This is a bad day. My birthday tomorrow and Colin is not here.
I have been looking through my phone and i have realised how lucky i am to have Colin in videos, singing dancing, out on the motorbike riding with friends to matlock, Derbyshire and many more places. My mum lost dad 8 years ago and she wishes she had captured his voice, she misses his voice so me being able to listen to Colin, seeing him enjoying our days out feel so grateful for it.
I have just been watching him and listening to him singing and it is as if he is in the room with me…i don’t know if this is worse because when i stop my phone, he is gone all over again.
4 Likes
I do exactly the same and I just go with the flow, if it helps at the time and feels right, I do it, as emotional as it is. I also listen to the voicemail messages he left me. I love hearing his voice.
3 Likes
Birthday wishes for tomorrow. Its special days that are the worst and it doesnt get any easier. I to like looking at videos and photos. I have one of my hubby opening his xmas prezzie he was so happy little did we know it would be his last xmas. Hang on to all the good memories it’s all we have left now.
2 Likes
Thank you.
I know i have lots of firsts to come and it fills me with dread. I shall keep watching the videos and enjoying watching him dancing and singing. It is a fabulous connection to him, time hopefully will make them easier to watch. They are also a way for our children to see their grandad again as they remember him.
I am glad you have a christmas day video to treasure. Everything matters i think.
3 Likes
I regret what I haven’t recorded.
I can hear his voice in my head.
It is the things he said. I have lost what he wrote years ago. Can remember a lot.
I hold on to him saying you will be alright. But I am not. I used to tell him I wouldn’t be if I was left behind.
He used to say I could easily get someone else. I used to say no I couldn’t. He would say all sorts of things I hear what he might say.
But I am so confused.
4 Likes
My husband used to say that to me too . You will be alright ! Well im not bloody alright at all ! Its really hard and lonely. He made my life worth livihg … dont think he understood that. One day i might have a reason to live and not just survive … i dunno, i hope so ? Think this cold weather is making it harder … people stay in more . Im going away with my daughter and granddaughter end of november. Im trying to look forward to it but i feel so numb. Sure it will be ok but we just miss our lover dont we ? Xx
3 Likes
Yes we do. It has been so hard today. I would always find a card on the fire place from Colin so the empty space there
was heart breaking. My eyes look like piss holes in the snow (as my mum would say) from all the crying i did last night. My son got quite worried bless him.
3 Likes
Yeh i been like that … my eyes are so tired from crying 
xx
2 Likes
I am actually debating about going to bed shortly. I havent been to bed this early since the children were small., but i am so tired. The rain is here with a vengence and they say it is here for a couple of days so my warm bed is shouting me.
3 Likes
Ive just done same thing ! When i have a bad day i just go to bed ! Grief is exhausting. And yeh weather not gonna be good next few days is it !! Oh joy X
2 Likes
Sleep tight…
another day done.
3 Likes
I keep old cards and put them out again to pretend. Sad and silly.
Have a good sleep if you can.
3 Likes
I have come back from being away. I went through motions and were times that were nice but I walked around in different places tentatively trying to get used to it. But company was nice.
2 Likes
I can’t believe how much i slept last night but crying most of yesterday was probably a contributing factor… trying to fill my days of work now so today i am going to see my mate Elaine. It is good to have friends that you can talk to and don’t care if you just sit there roaring…she will just keep the coffee and cigarettes coming until the sobs subside. I have everyone here, has friends like that.
3 Likes
Glad you slept. I have these cold call Tel calls I get so fed up with. Always did.
Sometimes they are genuine so have to answer it. Can then be a lifeline
More runner beans grew in my garden. Sounds naff but seems my husband is in nature now. He liked growing them. Silly but is he saying to me come on eat these they will do you good you know I always grew them for you only I grew them but in honour of him.
really like if they still grow like he might not be completely no where. Like life has to go on. We would have been sitting on a seat together this time othe years yet I don’t feel like it on my own
Saw a squirrel other day and brings memories of us watching them together. They scamper round his grave now.
2 Likes
Aw … you sound sad @Enorac … hard innit. All the lovely memories of them 
them squirrels are really naughty this year. Happened to me twice now where they have run out into the road with their little nut/acorn in their hands i had to swerve twice ! I know youre not supposed to but im not running a squirrel over !!!,xxx
1 Like
Yes those calls are a pain in the arse and they call anytime of the day and night. Colin(who did not have green fingers) actually had the best runner bean’s, and tomatoes yet he was more of maintenance man around the house. He was so proud of them. I have saved the seeds from the tomatoes to plant next year but the runner beans…no…never liked them and neither did Colin by the way:) i think he just wanted to know if he could grow them. Family and friends however, loved them, so they did not go to waste. I have been waiting for robins and blue tits to come into the garden but so far, few and far between.
I am so glad you have the squirrels, it does make it feel like our loved one is close. Hope you see lots more.
1 Like
Nicky 19
I haven’t seen robins or blue tits either. But saw a friendly robin last winter after David died to cheer me up looking for scraps. He always fed the birds. Was member of RSPB but I cancelled subscriptions because of the big bills I am faced with.
Always said I would because I guess have my own charities would put first. But they still send the magazines and I used to read them. Don’t Think he did. But then he knew all about the birds. Loved them. I do too but cat kills them. He used to rescue the birds. They say birds are messengers. Nice thought. Like tell kids that. They bring birdsong and such entertainment. How they struggle in their short lives and sing. They do or don’t worry who knows. How wonderful to fly around. These poems say our loved one has to be thought of in rustling trees or wind etc. Part of nature again. More like part of what they left behind it feels. He used to say I wouldn’t care if he wasn’t here but I said I would of course but maybe he was fishing for compliments. Now his grandchildren go through their milestones without him. We used to talk about them. Now my son shares the same fears we used to have for our children. I was upset yesterday and get all confused because of the grief and lack of concentration. Scared to do anything. Ordered wrong tablets yesterday. Got the dates muddled up for COVID vaccine so missed it. I am told it is part of the grief. It is awful that it takes confidence away. Walking around like this half a person without he would have helped check and balance like I did too. Oh we made mistakes before of course people do but I just get so sad. Your Colin sounds a brilliant gardener without his green fingers guess the beans like to grow and yes I love watching them and they are like marmite like or hate. David wasn’t keen preferred broad beans which I hated. But yes it is nice growing them. I used to try tomatoes but I am no good at it.
Wish I could but I grew baby cucumbers which I pricked out from seeds. Loved them. Made me feel I could do something but they grew despite. Very symbolic. strong text
1 Like
I fell asleep then woke in early hours.
Can’t sleep now so watching but more of Crown on Netflix then had enough. Reading these instead of writing my diary which I must do to try to remember what I should and not waste tomorrow again. Only got half shopping in Co op refused to buy bad bananas for full price. And apples double price when have done stewed frozen. Tangerines double price too so didn’t get them. Will have to go to Aldi but their stuff doesn’t have long shelf life.
Paid through the nose for half a shop would get more than that if shop around.
Received a recipe from support group what to make with leftovers. Have this sick feeling so don’t feel anything tastes great
2 Likes
@Enorac I wake every 4 hours through the night as that is when the pain killers wear off.I double and triple check everything I do as this brain fog is a nightmare. Don’t exactly have a busy social life and yet still managed to double book. My diary is my lifeline. These long dark nights are a killer. We don’t get many small birds. Crows, pigeons and seagulls. None of which are good for birdsong. Just waiting for next lot of paracetamol to kick in before going back to bed. All that seems to grow in my garden at present are weeds and my gardener is sick. Well back to bed soon as latest pills are kicking in. Xx
1 Like