Blocking out the past

My husband died on 11th March. I just want to block out all the memories of him. It is so painful to remember it is frightening. It increases my heartbeat and I start shivering. I can only cope from day to day by staying busy although all the activities are like living in a dream and floating through space. He was only ill in hospital for 3 days and I didn’t seem to know he was going to die. By the time the hospital sent for me he couldn’t speak and was only semi conscious. I didn’t get to say goodbye or to tell him the things I should have said. I think only my two grandchildren are keeping me alive.

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Hi Pattoa,
You have come to the right place for support at this horrible time, everything you are feeling right now remember that someone here felt it before and what you are going through is a normal stage of grief. In time you will embrace your good memories and not want to block them out p, don’t make any rash decisions such as getting rid of everything just yet, you may regret it later.
I wasn’t able to say goodbye to my husband either, I can’t even imagine him being ill or scared, he was so fit and strong and always took care of me but I wasn’t there when he died suddenly and that haunts me, I feel I let him down because he was always there for me when I needed him. I have my daughter who is my only reason to live as you have your grandchildren, we have to keep a focus on that to give us a reason to get up each day.
You’re in very early days yet and I can’t say it gets much better but each day that goes by is an achievement, some days are better than others, always remember you are not alone, be kind to yourself and take care x

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Hi pattoa
So sorry for your loss
I lost my partner of 20 years on March 17th that too was sudden and he was in hospital only 4 days so I know what you are going through
When he was taken to hospital nobody knew what them next few days were gonna lead up to I was fortunate to be with Mark when his life ended but it was the biggest decision of my life to turn his life support machine off when I knew that only 5 days earlier he was OK and his usually self I can’t imagine my life without him I miss him so much it hurts there was so many things I wanted to say to him that I didn’t it makes me feel so guilty
The only thing iv got rid of so far is his car as I’m not a driver and couldn’t afford to keep it on the road that was a difficult decision too as he loved his car but as for his clothes and other belonging they are still here I just haven’t got the strength yet to part with them
My memories of Mark hurt too but I feel they give me a bit of strength as I know he wouldn’t want me to struggle and would want me to think of all the happy times we had
Just remember you are not alone and don’t suffer in silence like I’m doing
Take care

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Hi Kimmy. Thank you for replying. It helps to read the posts when I don’t know what to do with myself. I don’t know whether it’s right to block out the past. It feels disloyal and also may prolong the awful pain but it is a solution for now. I have got rid of things that have no significance for me but kept all the other precious possessions. It helps to tidy his belongings. It gives me the sense of trying to put my life back together.

When I go into town I see all these women on their own and I notice them now. I think they are alone and now I am one of them. Being half of a couple seems to have more status than being a widow which seems silly but true for me. It’s like being adrift on a wide still sea with no land in sight. We both had our own lives and hobbies and I still have mine but everything lacks significance. I can’t see the point of any of it.

Finally I’m so sorry you didn’t get to say goodbye or be with your husband when he died. Don’t blame yourself. It wasn’t your fault and dying isn’t like the films. It is easy to look back and see how it should have been but at the time we just do what we think is right or things happen without us having any control over them. I find this thought very consoling. I keep words like’should have’ and ‘shouldn’t have’ out of my head as much as possible.

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Hi LinseyMark,
Thank you for replying. I am so sorry you are in the same position as me. Do read my other post. It might help you. I too had to witness the turning down of the oxygen which was the same as life support. The doctor said that was what he had to do and that my husband would then pass away. I thought the doctor was trying to kill him, told him what I was thinking and then felt ashamed. My daughter was there and she said it wasn’t what we wanted but what was best for her dad. He couldn’t have been kept alive with a machine and the doctor did the right thing but at the time it felt terrible and still does. It’s another thing I want to block out of my memory. Take care and don’t blame yourself.

