Does anyone else find Bank Holidays hard? Now restrictions have been further lifted and life for most others is getting back to some form of normality. However for me who lost my wonderful husband 10weeks ago and mum 17weeks ago, , life will never be normal again. I feel bad because I am resenting people making their plans and having get togethers with their friends and family. I feel even more lonely and alone than I do on regular days. My friends and family are all getting on with their lives, which is only right of course, planning things, but I’m alone. Everyone says, we are here for you, anything we can do, so why am I alone over BH. The other thing that’s strange is, we never made a big fuss over BH, occasionally we would have a family BBQ, but as we’ve had to work them most of our lives, it was never a special thing, but it feels it is now. Does anyone else feel the same, although I’m not sure I have explained it well. X
Bank holidays are hard as are all the ‘occasions’ in the year. You see families getting together all happy and smiling and if you are like me it makes you feel worse. I am nearly three years into my loss so you are still very new and raw. I will be with my daughter and son in law, three grandchildren and their partners and I will sit there and feel utterly alone. I am not lonely for company just lonely for him. Couples make me feel worse and I have come to resent them. I look at older people walking along and I think he looks worse than you so why is he still alive. Like a lot of people here we were let down by the hospital and the treatment he received was dismal. He wore hearing aids and went for an MRI which we had been promised for three days. They took his hearing aids out and I said I am here on the phone if you need me as they didn’t want me to go with him. I got back to the ward and he was there so I said that was quick. Oh we couldn’t do it because he couldn’t answer the questions. No of course not you took his hearing aids out. Why didn’t you call me I was in the canteen. We didn’t have your number which was a massive lie. So we waited another two days. When we eventually saw a consultant they said he had a small stroke. I said is he going to the stroke ward and they said oh no he is not bad enough the patients there need far more care than him I said where will he go and they said oh we will find him a bed on a geriatric ward. That was when we came home. I hate the NHS as it lets you down when you need it and that was not supposed to happen.
Dear Jane16
I have spent the day with my son’s partner and two grandsons. We visited the local community farm with couples sitting enjoying the sunshine and having a cuppa and cake. Twelve months ago my husband was with us and I could never have imagined what life had in store for us all only three months later. I would not wish the pain that I am going through on anyone but watching other couples does hurt. It is a painful reminder of what me and the family have lost and what I can never have again now and in the future.
I do have a good but small pool of friends for support but find weekends and holiday periods they are occupied with their own lives and this tends to be when I am most lonely with no contact. I do not call them even when I am at my lowest point because I do not want to burden them so instead I come on this forum or have rang Samaritans when it has all become too much.
Holidays used to be our joyous days; my wife and I would dine out, went to flower market(her favourite), went fishing/hiking, or even doing nothing at home, chattering for hours on the balcony. With her pass it’s very difficult. I was left with my 15 yo daughter. Sometimes she would go out for some shopping/tea with me. But more often she preferred to stay at home all day. The day is so long and the emptiness and loneliness are all the worse.
With opening up I’m even sadder as people are happy getting to normal. I’ve got no ‘normal’ to get back to. I’ve just got this life I hate. I am left alone in a black hole while every one else seems to be enjoying life…
Yesterday I’ve got to see a client: 80 yo man with colon cancer recovered and strong. His wife had heart disease but treated and recovered. They had 2 daughters both married with a few grandchildren. I say in my mind,’ How lucky you are!’. My wife just 50, had an aortic dissection and was gone in 12 hours. How unfair! She’s my everything. She’s my best friend. She was also very close to my daughter. She gave me a happy life and family which I was so proud of. I was grateful I met her in my life but now I’m filled with bitterness.
Gradually I come to realize I have to go on alone, whether I like it or not. It’s me who lost the love of my life, the girl who loved me with all her heart, not my friends/relatives. Some of them may be well intentioned but they just won’t understand and feel what I feel.
Dear Jane 16. I find bank Holidays very hard people out in their gardens having barbecues laughing and having a good time like you I am resenting people having get togethers and making plans it makes me feel so utterly alone without my husband . My family are getting on with their lives which I am glad of they always say we are here for you but like you I am alone this bank holiday. Most BH peter and I would sit in the garden and chat about all and nothing. Only when the kids were little did we go out. X
I am finding the Bank Holiday hard as well. Me and my husband would just stay in the garden and enjoy each other’s company and then go for a walk. It was simple yet we loved just being together. I still can’t comprehend life without those times - well, it’s not a life really is it?
I feel solidarity with everyone in the replies saying they feel so resentful this weekend. I am also feeling this way, and I think because the world has woken up to the first sunny weekend they can all be together in over a year, it’s really rubbing the ‘togetherness’ in our faces.
