Bereavement of wife

So much grief finding it really hard to cope

You and me too Goodmate. My wife passed away on Saturday after a short battle with cancer. Things have seemed unreal since she was diagnosed.

My wife passed 10 weeks ago, I’m with you there. Everything is still as numb as the day she died.

My mom passed on the 13th may still finding it hard ,I’ve never had something knock me so much I’m with you all .laura .

To all of you.sheer sheer hell isn’t it I am fogged up on medication.does not take the pain away at all.but please remember we have each other on this site.I am so thankful for.I really did not expect my girl to die.Annette.xxxx

It’s good to talk with other people dealing with grief because it’s a very lonely time ,I cannot believe how things can change so quickly,I can’t stand the pain and empty feeling in my chest and stomach ,I keep trying to think that my mom wanted me happy not in bits ,but it is hard .Laura.

Hi, I know we are all going through the same pain, but I am having a really bad day, My Daughter keeps telling me to snap out of it, how can I just snap out of the grief I feel with the loss of my Wife. I had not heard from my Daughter for ten days, so tried to ring her this morning, just got her answer phone, so sent her a text, asking how they all were, as I had not heard from them, got a text back saying, " We are ok, we are busy ". I just feel now, that I am in the way and feel like I shouldn’t be here, My Daughter knows, that I have not got anyone else to talk to, I have just had enough, it’s been nearly 7 months since I lost my Wife and it is not getting any easier, in fact I miss her more every day. Sorry for this, I know you are all going through the same. But I just needed to tell someone how I am feeling today, sorry.

Woody it is hard. Your daughter should have had a bit more sympathy. My son doesnt really contact me during the week but he is at work all week and I am work but I speak to my daughter most days as she also picks me up from work. It is hard for me its been just over six months. Sometimes I feel I am getting through the day and then other weeks I feel like it has walloped me again and I cant stop crying. People say you learn to live with it and adjust. Maybe you do but I cant feel it at the moment. We are all different in how we react. Some people cant go to work, I do get up but its difficult actually getting out of bed, coming downstairs and just not wanting to go to work but I force myself. I ask for Phil’s strength every day and my Angels. Sometimes I feel it sometimes I dont maybe I am being too grief stricken I dont know. I wish I had the answers. Do you think your daughter is grieving in her own way? Like I said it affects everyone different. Why do you not try grief counselling? Sorry if I am coming up with random things but even though I am grieving I still feel for other people who are going through the same. I wish this aloneness would stop and its not as if me and Phil spoke every night because he loved the TV but it was the acceptance in each others company. I dont know what to say life is so cruel and I wish I had a magic wand. Any day you feel horrible come on here or other sites and let it out. I have been feeling it recently. I dont get on here every night because of work and basically just feeling shattered after work. I find grieving does drain you. Keep on going its all we can do…

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Colleen, Thank you very much for your reply, I do very much appreciate your kind words, even though we are all going through the same thing. The trouble with my Daughter and her husband is, that money is their God. My Daughter signs for the Deaf, she is freelance, her husband is a Police Sergeant. But they also have a business, selling kitchen memorabilia both on eBay and also from space in a shop that they rent. They have just had a huge house built, I appreciate that they work very hard, but it doesn’t take a couple of minutes just to text or phone me, even the Granddaughters, I don’t see now, as their parents are to busy to bring them to see me.
I am 67 and disabled my self, so difficult for me to go and see them, even then the chances are m they would not be in. It sounds like I am feeling sorry for my self, or being very selfish, but that is not the case, I live in a retirement apartment, never see anybody here, there is no community spirit.
We lived here for seven years, they all knew how ill my Wife was, but nobody ever asked if we needed anything or even knocked on the door to see how we were.

I am starting to sound like one of them grumpy old men, but I am really not like that at all.
It’s just when you become to be in the situation that we are in, then I think it makes you feel very bitter and angry about everything. I know I have days where I am looking for someone or something to blame for what has happened, another day, I feel guilty, I think, if I had done this or if I’d done that. I think we all go through different emotions , grief does not come with a user manual, so we just have to muddle through it, for however long it takes, probably forever.

I understand, what you say about what is the point in getting up. I still get up between 5.30 and 6 o’clock every day, I used to get my wife’s breakfast and get everything ready for the nurses, then, I would make her lunch, before the carers arrived, then we would have a snack, then I would do the washing etc, then I would make the dinner, so my day was always filled, but now, I am in a void, as I have not got all these things to do, it’s empty, but I still get up at the same time, I push myself to, otherwise, it will be quite easy just to stay in bed all day, I don’t want that to happen.

