I lost my grandma 4 months ago and I’ve lost people before, but nothing could have ever prepared me for this.
I was her carer, next if kin, best friend and she showed me what unconditional love felt like, I’d never experienced it before and it was mega special and I feel so incredibly lucky we had eachother. I gave up every weekend and travelled 500 mile round trip to take care of her for the last 4 years of her life, all on my expense I’ll add. Gran had a great friend before and they were thick as thieves. When he passed away I checked in on her and made sure she didn’t feel alone. As time went on her needs became more complex, she broke her hip so needed constant care and had to relearn to walk and needed lots more prompting, lost so much confidence etc. My mother and her siblings didn’t want any part of her life or any responsibilities in her care, so that burden was placed heavily onto me. Grandma tried many times to write me into her will leaving me every thing and each time I declined her very generous offer. It was only recently I agreed I would accept an equal share and no more, at that time I believed she would live for a further 10 years and I’d hoped she would have spent her money on herself in that time. I am dealing with so many suicidal thoughts, my mum has now raised her concerns about me being written into the will (although my Nan did write her a letter which was ignored). I don’t believe she will contest, and in fairness I don’t care if she does, but she’s now turning the whole family against me because of it, and massively bending the truth. It’s not even a lot of money and way below inheritance tax bracket, but it’s not about the money, I don’t want my own family to think badly of me. I feel like giving the money to charity but I know my nan hasn’t left it to me for that. I’m just lost and instead of using this time to deal with the loss of the most important person in my life I’m having to defend myself and argue with my mum who wanted no part in her life. I can’t explain to you, although I cared for her and she was heavily reliant on me she was the biggest part of my life and my reason for living.
Shall I just give the money to my mum and tell her I don’t want any part of her life now. We have a very complicated relationship. My mum was a hugely neglectful parent and even later in life a massively neglectful daughter, so severing ties with her is probably what I need for the best anyway, for my own healing.
I’m very successful in my job, my partner even more so. Everything I’ve ever had I’ve worked for, so it just makes no sense why my own mother is turning me into some sort of monster.
Any advice on this would be appreciated. I’ve asked people close to me and I want an opinion of someone who is far removed from the situation.
Thank you so much, I know I could have explained my story better than this but I’m just so angry I can’t think straight.
Dear Lostgdaugther,
You and your nan had a very special relationship and she obviously loved you as much as you did love her. It is very sad that instead of being able to grieve her loss you are being harassed by your family about money.
The last thing your nan would want you to do was to get you in a situation where you are thinking about taking your own life. All she probably wanted for you is to be happy, to cherish the memories you have of her and to accept the money she left you in her will.
Please seek help and phone a helpline like the Samaritans when you have suicidal talks. (Their phone number is: 116 123)
Is there anyone who could mediate between you and your mother and try to repair the relationship is possible?
I have not been in a situation like this before, but there may be others on this site who have and will respond to your post. I have seen the sad results of people falling out over money when my mum and one of her sisters stopped speaking with each other because my aunt was angry that her brother had not left all his money to her.
My mother did keep her part of his inheritance and decided to divide it between my siblings and me because she knew it was what my uncle would have wanted.
I hope you will find the wisdom and strength to make the right decisions.
Jo
Dear Lost Daughter,
You and your Gran were very close and it was you who were her closest family. She was your surrogate Mum and you were her surrogate daughter. Your Gran worked very hard in her life for all her money and it is up to her to choose who she gave it to. She loved you very much and wanted you to have it. She choose you because you were there for her through thiick and thin the others weren’t.
I know how hard it is to accept being a benificery, my aunt and uncle have no children but many nieces and nephews and over the years it I and one other cousin who has been there for them and helped out on their farm. Due to my Aunts illness my Uncle sold a large portion of his farm. And since then numerous relatives and a carer of my Aunts have come out the woodwork looking for money off him. He has many times told me that because they have no kids he is leaving a large portion to me. I keep telling him that he should spend it now while he is alive. I would rather he was here than have his money but I know other members of the family are not like that. I myself would rather stand on my own two feet. Another aunt also left me a couple of hundred pounds which was very generous as she didn’t have a lot and she also had a lot of people to leave things to. But I felt guilty about it because again the person I loved was dead and I got money.
