46 years ago today at 23 my beautiful husband proposed to me. I’m overwhelmed with sadness, missing him so much. He left this world 14 months ago. Our anniversary coming up 7/11. Not in a celebratory mood at all but I’ll endure for my family’s sake. Omg these days are just so unbearable, I miss my person, my best friend, my love, my everything 
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Hello Gumby, I know what you mean. Its been a sad day for me too missing my best friend and my soul mate. Very teary eyed today 
. For me its been 14 weeks since I lost the love of my life.
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Hi Gumby I am so sorry to hear your pain. Four days ago it was six months since the love of my life died. For three months we didn’t get to our fortieth wedding anniversary. We grew together to become one and now I’m broken until we meet again.
Wishing you all the strength you need
All the best
Tom
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Hello Gumby, I know how sad you will be feeling, I lost my partner Theresa just over 4 months ago. Yesterday would have been her 70th birthday. Instead of going out for a meal with her I was taking flowers up to her resting place. Life can be really cruel at times. Hope you find the strength you will need, take care.
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Hi and sorry for your loss, I get how you feel about birthdays and anniversaries. My sister is insisting I celebrate my birthday next week. I’ve told her I don’t want to, it will be my first birthday without my lovely partner who died nine months ago. He always ensured I had a nice day.
His birthday is two weeks after mine. I see no reason to celebrate and I’m surprised by her lack of sensitivity. Is it really impossible for others to show a bit of empathy?
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Hi Noreen,
I have worked with the general public all of my life, and in that time, I have made countless observations on human nature/behaviours.
Sadly, I’m sorry to say, in reality, most people are shallow, and lack emotional intelligence, true understanding and authentic empathy… whether they’re aware of it, or not!
Even more sad, is that these days, thanks to social media and the like, people follow trends and what they see, without question, (sheep fashion).
In recent years, people are only interested in having “great” times, “fun” times, “happy” times… regardless of whether they are actually “HAPPY”??
Sadly, a lot of what we’re surrounded by nowadays, is very superficial and “on the surface”.
Do what you want to do on your birthday, and what you’re comfortable with, and remember that your sister’s life is unaffected by the sad loss of your dear George.
I had a fairytale, amazing and truly authentic life with my beautiful Michael… but it was “Michael” who made my life amazing… not the holidays, restaurants, experiences etc.
For us, it was NEVER about what we were doing, or where we were… but the fact that we were TOGETHER.
More than a year down the line, and I’m beginning to understand that nobody will “get it”.
Only “I” know the true value of what I had, and what I’ve devastatingly lost… and that was 24ct solid gold.
Personally, as far as I’m concerned, there really is “nothing” to celebrate anymore, but I understand that everyone is different.
What you choose to do, must “sit” right with “YOU”, not your sister.
Best wishes,
Eve x
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Hi Eve I have never been one for celebrations as I never thought that it was necessary to have an excuse for a good time with my wife. My wife would always ask me if I wanted something special for my birthday and my reply was always the same “you” but if you want to buy something nice to rap up my present I’m in
I think in the future I will be celebrating my wedding anniversaries, how could I not, though I will do it alone and I will probably cry but I will always acknowledge how blessed I have been to have loved such a sweet woman for forty years.
All the best
Tom
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Hi Tom, that is so beautiful, you always find the right words to express your feelings ..you only needed your wife. That’s beautiful..
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Hello to all of you new widows/widowers. I am here to tell you that life will get better in time. You will make it, you will survive, you will find a way to have a life and be happy again. Just not yet.
It has been 22 months since I found my husband dead in our bedroom. It seemed impossible to live without him, the first 6 months were anxiety filled confusion and horror. His funeral was on my 69th birthday, my last with him. Then all the holidays followed and I spent them alone as I knew my sadness would just ruin everyone else’s holiday and I was in no mood to pretend to be happy for anyone.
It has been a long journey. First, I live hour by hour. I didn’t eat, sleep, couldn’t make a sentence, forgot words, couldn’t drive a car, make a decision, walked in circles and lived in a dense fog, overwhelmed by the amount of responsibilities that descended upon me all at once. What once took 2 people was now all on me and I felt covered by an avalanche. Scared, sad, confused, exhausted and alone.
I didn’t think I would make it, but I have.
I promise you all that it does get better. We adapt and learn this new life step-by-step. We have to create a whole new life, one that fits us by ourselves and which gives us the best chance of being normal again. For most of us, we don’t remember who we were before we married and the person we were while married died when our spouse did.
There is a lot of loss, a lot of changes, a lot of loneliness.
I couldn’t leave the house for more than 30-45 minutes. It was like the world was lava and I had to get back home NOW! Then there was the paperwork, the estate, the changes to all that was in joint names, lawyers, accountants, government workers, it was just a nightmare.