Sorry Colleen, this has been very long, but I have had such a bad day, haven’t spoken to anyone or seen anyone for days, so I just had to say everything.
Thank you for your time in reading this, hope I have not bored you to much.
My thoughts and prayers are with you

Hi Woody, I was very sorry to read of your situation, especially how your daughter has not been more supportive. There’s no need to apologise for getting things off your chest on here, that’s what the site is for.

I wondered if you have tried to get any help from organisations like Age UK or Cruse. Age UK provides a befriending service which might help, and Cruse might be able to arrange one to one counselling at your home.

There’s also an organisation called Way-Up which you could join - if you are mobile enough they organise meet ups with others who have been bereaved. I don’t know, but one or two of their members might be happy to visit you for coffee and a chat.

I hope things start to improve soon for you. It is a long and difficult path we are following, and different for all of us, but after 8 months I don’t feel as dreadful all the time as I did at the start. Unfortunately bad days still occur from time to time. With best wishes.

Hi Neil, Thank you very much, for your reply and your support.
I want to try and get councilling, but I have got this fear of going out at the moment, it’s not so much the going out, it’s coming back to emptiness and silence, also, when I have had to go out, I panic, as I feel I should not be out without my Wife.

I know, that we will all go through different emotions. Maybe I will try and get Antidepressants from my GP, i did not really want to go down this road, as you hear of so many people becoming addicted to them. I will try and get mild ones and see how I get on, as I know that I have got to start going out.

I have seen Age UK website, they seem very good, I would like to give them a try.
I will try to get a referral from my GP, about getting councilling from Cruse.
Thank you very much Neil, you have been a great help

It is very hard it’s nearly 7 weeks since my mom passed and I had her with me every day ,I took her everywhere with me and my children,being at home is hard coming back from the school run and my house feels so empty cause she’s not there ,and people seem to think that I should just be ok now but I’m not ,this is the hardest now carrying on .laura.

You are welcome Woody. Regarding Cruse I think you can ring them on 0808 808 1677 without needing to see your gp. I can understand your reluctance to go out but I think it’s a matter of getting out of our comfort zones and making ourselves try new little things to help rebuild ourselves. Bereavement seems to break us and we have to try and repair ourselves piece by piece. Best wishes

Hi Neil, Thank you for the Cruse phone number. As you say, it’s all new ground, we are completely lost, we have been thrown into a world of bewilderment, without a user manual. It’s just one day at a time.
I just feel so useless now, as I was my wife’s main carer, there was always something for me to do, but now nothing.
Thanks again Neil

Hi Woody I hope it has not been too bad today for you. Everything has now changed forever. Everything we took as the norm has been turned upside down. Phil and I always had each other now I have to rely on other family and I know they dont mind but I feel angry that I shouldnt have to. Phil should be here. I cant cook. Phil used to love it and if I tried to even make soup for work he would come in offering advice so I was quite happy to let him do it. So for me its ready meals at the moment. Cant work full time and then come home and cook tea I dont have the energy in me. Hopefully as time goes on it might change but sometimes when I am in my I hate this life stage I just want to dig my heels in like a child and say I wont I wont I wont and expect to be able to get my own way and get Phil back but I know that wont happen. I have suffered with sciatica this week something I have never had before but Phil always suffered with and I think he is letting me know when it is like. I may have told that you before. I dont know whether Ive been thinking it or saying it at the moment. Another charm of grieving NOT. Grieve for however like you want. We all know, even though we dont want to admit it, that we have to get through each day but whatever gets us through that day we should be proud of ourselves whether that is crying, screaming, sitting and looking into think air. We can do whatever is right for us. I hope it hasnt been too bad for you today.

Hi Colleen,
I don’t know about you or others, but I really dread some days of the week, it’s like I get Groundhog week. Friday, was the day that Janice was taken into hospital, Saturday, in and out of consciousness, Sunday, was a good day, as I could not believe how Janice had perked up, she was talking, laughing, it was a great day, I said to her " Another couple of days and you will be home again, as the antibiotics are obviously working now, Monday was a complete change, all through the day, Janice was struggling to breath, Tuesday, I got a phone call in the morning to get to the hospital straight away, cutting a long story short, Janice passed away at six minutes past six. I am really sorry to have to go all through that, but this is how I am, every week is the same, i just can’t get it out of my head, the days haunt me.

You say about cooking, I enjoy cooking, I always made Janice’s meals, I always cook a roast dinner on Sundays, I love Sunday dinners, I still do it now, as it gives me something to do and concentrate on, people say to me, are you eating, you must eat, I say yes, I eat, because getting something to eat, gives me something to do, trouble is, I think I am eating to much now. I am really glad I don’t smoke or drink, I gave up smoking five years ago and am not allowed to drink with the pain killers and blood pressure pills that I have to take.

