Bereavement, Grief, Loss, too often in my short life!

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Death, dead bodies, coffins, burials, cremations Oh My! It all began in 1966. Being left alone at funeral parlours and ending up speaking with the ghosts of the dead. Nightmares for years. I’ve created a blog to cope with it.

So, it went like this. 1966-granduncle; 1969-maternal grandfather; 1973-maternal grandmother and just 9 months later in 1974 my own father. After all this, I gave up attending any funerals. 1997-Mother, I was away and relieved of not having to deal with that one.

Then got a respite and life was good. Unfortunately, 2016-2017 was worriesome and out-of-the-blue son died. We were crushed. After 5 years, I’d began recovering but now just 3 months and 9 days, unexpectedly and suddenly, hubby died at just 63. I may turn out just as HM Queen Victoria and never recover. The love of my life is gone … May-June is busy for us, daughter’s birthday, hubby’s birthday and then our wedding anniversary.

The Pandemic hasn’t made things easy as it’s over a month now and I’m still waiting for his ash casket to be home with us. Sleep deprived and without outside support it’s tough! Anyone wants to chat?

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Being left at a funeral parlour all alone as a child sounds horrendous, nightmare making especially for a child. Lots of other losses through your life and now your husband. I lost my daughter in January, my partner 10 years ago etc. it’s bloody very very hard. I think in the depths of grief there aren’t any clever words to make it better. You have picked yourself up before and so you know you do have inner strength. It’s early days after your husbands death, so, if you can try not to beat yourself up. You know, better than many, that loss can be the price of love. For now just keep putting one foot in front of the other and get through one day at a time. Be kind to yourself, you’ve been through enough. I wish you what I wish myself and everyone one o here, a little bit of peace. Sending you my best wishes xxx

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Hi CDB

Yes, I’ll chat with you, anytime. Welcome to our griefchat line where volunteers and people who are struggling and going through grief themselves will I’m sure offer you support.

You lost many people in the past, but somehow when you’re younger you see and deal with crisis’ differently. To lose your beloved son, and now your husband is beyond devastating. I’m so very sorry for those losses and send you all my thoughts and sympathy,

You have your daughter and together you will find comfort and support for each other, but to know others who have suffered similarly will offer help means a great deal as I see from the responses on here.

Keep letting us know how you are getting on and say what you feel. I wish you strength and love.

Miche24

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Hi Miche24, the worst these days, which causes anxiety no end, is the waiting. I’m someone, naturally, that wants to score off my to-do list. Unfortunately, delays such as item not ready and holidays, currently are exploding my patience… At the same time, aka conflict of balance, I’m wanting to pace myself so I don’t trip up! It’s an internal mess. Indeed, you are correct, having my girl with me makes a huge difference as she’s such as her dad for the solidness and spirited for lightness as myself. She’s got me watching funny animated films just now and we’ll be having a messy but good lunch. Thanks!

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That’s so good to hear CBD, and thanks for the answer. Sometimes being a person who likes order and their ducks in a row makes something we can’t control unbearable. Your daughter sounds amazing and she’s right, laughter is good for the soul.
hugs Miche24

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Updates: Last Friday I’ve found news which crushed my soul. It went like this… We had just lost our son after just 3 months of his cancer diagnosis. January 2017. In around Spring after doing a lot of painting indoors, hubby suffered from a frozen shoulder. He went to see his GP and received dire news. Just as his father had suffered, hubby had advanced angina and was given a possible two plus years left.

I remembered he came home pretty down in mood. When I enquired what was wrong, he just said that the stress of loosing our son and pushing himself with the decorating to keep busy had taken its toll on him and that he was sorry to have worried us, me and our daughter.

Sadly, he kept the diagnosis to himself and the fact that he couldn’t afford the medication to prevent death and live out to his wanted dream of us reaching 50 years of marriage.

We were lucky in the sense that without medication, death came after just 5 years of him finding what was wrong with his right shoulder. I’ll never understand why he didn’t share this dire scenario with us. I believe he wanted to protect us, as it was so soon after our son’s passing.

Regardless, it’s still incredibly shocking. Poor hubby, having to live wondering if and when it was going to happen. I spend Friday and Saturday crying my eyes out. Realising now as to why he was grumpy on certain days and why he seemingly doubled his work on his laptop. It finally makes sense.

