal 6 months on .
Think. Friends etc planning things helping me each weeek now x take care xx

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Sulane, we have so much in common. My husband called upstairs in a not very loud voice “ heart attack, get ambulance” . I live in the countryside so did CPR until they arrived, but we found out later he’d had a coronary thrombosis. I have asked myself so many times why didn’t I notice something? We’d both had Covid the year before and he’d been diagnosed with COPD afterwards and I was supposed to have had pneumonia. Now we think he was having pain since then but he put his breathlessness at times to the COPD. A couple of weeks after he died I was rushed to hospital to told I was in heart failure and like him, I hadn’t had pneumonia and that it was heart trouble. So like some on this site, I’ve felt guilty at times for not realising how ill he was or spent hours blaming the hospital. But I’ve realised I can’t go back and change things, we both did the best we could. As for Mother’s Day, I have two children but didn’t see them today. One sent flowers and the other gave me a plant before Mother’s Day and hasn’t rung. This is the first Mother’s Day since my husband died and I feel so sad that now we can’t remember our children’s births together. My two lead busy lives and I don’t think it would occur to them that I’d like to see them today. I’m sending you and everyone here hugs. We’re stronger than we think and with support from everyone here we can find some comfort and understanding. I’ve realised that my adult children can’t possibly understand what it feels like losing your love of your life and your best friend. I’ve lost both my parents, but though I grieved for them it is nothing like the devastation you feel losing your partner. Take care of yourselves, xxx

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Suiane hi !
I lost my husband exactly the same way. I thought he was having a bad dream and tried to wake him not knowing it was a cardiac arrest. I too tried CPR until the paramedics arrived but he never regained consciousness. I lost my mum, dad, sister and her daughter my niece, but John was always by my side and somehow we got through it. His loss has been completely different and although it’s almost two years now some days it seems like yesterday. I have two lovely sons who always make sure I’m ok and I’ve spent the whole day today with the oldest and my younger one visited with the grandkids. Without their love and supper I think I would have curled up and died myself but knowing they have suffered too has kept me going and we all help each other.

We don’t deserve this pain do we but sadly I think it’ll stay with us forever.

Big hugs
Georgina :blush:

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Mark & I had moved from a very isolated house into town (we worked non stop these last 6 years renovating different properties, our home was going to be the last one, I have just got the kitchen, summer house, Mark built the frame ect, just got to get ship lapped plus windows & doors, then 1 fence done, can’t tell you how bitter sweet it is finishing it without him,) sorry got side tracked there, what I was going to say that 1st night had I still lived in the country I doubt I would have made it… But next day I realized yes I would be with Mark, BUT my bottom would be sore, as he would kick my bum for eternity, so didn’t think it was maybe worth it! Take care everyone, baby steps when needed, I know it’s hard but we have to learn to do what we can, when we can xxx

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