Being made to feel guilty

So my Mum passed away yesterday after bring bed bound at home for 2 years. My Brother took on the responsibility of bring her carer and I went and saw her whenever I could as I live 60 miles away. It was the past fortnight she took a rapid decline and couldn’t fight off an infection, and knew she only had days to live.
I am now being made to feel guilty that I wasn’t there when she passed away, as I didn’t want to see her dying. My brother has plastered social media about how he and his wife were there for her til the end and I feel terrible that I wanted to remember her how I saw her a few weeks ago.

Sorry for your loss,

Are you sure that that’s your brother’s intention? Couldn’t it be completely innocent? For example, when I announced my dad’s passing, on social media, I said that I know that my dad knew how much I loved him. My sister could have read that and felt as though I was pointing out that her relationship with my dad (and everyone, but I won’t go there) was more fractious. But I definitely wasn’t. I was just saying something that gave me comfort. Could your brother be doing the same?

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Thank you Burgled for your kind words, and I wish that were true.

He has already told me on the phone that I didnt care and left it all upto him. He took all of 45 seconds to call me to tell me she had passed, and has now dropped the bombshell that a direct cremation has already been arranged and paid for by him and my Sister so I don’t even get closure with a funeral.

Its been forgotten that ive lost my Mum too.

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:disappointed:. Such a shame.

Was a direct cremation her wish, as per her will?

I’m so sorry for your loss and I can understand why you wouldn’t want to see your Mum in her final days. Everyone deals with death in different ways and there’s no right or wrong way to feel. I was with my Dad in hospital when he passed away from pneumonia and quickly declined but my brother had no intention as he wanted to remember our Dad the last time he saw him, just like you.
For me, I totally understood my brother’s viewpoint then and now. I never thought I’d be able to stay in the room with my Dad and asked my husband to stay on my behalf but as it turned out it was very peaceful and I didn’t want to leave my Dad. But that definitely didn’t mean my brother loved my Dad any less than me and I’m so sorry you’re feeling as you do because of what’s happened since. Maybe your brother is venting his anger at losing your Mum and the awfulness of that rather than anger at you but its coming across that it’s directed at you? Its sad he’s since told you how you didn’t care and I can understand how upsetting this would be for you at such an emotional time for everyone in your family. Can you maybe write to your brother and sister and explain why you’d like a funeral? Or ask a family member/family friend for help and to speak to your brother and sister on your behalf? Did your Mum ever discuss what she wanted with you or did she write it in a will so you can all carry out her wishes? I really hope you can sort out your situation :heart:

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