I think Sciatica, is brought on by stress, which we certainly go through, have you seen your GP about it .
What do you do weekends, when you are not working, that must be stressful for you as you are at home and have to find something to do. I hate having nothing to do now, as I had something to do all day long, when Janice was here, getting her meals, getting everything ready for the nurses, then the carers,just feel so useless now.

Sorry to ramble again Colleen, try and have a good weekend, take care

Hi Woody Your bound to be like that. When Im waiting for my daughter to pick me up from work if she’s a bit late and its a Thursday it always take me back to when Phil should have been picking me up from work and I was waiting for him thinking he had got stuck in traffic in the bridges. Him passing over was the last thought I had. My like we only know too well life can change in a second! Your wife would not have wanted to leave you and just like Phil she will be upset that you are struggling. I think we have to find our niche. At first I was drinking of a night just to get some sleep but then it seemed to be taking over so I stopped. I like sweets so I have been eating them. Maybe too many but I have days when I dont eat them at all but I feel like I should have a treat, I deserve it I say to myself but its the only thing we can do to cope so dont be hard on yourself.

Yes someone else about sciatica being brought on by stress. I will continue with ibupofen because I dont think theres much the doctors can do. Its all a live and learn now. Try something if it doesnt work try something else. Phil used to always like advising me or basically telling me what to do ha ha and I used to tell him that. How much I miss that now and he could advise me until the end of time and I would be quite happy.

Its been hard as well because memories {I have probably mentioned this before} have been coming up on my Facebook about holidays to Tenerife and we would have been there now if Phil had been alive so it is so bitter sweet. I try and not look at them but I cant help it because they were happier times and I dont just want to forget for one split second. I dreamt of Phil last night and felt really close to him this morning and for the rest of the day I have felt calmer except for this pain.

I go out at the weekend as we have a Royal Naval Club at the bottom of our road. Phil was on the Committee and we have been members for over thirty years. Phil helped serve behind the bar voluntary so I still go because I feel Phil there as well and our family have been part of it for so long. My kids and grandkids go in on a Saturday and its just like family. I can go in their on my own and not feel awkward also I go in on a Saturday night because friends and family are there so at least I have got that release. I could go on a Sunday but I have work the next day so I spend Sunday relaxing. Maybe in time you can look at some local social clubs or any courses although everyone is different. We all just have to muddle through the best way we can. Sometimes I could scream at the futiity of it and the stark realisation that this is it he has gone and there is nothing I can do to get him back. Phil said sometimes I cried to get my own way and usually he gave it to me and I think of that when I cry now but think I am not going to get my own way this time no matter how much I do it. Life is cruel but I am thankful I believe in the afterlife because if I didnt I dont know where I would be. Take care of yourself and dont be too hard on yourself as well

Hi Colleen,
I am pleased that you also have faith in the spirit world, Janice was a Medium and was a guest medium at several Spiritualist churches. This is also my belief and also our children and Grandchildren. So I know that Janice is always with me and around us all. Janice also wrote poetry, I will try and post some of her poems on here, but not sure if that would be allowed.
I don’t know if I have said before, but I played drums in bands in the 1960’s, started playing when I was ten, played for thirty five years, until I had my accident at work twenty five years ago and it got to much, I taught my Grandddaughter to play drums, when she was six years old, she is now nearly fifteen and a good drummer, I play bass guitar badly, out of practice, have not played it for years. I also enjoy photography, I was a professional photographer, in the 1970’s, but purely amateur basis now, but have not had the incentive to go out and do it, since Janice passed, as we always done everything together.

I am trying to write a song about Janice, but never been able to put the words together, Janice, could write a poem, in less than an hour, I wish I had the ability to do that. I have managed to write the first verse so far, which has taken me weeks. Will get there eventually.

Take care, have a good weekend

Hi Woody I feel really comforted by being spirtual. Some days I get angry and say it could all be wrong and I could be talking to myself and once Im gone Im gone but thats on the days when I cannot get my head around him being gone. Maybe it would do you good to go back to the church? Like Ive always said we all have to do what we have to do to get( through each day. For some people it takes longer than others. Do anything that comforts you, write songs no matter how long it takes, try poetry, I think I might start going back the library and reading books which I had stopped since Phil has died and I think he has been reminding me how much I like reading because I see my library card every time I go into the back kitchen. When I think about the house (I cant call it home now because Phil is not here in the flesh) and what I should do about it I hear a voice in my head saying do whatever you want to do. Do whatever makes you happy. If your happy Im happy. Maybe its just me saying that in my head but I like to think its Phil. He did say to a Medium when our son went to see one that tell your mum I dont mind what she does with the house its up to her. Well I have stayed in today due to the sciatica and I have just looked on a website and I should be moving more so I have been up and down even though it has been killing me ha ha. Will do me good after working full time all week to have just some me time and doing jobs and bits I am usually too tired to do. Take care and tomorrows another day. Keep on with the song or songs.

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