Bereavement

How to cope with bereavement

Hi brennan
I think your question really depends on you, your life and who you have lost. I have lost both parents and life is very difficult. What is getting me through each day is my work, my partner and my 13 year old daughter.
Lots of really lovely people on this site will approach you with other ideas.
Are you happy to tell your story?
Cheryl

Hi Brennan, I’m afraid that everyone’s bereavement can be different and rightly who you have lost. I can only speak from losing my husband and losing your best friend and soul mate is devastating especially if you don’t really have a network of family. The one person you need to support you is gone and if you are alone it is doubly painful.
We are here for you if you wish to share your pain with us.

My husband of 48years passed last October and i feel i will never be happy again.

Have you noticed how people in general find have d to understand sadness?
I am feeling very very sad at the moment.
I have been crying a lot, I am finding I all I want is to go and be quiet
What I have found out about s was that if I say I am depressed people understand, if I say I feel low, alone I am understood but if I say I am said there is no understanding! I here comments like you have to be positive, you need to be brave!!
Gosh! I am just so very sad. I miss my Jack so much. During the day I have flash backs of situations and things we share.
I am sad that I am living without him, I am so sad that I will be moving to a house he never saw. I am having work done in the house and he my companion, my partner, my lover is not here to share this huge change with me!!
I am just sad
Sad that Jack can’t hold my hand and kiss me. Sad that I go for my walks alone! I am sad and I have learned to live with this sadness
Thank you for listening
Sadie xx

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sorry your feeling like this,sadly many of us in the same situation can empathise as we are facing these very sad times our selves.
hope you can cope with the move.and know there are plenty of members on here that are here to reach out to as and when you need an ear to listen or a bit of comfort.
regards ian

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Hi Sadie,
I said to somebody only yesterday I wish there were a pill I could take for sadness. I would swallow it if it would ease the aching loneliness of sadness. Sadness is not depression. It can accompany it but it’s distinctly different.
You are right when you say it accompanies everything we do. I can’t bear to look at views my husband can no longer see, I don’t want to visit places without him. The sadness that my husband, who loved life ,can’t experience the future we hoped for eats into my bones. It is constant and unrelenting. The flashbacks you describe take my breath away as well. If I dwell too long on where I long to be rather than where I am the sadness overwhelms me.
Solitude is also my answer to other people’s misunderstanding of sadness. No amount of distraction eases sadness - all of us on site will have found that.
I wish I had a solution to ease your sadness but all I can say is I do understand.xx

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Dear Brennan56,
I feel the same way, I lost my husband last February 2020 at the age of 49. Not only I feel I will never be happy again but I will never recover and live a normal life again. With no children and no family or friend around I am in a very dark place. I stop working few years ago to help my husband fight his cancer and support him and lost every contact because friends and colleagues tend to take their distance once they know about the cancer situation. I am alone and find it hard to survive,

I am glad you talk about solitude! I am comfortable with me - I can be sad and just be
At the moment I feel pleasure with my grandchildren and even them I found and that small doses are five. One of my daughters suggested the 2 boys(4 and 7) came to spend the night this weekend and I can’t - it is just too much effort
My 4 year job of grandson turned to me the other day and said ‘ do you think grandad was sad when he died” the way he saw it was - we were sad when he died so grandad was sad when he died.
I think this forum is brilliant as you will understand what is happening without too much explanation
Thank you
Sadie x

Dear Sonia2
You will survive! We will survive but is going to take a lot of effort and at times if feels really hard and this is why we have to take a day at a time - a foot in front of the other - knowing that living well is a way to honour our husbands - is it easy? Sometimes ok and very often hard work

Every morning when I get up I put make up on, perfume, get dressed as if I was going out somewhere and that helps a bit - but just today I looked around and my house is turning into a mess! And this is not a good sign - so my big effort today is to tidy up - house is clean but messy - if Jack saw the house now he would ask what is happening ? He would hold my hand and say c’mon girl we will do this together and then go for a walk’ ! So I have to pull myself together!
Maybe t he other sign that things are not well is that I picked Jack’s funeral order of service and started making little changes so we can have very similar funeral services - literally the same - and this is not healthy
So Sonia - we all go to these very dark places and we can stay there a little - acknowledge how we feel and after a couple hours of rolling in our sorrows we get up, dust ourselves off and recognise and accept the gift life is and honour our husbands by been strong so they can move forward in their journey
A friend of mine told me that Jack needs my support from here to be able to settle where he is as I need his support to settle here
Last night I dreamed about Jack and I can hear clearly when he said to me “ we will do this together”
Sending you love

Sadie xx

One thing is for certain we all understand the meaning of the word ‘sadness’. Your right, we are not depressed, cause if that one special person walked through the door our ‘sadness’ would disappear in a second.
No matter what I do and I must be honest I enjoy my dogs, walking and working on the allotments however there is still that dull sadness deep inside me. When I am there are people stopping to have a chat all the time. I smile, I even laugh with them but still that sadness is there.
This morning I walked with my dogs on the seafront near my home. The view and blue seas was stunning and did lift me but still the sadness that Brian wasn’t there to share it with me. The little outside cafe was opening up again and he loved to sit there and watch the world go by. Lovely memories but so much sadness. I don’t crave company either, just my dogs.
xxx

Dear Sadie,
Thank you so much for your words of support. You are the first person who replied to me and I am so grateful as I feel so lonely and distressed. I am in tears while I am reading your reply, Oh Sadie I am so weak ! I do not feel like putting make up on or go out. What for, Kane won’t be around the corner as he used to, I cannot even cook a meal and like you said my flat is in a mess. Kane would also be surprise as I am usually always cleaning. I cannot watch TV or movies we used to watch together, I cannot listen to my music anymore, I really cannot do anything. The only thing that would make me happy is to join him wherever he is. I cannot find any purpose in life. Lucky to be alive for what ? I do not know what direction to go. I am so happy for you to know that you dreamed about Jack and he spoke to you in that dream. I was not able to dream about Kane and communicate with him, it is so frustrating. Kane loved walking and sit at a terrace for a coffee around a nice area, we used to that every day in summer, I cannot do that without him, too many memories and I miss him so so much. My husband was the only person who cared for me all my life. I lost my father when he was 47, I was only 18 then. My husband was 49;The same story repeated itself with a lot pain. But the pain I have today is deeper than the one I experienced when my father passed away. It is more than I can bear.
Soniaxx

Love what you write Pat
:kissing_closed_eyes:

Hi Sonia,

So sorry to read how much you are suffering. Can totally understand when you say you feel like doing nothing, exact same here, everything you wrote in your other post applies to me, I have no motivation to do anything.

It makes me sad you do not have anyone to support you - no children, no colleagues, no family and friends. That must make it incredibly difficult for you. I am glad you have come to this forum, please keep posting and people here will help you.

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