bereavment

My wife died from a heart attack due to suffering with COPD , I’m finding it hard to cope even remembering the good times upsets me, I feel guilty that I couldn’t save her on the night she died, We were married for 42 years I just can’t believe I’ll never ever see her again. My heart is truly broken.
Yes I have family around me and they help and they all think I’m coping really well but I’m not really, they don’t see me on my own.
I guess some of it is self pity and another part is feeling so sorry for my poor wife. and the fact nothing is going to be the same ever again.
John.

Hi John,
I am so sorry to hear that your wife has died and that you’re finding it hard to cope. It’s good to hear that you have family around you, but I understand it is difficult being seen to be coping by others, when you know that when you are alone it’s very different. I hope this community is a welcoming place to turn when you are on your own.

Whilst you’re waiting for some replies to your post you may find it helpful to read and perhaps reply to posts in the Losing a Partner category: https://support.sueryder.org/community/losing-partner

There are many people in this community going through something similar and I hope you find this to be a supportive place to share your experiences and how you’re feeling.

Take care,
Eleanor

Hi John
I’m sorry for the loss of your wife , I to lost my wife 6weeks ago , I don’t really have any answers for you on how you will be feeling other than that there are lots of people going through similar experiences on this site ,and many including me are finding it difficult to cope , I have and I am going through many different emotions with my loss , I have found a little comfort in reading through a lot of the posts on here which are sad but make me realise that there are a lot of people in the same boat, it’s never going to be easy, but people do care .jon

Hi Jon
Same here , It has helped reading the other posts , Some days seams like I’m getting there then other days I’m in bits ,Just watching a holiday program can set me off knowing that that’s not going to happen again.
Sometimes thought it was me being a bit soft but now I realise we are all in the position. Just have to take one day at a time. John.

Hello John, I am so very sorry for what you are going through. My husband of 47 years, died from complications due to COPD. He started being ill eight years before he died and for the last three years of his life I was his 24/7 carer.

He suffered terribly with his breathing and was on 24 hours a day oxygen. He said it was like breathing through a thin straw. He was a smoker from being a teenager but even when we realised, through TV commercials, just what cigarettes did to your lungs
he would not stop smoking until the day he started to feel unwell and went to see our GP, but it was too late, there was no way it could be reversed. He got infection after infection and every time his lungs got worse.

It is now nearly four years since he died and our family have moved on, so I just put on a brave face when I see them. I miss the young boy I met in the 1960’s and I miss the man he became and I will miss him until the day I die. He was the only one I ever wanted and when we met it was love at first sight.

I wish I could tell you that it get’s easier, but when you have been with someone for most of your life it will never get easier because you are spending your remaining years without him.

Everyone on this website is going through a similar thing and so we help each other as much as we can.

Sheila

Thanks Sheila
My wife’s name was Sheila ,
Yes COPD is a terrible disease my wife was a non smoker it all started with mild asthma symptoms gradually getting worst over the years,The last 8 years or so she really struggled she had to leave work her social life came to a near stop which in it self made her very depressed, Then about 18 months ago she woke with pains in her arm and neck ,as I phone for an ambulance she just collapsed on the floor in front of me and she was gone.
This image keeps going over and over in my head and the first few months I thought I would crack up.
18 months on it’s still raw, but I do have better days now, some times a week then a couple of bad days ,so I suppose it is getting a tad better as time goes on,
It’s a case of living with it, you will never forget it. :frowning:
Sheila was only 59 when her heart gave up.
Sorry for going on ,Hope this helps ,it helps me to share.
John.

Hello John, our eldest son is called John after my husband’s father. I have asthma and have had pneumonia a couple of times. I am a non-smoker so are both our son’s, thank goodness.

Your Sheila was only young, I am 75 and Peter was 68, he would have been 72 now, he always called himself my toy boy. When he died, we had known each other for 50 years, so we had had a wonderful life together. My mum was 55 when my dad died aged 57 and my sister died aged 47, my husband’s mum died aged 49 and his dad aged 35 they all died young.

I do spend a lot of time thinking about the past. Sometimes I don’t know if I cry for my husband or for myself for what we have both lost because when I look at our old photos of us in 1964 I see two young people so much in love, then I look in the mirror and think, no, that isn’t me, my mind tells me I am still 21, I still love rock n roll music, I still play the 60’s music all the time but my face tells me differently. I think about our past lives such a lot because I know for a fact I am never going to have what me and my husband had ever again.

Yes, I smile, I laugh, I go out with friends now and again, but they are also widows but they don’t have any interest in anything. I love computers, they keep my mind occupied, my friends, even though they are the same age as myself, don’t have a clue about anything, they only talk about what happened with the neighbours, or they need their garden done or their windows cleaning and it is soul destroying. I would love to go to a 60’s concert and sing along with the group’s, but they don’t want to go. I do my gardening with my Bluetooth headphones on, playing all my 60’s music.

I am young at heart and that is why I cannot get it through my head I am an old lady, having to live the rest of her life without the love of her life.

Perhaps one day, I will get up in the morning and look forward to something, even thinking about going on a holiday does not interest me as my husband and I travelled to many, many countries during our married life so there is nowhere I want to visit.

Anyway, You take care John, I am going for a shower then off to bed.

Sheila xxx

I lost my husband in October 2017 we had been to

I lost my husband to in October 2017 we had been together 2 7 years I was just thinking tonight laying in bed and imagine he coming through the door I am lucky I have a young Familyi am 48 I feel most lonely when they’re at school as I was my husband carer I didn’t work and as my youngest is still only 8 I feel time can heal the pain of losing your wife I the comfort of people’s thoughts on this site may help you best wishes

Hi Jon, I’ve not been on the site for a while. I know what you’re going through, I went out with my husband cycling and came back without him. He had a massive heart attack whilst en route back home. He was about two miles from the house. That was seven years ago. It feels like yesterday. Friends and family think I am coping admirably. I’m not. Some days are obviously good, but if never leaves me. That sense of sudden loss. I think in my case, due to the timescale, people tend to think that you’ve ‘moved on’ but sadly that is not entirely true. I wish you all the very best with your journey. You are certainly not alone.
x

Thanks for sharing Annette-Louise So sorry for your loss as well,
I think a lot of it is we are all still in shock ,I know in time things will get better but nothing can prepare you for losing a loved one. It’s like part of you died that day and getting to grips with the fact it will never be the same again is very hard.
Today I’m fine but another day ,?
It has really helped seeing this is the norm to feel like this, I was wondering " Is it just me that feels like this" Now I know no it’s not.
Thank you all for your input and wish you all well.
XX John.

No problem John. I just wish I’d found this site years ago. A friend of mine text me last night to say that she had lost her husband (57). I was in total shock. (Brings it all back…) Going to see her today.

We have to grab onto the good days and accept that there will be the bad ones and at least we do know that we are certainly not suffering this loss alone. Our partners would not wish to see us living in ;limbo land’. Life after all, is for the living. xxx

XX