Hi to everyone out there who is here for the same reason I am, I have never been on a forum in my life before and this feels so alien but here I am.
I lost my husband on the 20th May, it was not to cancer so I hope I am not out of place here but following a motorbike accident, one minute we were riding along, me behind him on my own bike as we did, the next he was hit by a car, he died three days later after never regaining consciousness.
It is our wedding anniversary coming up, we have been together 11 years and married for 4 next week, we got together later in life after two failed marriages each, we very much got third time lucky but now he is gone and I have no idea how to deal with that.
I have no real idea what I am hoping for by posting this on here, I know everyone is in or has been in the same place I am now, lost, bewildered and in more pain than you ever thought you could be in. I know that no one has answers to the questions in my head and I am not looking for them but I came across this site whilst aimlessly wandering the internet instead of doing the work which I am supposed to be doing right now and thought there could be no harm in joining.
To every one of you out there though I can only say that I am so sorry for you all as what I am trying to negotiate now is the worst pain and heartbreak that I have ever experienced and I know you are all here for the same reason.
Hi Gil
I am so sorry for your loss what a truely tragic way to loose your soul mate. You are in the right place. This community is truly amazing. My wife of 34 years is dying from cancer (we all thought she would depart last week but is battling on although now not capable of any conversation so days maybe hours away). I am new to this site also having been aimlessly wandering various face book sites ( none of whom have responded) and cruse uk which was as helpful as a chocolate fire guard) Since finding this site I have found myself among friends who understand the torture of bereavement and help me each day. I have ranted numerous times and just got positive support back. A great community , I only wish we could meet up as a group but that not possible. I have been so comforted that we all seem to have similar thoughts, feelings experiences so we can all relate to each other. A big hug from me to you. Regards Nedh
Hello @Nedh
I am sor sorry to hear you are in this position, i too had ny husband Bob battling on, and we thought hours away and was days before he passed, this is so hard to go through so i can somewhat feel your pain. I too searched high low forums but to be left disappointed, i also had call with Macmillan but that didnt go as i expected it to, it is awful as we feel lost in a void at times like this,you are right though this community is great, somehow i dont feel so alone in my grief, sending you a virtual hug as the coming days will be heavy for you x
Hi @GilGhillie
So sorry to hear about your tragic loss, this is really sad to hear, you are not out of place here thats for sure, so so sorry what happened to your husband. I too had my wedding anniversary on 6th june 22 years married (would have been) he died on the 4th so 2 days before, so i can somewhat feel your pain with your anniversary being so close. I totally get the being in pain like never before, i think the pain of losing a spouse is so so hard, any loss is hard i know that.
Keep using this community for support, i took couple of weeks of browsing before posting then i felt safe to post and put my feelings down.
Thinking of you and sending you a virtual hug at this heart breaking time x
Thank you so much Shabelabob
I am so sorry for you very tragic loss and the terrible pain you are going through. I wish I could carry some of that for you. Along with this amazing community I have signed up to humming bird which is sponsored by age uk which is a bit misleading as by step daughter of 43 has also signed up and finding them helpful. I had a major wobble last night seeing some old photos and stuff we bought early in our relationship some 20!years ago. Today was ok so for every bad day I will hope for an ok day.
So many sites promise the world and offer zilch. This site offers me everything because of the wonderful safe community where you can just get out all of our thoughts and emotions without feeling embarrassed or out of place . This is a wonderfully safe haven. Big hubs back to you.
@GilGhillie
I am so sorry for your tragic loss, I’m almost at a loss to know what to say to you.
First of all though, you are definitely in the right place. You are among friends here who know what it is like to have your future ripped apart by the loss of a partner and how difficult the salvage operation is to put some kind of life back together.
I lost my wife to a heart attack in December 2024, we had been married for 48 years. I didn’t know which way was up for several months and often still don’t, especially first thing in the morning. As the day wears on though I can usually get some motivation to do something but I have to work at it.
I think you are doing amazingly well to be back at work because you can hardly have recovered from the shock of losing your soulmate in such a terrible way, let alone dealing with the grieving process. I imagine work could be a useful distraction for you and I have found distractions are the way forward, especially in the early weeks and months.
Keep posting on this wonderful website. I’m sure you will have many questions and observations to share. There will be friends here who will listen.
Take care.