However recently I have got a new perspective on this My mum and dad worked very hard all their lives and when my dad got ill he cashed in his pensions and bought their house. It is in a good area and is worth a bit of money. A few years later my mum also became ill (cancer same as my dad), she also had an insurance policy of a few thousand and she left almost everything but a few keepsakes to my brother who lived in the house, she did say if it was ever sold that I should receive a share but it is very unlikely that my brother would honour that. My brother hasn’t worked in years not that he is unable but is an alcoholic and he has sponged off my mum for years even when working, getting her into debt numerous times. When she was ill it was me who looked after her and was there for 13 hour days taking on responsibility for my nephew and also using my own money to pay for her clothes and furniture, paint and other disability aids. I also ran to her house, did their housework, walked their dog and drove my mum to meet her friends paid for her lunch and took her to hospital appointments etc etc. While my brother had access to her cards and did nothing but make her dinner after he got up around 3pm. At this time I was also working part-time and acting as her carer but my brother got the carers allowance, Now I work hard i have bought my own small flat and have some small savings, Sorry for going on about my situation but it is just to explain the next part.
Once my brother and nephew discovered about the insurance policy and had access to her bank accounts. All they did was spend and talk about spending her money. For me it was all about my mum, her care and some keepsakes to remember them. But after my mum died and there was a lot of problems with them over the funeral and lording it over me. I began to feel really hurt as their I was I had been the one to be there for my mum and it felt like by leaving me nothing and letting my brother be in charge of everything I felt so unloved and unwanted by my mum. It was like she had thrown me away. The thing is her original plan for her will was quite different they were to get the house so they wouldnt be homeless but the insurance policy was different. They used the COVID to bully and coerce her. The thing is after I discovered the way they treated her at the end and wouldn’t let me near her after they discovered she was terminal it was heartbreaking and manipulative and callous and I am angry that they got everything because they are so lazy and my parents were hard working its not that I want the money or to throw them out its that I don’t believe they deserve it.
And thats the crux of it . Your mum is like them. Families can be so cruel and heartless when money is involved and even when its not. As you have found to your cost. But now you have a new family with your partner and that is what is important for you now. Your mum just is trying to manipulate you but that is not what your gran wanted your gran wanted you to have it and more. You were there for her and you deserve it more than any of the others. So don’t feel guilty about it I know that isn’t easy but the reason your feeling guilty is your loss don’t let your mum take away from you what your gran gave you as that would dishonour her memory. Your gran gave her money to the one she loved and she would want it to make a difference to your life in whatever way it can.
It would honour your gran if you kept it and used it for something useful and memorable. If you decide you don’t want it or need it for yourself then you don;t say if you have a child or not with your partner but I bet it would please your gran if you put it in a trust fund for your childs college. IF you don’t need it yourself,. Also you say partner but if you ever get married would it not honour your gran if she helped pay for it. You can even mention that in your speech and make her a part of the ceremony.
You are not the monster unfortunately your mum appears to be since it is obvious from your letter that your mum is just interested in the money and you aren’t. Don’t let her bully you, your gran wouldn’t want that. Your gran was your mum in your heart and you were her daughter in her heart and in both your actions and that is where it matters. So keep the money. Its yours and your gran wanted you to have it simply because she loved you.
Stay strong. Thinking of you.
Meebee
Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. It means so much and I’m so grateful for your words of wisdom. I cried so much last night I felt so scared I did try and call them but hung up immediately. I will try again when I get back, thank you for that piece of advice. I just feel like there’s many more people that deserve it over me - which is silly.
Mediation does sound like something we need, but after everything that’s happened I just feel like there’s too much water under the bridge now and I just feel like this maybe the last straw and I’ve forgiven so much previously.
That’s such a good idea to save the money and pay for something that I know my Nan would be happy of. I just feel like I have masses amounts of guilt for accepting the money. And I’m easily led so if I feel like I’m disappointing people I would do anything not to.