Me, personally, I’m just wanting the day-to-day difficulties I’m facing trying to settle his affairs and being able to come to terms with what happened. I still want to wake up from this nightmare and see hubby there by my side in bed.

Unfortunately, reality is the nightmare and I’m looking forward to the day when daughter and I will be able to mourn him without someone shouting at us, that something is wrong or missing. We’re exhausted, sleepless nights after another and once we’ve seen a few people during the day, it’s complete isolation at night which makes it unbearable.

Thank you for reading. Blessed be!

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Dear CBD

You’re having a hard time and I’m so glad you’ve chosen to make contact on here. It’s such early days since you lost your husband, and each day brings it’s own feelings and challenges.

I think the paperwork process after losing a loved one and getting everything in order is an extreme experience for anyone suffering loss, and more businesses should train their staff to be kinder. However, I have every confidence you and your daughter will get through this together.

The realisation that your dear husband lived with the knowledge of his diagnosis and said nothing is truly hard to comprehend, because your natural instincts would have been to reach out and comfort him. As you say, knowing this and having to live with the knowledge is just too painful.

But his reasons were those of love; he did it to save you and your daughter from more pain. His love for you put you first. Such a wonderful man, who wouldn’t want to cause you any more hurt. In time you may honour this, but meanwhile you are struggling to understand.

I feel overall that you are have the inner strength to pull through, much as you can’t think this way right now, and want you to know you have all the support you need on here.

You signed off with a very interesting blessing, so I know you are spiritually aware too and I hope that is helping. If you want to chat further, that’s fine. I’m thinking of you with affection.

Miche24

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Thanks Miche24 that’s so nice of you! Yes, staff should be trained to better handle these situations. Tact and discretion are of utmost importance in any situation and especially give respect to the persons who are going through these tough times. I agree!

Regarding my signing off, I practice Wicca as well as Church of Scotland. I discovered Wicca while doing my family’s genealogy a while back. My great grandmother had the most wonderful book of herbal medicines.

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I think Blessed Be is beautiful, thank you for explaining x

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Hi
How awful for you. I too lost many people and now there is no-one left. First my mum when I was just six I have some scary memories of her illness. A difficult childhood In those days men did not bring up children but my dad did all he could despite us being poor. I always felt a bit of a misfit I didn’t know what family was. Then I met my husband and couldn’t believe that at last I would have some happiness. The last of my family,auntie and uncle died a few years later . My husband became ill and had half his leg amputated and also had a bowel cancer which he fully recovered from After being with my lovely man for nearly thirty years I became ill and then very ill indeed I longed each day for him to visit me to hear the tap of his walking stick on the floor. On the day of my second operation my husband was brought in having been taken ill in the night. When I came round I was told that he had little chance of surviving. I was got out of bed and wheeled down to see him. He chose to have the operation even though they said he only had a 2%chance. I was in a dream and even thought I was dreaming. I didn’t say the things I should have. I don’t know how long but his surgeon came to my bed and told me that he wouldn’t wake up. They took me to sit and watch him die. All this was seven years ago and still hurts so much. Why does God hate me - funnily before he died I had a faith but now it’s gone. The loneliness is agony and I just wish I could have just one more minute with him. I have no-one and I know bitterness does no good but I still feel it. I have so many why’s. Why do some people seem so cursed and why others just sail through life?. I hate myself for feeling like this. He was the only man who ever loved me. You have had a very tough time too and I have no answers I wish I did. I sincerely hope that you can find some comfort somehow. I wish the same for myself and all those who are suffering.

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Oh my Goddess, sweetie you’ve been through hell and back. My sincerest sympathies.

Not enough that he was ill but you as well at the same time… My that’s heartwrenching.

I’ve lost loads, especially before my teenage years. It all began to fall apart for 8 years… Honestly, it was a tough time and what I disliked at this period was the fact that I heard the same words over and again: “Kids are resilient, so she’ll pull through!” Which translated to me not having any bereavement support. My father’s and great grandmother’s faith is what got me through but it was difficult no less.

What did got me through was the fact that I knew, just beyond the veil, that they were there watching over me. To this day, what others call paranormal, is my normal. I can’t explain how or why, it’s too complicated but I take comfort in knowing that our son, my husband and my father are still with me every day.

Blessed be deary!

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