Blaming myself for father’s death

I’m not one to talk about my feelings but it has got to the point where the anger and blaming of myself of my father passing away in January due to covid is affecting my family and work life.

I felt run down just after Christmas 2020 but didn’t think it was covid. A few days later my dad tested positive for covid. We were staying at my parents house due to childcare reasons.

He was taken to the hospital via an ambulance and during the first few days in hospital face timed family members. I was full of guilt blaming myself for him getting it and did not face time him in hospital. He was 57 and two weeks later he passed away from it.

To this day I cannot stop blaming myself, adamant that I had it and gave it to him, experiencing flashbacks of seeing him after he passed away and struggling to sleep. I have built up a lot of anger and sadness since which has caused me to become snappy very quickly and negative about everything. I do not now enjoy doing anything, dread seeing people or going to work and miss him so much that I cannot think or focus on anything else. I’m used to being the person in the family that helps everyone else but now it’s got to the point where I know I need some help which I have never experienced before.

Tazz, it’s horrible but please don’t blame yourself or be angry. At times we just have to except that that is the way life is or had to be. Would your dad want you to be eaten away with these thoughts, my own feelings are ‘no’ he would want you to be strong and help others instead of having all these horrible thoughts. I suspect he would be telling you off and ordering you to think differently. This horrible pandemic has done some horrible things to people and relationships don’t let it do any more, fight to see a different story. Take care and stay safe. Sxx