Thanks again so much for your advice. It’s really helped. X
Dear Lost Daughter,
I saw that you said you tried to call the samariatians as per jos advice. Just to let you know that if you live in scotland you can also call Breathing Space after 6pm.
You have the sweetest, kindest, biggest heart and your response had me in tears. Thank you so much for taking your time out to help and advise me. You are truly a diamond and I’m gutted to hear you recently lost your mum, but you’ve got such a good head on them shoulders and you are so unbelievably strong. And even now while you’re grieving you’re still helping everybody else. You are a very special person and I appreciate you so so much!
You’ve absolutely hit the nail on the head, I do feel a tremendous amount of guilt for being a beneficiary, why should I benefit from such a tragic heartbreaking thing, and I think like you, we just never imagined we would inherit anything in life anyway, we’d just happily earn it first. You’ve really helped me understand why I’m feeling so guilty and probably my mum would be magnifying this even more so.
It just makes me so sad to know how people can be completely controlled by money, what kind of life is that… And I’m really sad to learn you have had a similar issue in your family. How these people live with themselves is beyond comprehension!
The lady we bought our home off had a son just like your brother so I know exactly what you mean and I understand how crushing it must have been to watch your parents be taken advantage of but wow you are such an incredible human being to dedicate so much time and love to your mum at the end of her life - You made it the best most comfortable end she could have had and you did the best you could, you can’t ask for more than that. I’m sorry to say this but your brother and nephew sound poisonous, and I don’t wish any good for them at all but your mum knows how much you loved her, and I’m 1000000% sure she loved you just as much if not more. It seems to me that your brother could have coerced your mum into agreeing to something she didn’t mean. Have you seen the will? Was it changed recently?
I’m thinking of you to and sending all the virtual hugs. Thanks again for your kindness and generosity
Dear Lost daughter,
Bless your socks, i am utterly and truly moved by your response. You said the nicest most wonderful things. I Just spoke from the heart when I saw your post and just wanted to stand up for you. Somedays I don’t feel very strong. I actually feel sad and a bit guilty that I wasn’t there for my mum at the very end (although I was for over a year of her illness) between COVID and my brother and nephew deliberately stopping me and others visting. My cousins wifes had to fight to get me in the house and see her near the end. My nephew was pretending to still be my friend and telling me lots of lies. I think they were both telling my mum lots of lies too. She was very weak. They didnt sit with her either and I would have given anything to be able to sit there but she lived with them or rather they lived with her. Her sister had came up from England coincidentally on the day she died and told me she and her son where with my mum but I now find out this was a lie and she was alone. Because my nephew let it slip to my cousins wife that they aren’t actually sure when she died exactly. The thing is i could have been there. He let me think my mum had become unconscious because of medication but that wasn’t true either. Its been a very difficult situation made more difficult by COVID and the fact they are still causing problems for me much like your mum is for you. Sometimes things skip a generation. Which i think is what happened between you and your gran. Stay strong. You have a lovely partner and thats your family now. She may be your mum biologically but it sounds like thats as far as it goes. Live for your gran.
I am thinking of you too and yours was the loveliest and kindest response. I too am thinking of you and sending you mega hugs.
Thank you
Meebee
I’m soooo sorry to know your mum was on her own, and I totally get where you’re coming from in terms of you would have given anything to be there but I’ve got to say, please don’t let her entire life be defined by the last few hours. You must honor all the amazing memories you have shared with her and fixating on the sad ending isn’t what your relationship was, I’m aware I’m speaking from a privileged view point because I got to be there for my nan and you are completely allowed to feel that way, as I’m sure I would too. But try and fill your thoughts with the good things you’re cherishing now.
I’m so sorry for my late reply I lost the thread. Xx
Thank you for your lovely reply. I myself have been having a difficult time of late and havent been on the site for a while. So your lovely message coincided with my visit. i hope that despite your circumstances that you have a wonderful xmas. I have thought of you on and off and hope that you are doing well. Take care.