It took 4 or 5 months just to find the current financials and to do so, I had to purge a mountain of paperwork. In the end I hired a shredder truck or I would still be shredding page by page.
Then, I began purging the house. Started with kitchen drawers and cabinets, then my closet, then all the closets. Only last month was I able to empty my husband’s closet. His socks spent 6 weeks on the dining room table as I couldn’t let them go. Socks for goodness sake.
We had no children so there is no one that wants anything. No one in either of our families wants anything. So, I am letting go of the old and replacing with new. The house was like a mausoleum of memories - all of them great but I had to created a new spot for me on this planet. I couldn’t live in “our” house anymore, I had to have a “my” house. It has been cathartic and I recommend it.
In 22 months I have taken care of all delayed maintenance, (delayed due to his illness and I didn’t want to stress him out), managed to keep the utilities going, the cars running, the bills paid, and have jettisoned literal truck loads of “things I don’t need, don’t want, don’t like”. I do not miss any of it.
For the first year, just eat nutritious food, get plenty of rest even if you can’t sleep, pay the bills and exist. It gets better after 6 months, then a bump after 10, the first anniversary is surreal but you realize that you have survived a year already and can do it again.
Is my life perfect and am I happy? Not exactly, but it is all world’s better than the first year. Happy is relative anyway. I can say that I am content. I have a handle on everything, I am functioning again and can make decisions without so much anxiety.
I miss my husband all day, everyday and did not ever accept that he was terminally ill. I couldn’t.
You will all make it. Just not yet. It takes time and a lot of pain. But, in 2 years, you will have a life again. Not the same one, there is no returning to that life, but a new one that you will work at to make it a good one.
Widowhood is exhausting and only widows and widowers understand. All of your friends and family think you should be “over” it all but they just don’t get it. Not their fault, they are lucky to not “know”.
Our life ended, theirs continued. Nothing will ever be as it was, we will never be the person we once were, we just learn to live with the loss.
I am okay, you will be okay. You will make it. We all do.
Experienced, but not by choice.
Love from across the big pond,
Peaches
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Hi Eve, I’m in complete agreement with you. Just being with George was enough for me. We used to do lunch about once a week but it was about togetherness rather than the food. My sister means well, she’s always been a bit of a party girl. She doesn’t understand that I’ve given up on life for the present and that I just go through the motions as I’ve no other choice. She has her own family problems so I don’t want to upset her. Thanks for your response, nice to hear from you. Take care.
Noreen.
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Birthdays are just another day. If you don’t feel like it is a happy day, fine. Don’t bother with it. Other days will be better.
About 5 weeks after my husband died, friends called and suggested we all go out to dinner to celebrate him on his birthday. I nearly vomited at the very thought. But, how could they know? I am so glad they have yet to experience this kind of loss and that they are gleefully unaware.
It is all okay. No matter what or how you handle things, you are okay.
Love,
Peaches
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Hi Peaches. It’s true what they say about walking in someone’s shoes, Other people haven’t a clue until they’ve done so themselves. It’s nine months since my partner passed suddenly and I really don’t feel any better. I’m getting the vibe from some people that I should be making more of an effort, all that’s doing is making me angry and even more upset. I went to a birthday meal for my niece about four months after my partner died, it wasn’t even a restaurant that my partner and I went to together. All I could see were couples and families enjoying themselves. I felt I was wrapped in a cloak of darkness all evening, had difficulty even holding a conversation. I feel I just put people on a downer. Wishing you well, take care.
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Hi Norma. I went to my friend’s wife’s 60 th birthday party last Saturday night. It was in the same venue where I had my 60th party some years ago. I was sitting with a friend who has sadly lost tow wives, he said to me, “we don’t really want to be here do we”
What made it harder for me was when they gave Liz her birthday cake in the middle of the floor, it was an exact image of Theresa presenting me with mine, then to make it worse for me . The singer sang a Whitney Houston song that I picked to be played as I was carrying Theresa from the funeral parlour.
Its really hard when friends invite you to things and you don’t really want to go. But do so out of friendship, Seeing couples up dancing, laughing and enjoying themselves is hard to take.bIts just under 5 months since I lost Theresa. Take care
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So sorry for your loss. But I truly understand. Take care.
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I know I’ve been hurt by people’s lack of sensitivity. I could write a book and AI gave me some hysterically funny ideas for chapters. I hadn’t laughed like that in years. Sad, only a computer gets it!!
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Great post. I agree. I think when you suffer a great loss, it’s an opportunity to go into the deeper realms of “life” and “reality.” Not everyone chooses that, but that’s ok. For me, it brought me back to my spiritual core, stripped away everything else. I’m not religious, but spiritual and it has been like an initiation process into my deeper self and a more authentic one. No fluff anymore.
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