Ian and I had been together for 55 years, GilGhillie. He died here at home, on April 7 of idiopathic pulmonary fibrosis. It’s an absolutely awful disease for which there is no cure and he was on oxygen day and night. The last few months got worse and worse for him. It was an awful struggle for him to breathe, and in the few days he deteriorated so much. I can’t get it out of my mind, the struggle he had, and I hope to goodness he knew I was there with him. The palliative care nurses were wonderful and sometimes I was calling them out twice in a night. I miss him so, so much. I can hardly bear it. I have a family, but don’t want to ‘burden’ them, though I bring his name into my conversations all the time, as do they. I just can’t see me having any sort of life without him. I’m just lost. He was my rock, and I was his. Xx
Thank you to all of you who have replied to my post, I see so much of what I am feeling reflected in all your comments. I have experienced loss of family members in the past including my brother but nothing could have prepared me for the loss of my husband. We were both still working although he had gone down to a four day week as semi retirement but other than time at work (we met for lunch every day as worked within less than quarter of a mile of each other) we were inseparable. We are each others best friend and we needed no one else, wonderful whilst we were both here but horrific now he is gone. One of you made mention of the fact I am back at work, I didn’t know what else to do, I went back two weeks after I lost him, it helps to an extent but I have to leave early sometimes as I just can’t cope. My youngest daughter is only 13 though, she has lost her step dad and I have to keep working to ensure we don’t lose our home too.
You should be so proud of yourself. Doing what you are doing . It is a monumental effort and you husband would be so so proud of you
I could not agree with you more about the loss of your husband ( in my case my wife) being such a very different and deep sadness compared with other losses given that you were the perfect unit . When I say Sally is/was my other half it is a literal meaning because one half cannot function without the other half , but we have to now and this community can help us . Big hugs and it great to know we are not alone in our journey
Thank you, you talk about my husband being proud of me, that is something that means so much, during his three days in ICU, a transfer between two hospitals during that time and all the dealing with family, friends etc I was constantly trying to behave in a manner that he could be proud of. His opinion always mattered hugely to me when he was alive and I wanted to be sure that I did not let him down no matter how difficult his last days were. For a total stranger to tell me he would be proud means an enormous amount. Thank you x
Sending you love and strength, your story is so tragic, yet one of courage.
I can feel your pain, to have our loved ones taken so unexpectedly, without warning is horrendous, and our future has been changed drastically to the one we envisaged.
It’s a hard path we tread now, I can only offer my deepest condolences
Look after yourself and your children, take care xxx
GilGhillie
Of course he would be beaming telling everyone how fantastic you are and how utterly proud of you he is as his spirit lives with you( and I am not very religious). I don’t allow anyone to say good by only see you later. Hugs to you and be so proud of your enormous achievement.
Hi Gil
So sorry for your loss. My late husband was a keen biker. I did enjoy been part of that as his pillion.
I joined recently as I was struggling for family to understand how I’m feeling.
I lost my husband on 20th April . It was very sudden. His car crashed into the canal near our home. He was 58.
I was told by a woman who lives on a canal boat that he committed suicide. He was seen driving into the canal at speed, looking very determined. I had nightmares about him drowning. I was angry with him, we had young grandchildren staying with us at the time it happened. I felt suicidal myself for not knowing he would do this.
I found out last week this was all lies. The coroner found he died of a massive heart attack before the car went in the canal. I rang the police to ask about witnesses. The only witness saw the back of the sticking out of the water, no one saw it go in.
All of this has had a detrimental effect on my mental health.
I have been in touch with Talking Therapies, I have my first phone appointment next week.
Just take a day at a time, and try and be kind to yourself 
I don’t know what to say to that, how can anyone be as cruel as to tell you it was deliberate when they had no actual knowledge of what had happened. People never cease to amaze me and it is rarely in a good way. I know the truth about his heart attack does not lessen your pain at his loss in any way but you can take comfort in that he did not intend to leave you. x
Hi AMcD
What a truely amazing and inspirational person you are. Deeply sorry for your loss but deeply angry at how insensitive and destructive people can be . You have been to hell and back not only loosing your life partner but having to think about those totally unfounded words. I hope you have found some peace in the truth ( little compensation so loosing your loved one) but some peace on how this happened
Our love your about to you sin the hope that this community can help shoulder some if that pain. Big hugs from me to you
So sorry for your tragic loss. It struck a chord with me as it was our second marriage each and we had finally found happiness. I had him snatched away from me on 2nd April because of a cardiac arrest. We don’t just mourn our partners but also for our future we have lost. I’m not sure I want a future without him but the alternative is unthinkable as to how it would affect my family. I am going to try to reach out to a sue Ryder group on Monday if I can summon up the courage. I hope you have support and have people you can confide in. Wishing you peace at this awful time xx
Hello
Am sorry to hear tht.we are all in the same boat. Dint feel guilty ever!! Am always awake at night if u feel u need to talk.
Hi gil .so sorry for your loss. I,m a biker myself so I can understand how you feel. Were all here for you xx
Thank you for your kind words of support.
I too find it staggering how needlessly cruel and insensitive people can be. X
Its a lonely day .i have not been ok.been greeving alot.i miss mum so much.i feel so lonely. I want to cheer up.i just cant.x