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Hi Pattoa I read many stories on this forum but when you say dying isn’t like in films, that really rang true with me. I watched my husband in a semi conscious state for 2 days, he was unable to talk and there is so much I wanted to say. He died on 19th of January and it still haunts me how terrible it was watching him die.
I too notice women on their own and also see couples everywhere. It is so lonely losing your partner and best friend. As much as I try and fill my days there is always some point that I feel so lost and lonely.
All the people that visited after John died have not kept in touch and many said "let me know if you need anything " but they do not understand that bereaved people do not call for help.
I only hope that time will make this pain more bearable for us all x

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Hello Joanne. Thank you for replying. I am to some extent consoled knowing that other people are in similar situations. I belong to several organisations including the local U3A and have quite a few people that I see regularly at group activities. I suppose this makes it easier for them to offer help and they do because they meet me regularly. If you are 50+ the U3A is a life saver when you are bereaved. Not that it stops the pain but a lot of the members have lost their partners and understand. Do make use of your friends. Invite them round for a coffee or lunch. I invite people to keep me company in the evening because the house is so empty and I feel so lonely. When people say how are you? I don’t lie. I tell them I feel awful. It seems better to be honest. I play the piano and always practised in the evening when my husband was here. Now I am exhausted after 10 minutes. I thought it would get me through the evening but it rarely works. Visitors and silly murder mysteries help! I never used to watch things like that. Look after yourself and don’t be afraid to ask for help.

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so sorry to hear your story.
My Husband died on Feb 21st. He was 58 and fit and healthy. I left for work as normal, all was fine and when I came home he had been dead for hours. So sudden and unexpexted.
Like you I find it too painful to remember all the wonderful things we shared and all the happy memories as they make me feel absolutely desolate, so painful.
I didn’t expect the physical response, the shaking, permanent anxiety, raised heart rate.
We have no children so I am on my own (our dog died 3 weeks beore my husband so I have lost my whle family). I wander the house, can’t stop crying and can’t see how to carry on without him, although I know I must.

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Hi JuliaB
My thoughts are with you
I lost my partner mark and know how you feel we too didn’t have children and to be on your own is quite scary I just tend to sit and stare at the 4 walls thinking of Mark and how my life is gonna be without him we did everything together and now like you can’t seem to carry on I hope we all get through this difficult time In out life’s but as people say it will take time
Take care

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I have only just started moving a few things, his walking boots are still my the door and his glasses case is where he left it. I have managed to put his tooth brush away, but most stuff is exactly where he left it. Breaks my heart

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I haven’t even managed that everytime I open the wardrobe and see his clothes I break down don’t think I could ever get rid of them

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My husband retired last year, we had been really looking forward to things we had planned to do. But a few months after retiring he died last November just 2 weeks before our 44th wedding anniversary.We have three daughters and while they have been very supportive they have their own lives. It’s been 6 months since he went and I still find it difficult without him, I’m sure that will always be the case. What I try to do is face each day as he would want me to. I have decided to sell my house as although we hadn’t lived here that long, being here without him I know I cannot do. That has caused some confusion amongst my family as they seem to think that I have happy memories of living here with him. But that’s why I want to sell. But I’m finding that in general some days are better than others. Like others on this site have commented I try to keep busy, and like all of you we have been thrust into this situation and there’s no escape. I pray that all of you find peace in your lives.

Hi lindylou
I am sorry for your loss…my husband died on the 28th november last year and like you we had planned yo go on a cruise and just enjoy our life now the children had all flown the next. He died after an 8 month battle wuth lung caner (never ever smoked). I too am thinking of selling our home as we had only lived her for 4 years and our other home of 20 years held so many memories. I believe that you carry your memories in your heart and they will go with you wherever you may go. I find the evenings the worst as like you say the children have their own lives and I don’t want to put in them but my life is so different now and I can only take one day at a time. I don’t know what the future holds but I do know the 38 years we had together I will cherish and remember them with all my heart. My husband was only 64 when he died and myself a widow at 57 which is not the way we had planned we thought we would grow into old age together but it was not to be. I know how much you miss your husband as i do and pray you will find the strength to face the days ahead. Take care x

Thank you for your kind words. I wanted to reply because as you said the evenings are the worst, I totally agree. Although the longer days are helping. Take care and look after yourself.

I lost my husband unexpectedly as well he went to work fit and healthy then suffered a fatal heart attack that afternoon.i found out from the police turning up at my door when I got in from work. It was the biggest shock of my life and find it so hard to except . Everything is still where he left it as I find it hard to move anything . I don’t know how I have managed to get by as I miss him so much my heart hurts . We had been together for 44 years since we were teenagers. It’s now 9 months but it still only seems like yesterday . I can relate to everything other people say on here . thinking of you all at these difficult times X

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