I’m scared I’m becoming a miserable old cow. I’m dealing with grief (just coming up to month 5 of my life changing loss) and 2 days ago I found out the company I’ve worked for for 11 years will be going under. The few good friends I’ve got say ‘just ring & chat, I’m here for you’ but if all I have is misery and moaning why would I want to offload that onto someone? So I just stay silent. Wading through everything alone. Urgh.
I agree, it doesn’t feel like a life, just going through the motions and trying to put on a brave face.
I too feel so alone, even though I have lots of people around me. My daughter said the other day, how can you feel alone with them and so many others supporting me. Even when I’m around people I feel alone, not having the other half of me, who always loved me and backed me up. Everyone says If there’s anything I can do!, so why am i alone all BH weekend, because others are busy with their own lives and don’t understand that mines over. I don’t like feeling bitter and resentful.
I agree it is not a life and no future without our soul mate. People who have their partners do not understand or experience the unbearable pain that we are enduring, I hope they never do for a long time, would not wish it on anyone. I am so sorry that we have to! whether it is BH or not, I hear and see my neighbours with their partners laughing outside but more with the good weather, I have even noticed that the birds that come into my back garden are a couple, I feel resentful and angry that our soul mate was taken from us, we are not meant to be alone, why us!!!
I am finding this bank holiday so hard, tomorrow is the day I first met my husband 33 years ago, my husband passed away 5 months ago. I am sat here all alone, my daughter and her family are going to a barbecue, she rang me this morning and said why don’t you arrange to do something. My son seems to think I am ok now and I just receive a courtesy phone call once a week. I spoke to my cousin a couple of days ago who said why don’t you invite me for the day, I said ok but she has not been in touch since and I would have to go and pick her up as she doesn’t drive. I have just been in the back garden to put the washing out and my next door neighbour who I have not spoken to since Chris died asked how I was, I just mumbled ok and rushed back in with tears in my eyes.
I don’t really want to go anywhere and I am certainly not in the frame of mind to arrange something.
I wish somebody I know had been thoughtful enough to think I maybe struggling and to invite me to see them.
Christy
I think we all think that. My friends and family have been very supportive but I guess they all have their own precious family time at a Bank Holiday. I am just breathing through it - it’s all I can do.
I also feel guilty now because my daughter popped by on her way to the barbecue and ended up in tears because she saw how upset I was. I don’t want her to feel guilty although she says she does, that was not my intention, in fact I never mentioned how I felt on the phone.
I know I have got to forge some type of life without Chris, it’s just that at the moment it doesn’t feel like a life, merely an existence and I miss him so much.
Christy
Hi all
14 months for me just sitting in the garden thinking Mick and I would be doing something together on a beautiful day. Kids getting on with there life’s to which I am glad. People/ family now able to do things even when I’m included feel like a spare part, I don’t won’t to put a damper on family enjoying themselves. You just say I’m ok but we’re not.
Live to all
Absolutely agree. Sitting here crying. I was lucky as the family came Friday but had to rush back after an early lunch today Sunday, to have a barbcue with friends. Six months now since David died. Really sobbing it out today.
It seems very difficult now that others are going about there normal activities again but I am here alone.
I know what you mean. I’ve motivated myself to cut the grass and then had to blink back the tears because he would be doing it and he isn’t here. Trouble is, there aren’t many things that I can do that don’t make me think of him - we were together as a team for so long. Sending hugs
I managed to do my back garden yesterday my front drive is blocked paved full of weeds I started to tackle it just thinkingMick would have got this done with jet hose I can’t find the dam thing he must have borrowed it out so I left it and will pay someone to do it. Bad days outweigh the good but at least I’m having a few ok days after 14 months
Take care all
I feel the same Christy, couldn’t someone have included me. I’ve been without a kitchen for a week and it will be another week before its sorted, a couple of people in passing remarks mentioned me going for tea, but that was it. My daughter took me out to eat one day and offered to cook another, but I wasn’t up to it. My son is working away currently, so can’t help, but he calls me every day and barely hear from my brother. People say, if you need anything, but I don’t want to impose myself on anyone. I have things to do that could occupy me, but I’m so exhausted and not sleeping great at moment, so too tired to do them. It’s just hard watching people carrying on with their lives, when ours have stopped.
I am in a similar situation as you, I lost my mum on the 3rd March 2020 after she suffered from a massive stroke and never regained consciousness. We were lucky to have her funeral but not managed to go back upto my dad’s since due to the lockdowns. I live in Leatherhead Surrey and my parents moved from Dorking Surrey to just outside of Wisbech Cambridgeshire about 20 years ago and it is at least a 3.5 hours drive away.
I am just sat in my flat all alone and just thinking about her and looking at photos of her. It never seems to get any better and I can’t seem to get any respite.
Hi Steve I’m so sorry to hear you lost your mum. Do you have any friends locally you could meet up with. Perhaps go for a walk. You don’t say if you are working or not. Are you in phone contact with your dad? Maybe you should explain to him how bad you feel. Share your grief.
Best wishes Tricia