Broken - lost my mum 1 week ago

A week ago yesterday my mum died quite suddenly. I did cpr but couldnt bring her back and the terror of that time is replaying over and over in my head. There are so many things to be thankful for but right now, thankful, grateful, blessed have been said, those words confuse me and dont compute. I moved mum in with us in 2019 as she was diagnosed with vascular dementia & mitral regurgitation ( leaking hear valve). I was her primary carer aswell as working full time but from home. On Jully 22nd 2019, she was given around 6 months to live, with a slim chance of making it to my youngest daughters wedding May 2020. Covid hit & Hannahs wedding was cancelled, 3 times, finally getting married on 27th November 2021. Despite our sadness & concern, mum made it to the wedding. In her time, mum had loved cruising. She said she would have loved to have done one last cruise ! I took her on Iona in January 2022, had a lovely 2 weeks. Me, mum and her friend. I was twrrified, hadnt been on a cruise and wouldnt choose a cruise, I went though. My cousin & her husband were supposed to be with us but Frank tested positive at the port and wasnt able to sail. In May, I took mum to Scarborough for the weekend, it had been 50 years since she’d been there. I took my 2 daughters aswell. We had a really great weekend however saturday night mum fell in the hotel room and broke her femur. Id told her to not do anything while I nipped the loo. She tried to get undressed herself, dropped her bra then tried to move over to the chair, caught her foot in her bra & cayapulted across. She banged her face also, 2 black eyes & a bust nose ! They had to operate and told us she may not survive the op. Family came to see her just in case, her brother and my cousin who was like a second daughter to her. She survived but was in hospital for 2 months, I stayed there with her. Itd been tough bringing her back home as her bedroom was upstairs. She already had rheumatoid arthritis and already struggled with the stairs. My stairs were too steep & too marrow for a stair list so I had an additional banister fitted. Mum spent alot of time in her room, she had a hospital bed as shed developed bed sores. But s
We sorted a voice contro but tv on the wall ( she has macular degeneration also and was nearly blind) and and echo dot for her to make calls. She used to call it Elvira and complain when it didnt work lol. We wrote ALEXA on a little blackboard. I also got a Meta Portal so she could dace time people and people could face time her. She had a one cup kettle, it was inportant to give her at least some independance, shed always been 100 mile an hour and in control before. In October last year she talked about possibly another cruise, so we went into Tui and found a brilliant deal which enabled me, mum and my 2 daughters to go. So on 18th Feb just a few short weeks ago, we went on 14 night cruise to Canaries on Iona again. We had a fabulous 2 weeks, mum really pushed herself to cram in as much as possible and she ate better than she had in years ! Mum was Coeliac but the ship had so much choice. On the day of return, mum had us get off the ship an hour earlier than scheduled. The schedule was to enBle cases to be ready on disembarkation. Never the less the cases were ready. Eventually we started our Journey home from Southampton to St Helens, we’d driven down the night before we were sailing and stayed at a hotel in Southampton, the car was parked there for the fortnight. We dropped my youngest off first in Bolton, then my eldest who also lives in St Helens, then started our final journey back home. We got in at 5.55pm and mum needed the loo. We came into the house and she made her way carefully through the house to the stairs, she had 2 zimmers, one for use downstairs and a smaller one upstairs but she was insistant she didnt want the downstairs zimmer. She called through to my husband who was in the conservatory…Hiya pet, have you missed me? He replied aye pet I have. Mum started upstairs slowly, good leg first and one step at a time with me behond her, like we always did. Mum was breathless at the top, again as usual but she gets her breath back after a rest. She went into the loo and I got her zimmer and took it to her. I got her pyjamas out to get her settled back into bed with Vera on tv. She loved Vera. Mum appeared at the door with her zimmer, still breathless, I said come on get sat on the bed and rest, calm down and settle before I put her jarmas on. I was suddenly desperate for the loo. I said right give me 2 seconds, dont do anything, with that, I ran into the loo. She called my name and I realise it seemed strained, I souted back ‘2 seconds mum’ and rushed to get into her. She was clutching her chest and her jaw closed stiff, her face screwed up. I put my arm round her and tried to give her her inhaler, she ket out a short groan, like an ‘oh bloody hell thats typical’ and her mouth fell open. I still had her in my arms but I squirted the inhaler in her mouth. I suddenly realised her back where my arm was wasnt moving up and down, she wasnt breathing. In a state of panic I lay her back, pulled the pillows out and threw her legs up, started cpr on auro pilot. I shouted my husband hysterically to call 999. I was desperatly doing chest conpressions and mouth to mouth, screaming out the numbers as I counted. 999 told my husband to go get the defib from the local church while we wait for ambulance. As he went out of the front door both my neighbours either side arrived home. Malcolm frantically told them and one said theyd go for the defib while the other came into me to take over. I was still s reaming out the numbers as I pressed. As Billy took over me the ambulance arrived. Seemed like hours but it was only about 6 minutes. They came in and worked another hour. Somehow inbetween all this Id rung my eldest daughter, her best friend was there at hers. I asked her to put him on and then asked him to get her here as mum had stopped breathing. She rang my other daughter who got in a cab, and rang my brother and my cousin who went and got mums brother. Suddenly, everyone was here, the paramedic came down and told us sadly there was no response from anything they tried. Me, my brother and mums brother were with her as they stooped the lucas machine. She was gone.

I know she actually died in my arms, my name was the last thing she said and she breather her last breath back into me as I was doing mouth to mouth. For all I keep reliving the sheer panic, everythings a blur. For all we’d often talked about the fact that we were on borrowed time with mum, it was such a shock.

The house is quiet and empty, my days blur in together, I feel Im neglecting her as Im not doing her tablets and meals or seeing to her needs. Im lost

There are so many things though, coincidences and feelings which make me feel like shes close to me, things we think of that happend on the cruise, things she did or said, that make us think she knew and was preparing. She always said she wanted to go at home in her bed and quick. Which is exactly what happend.

Im numb one monute, then in panic, terror at the realisation, crying then calm. My head is full of ‘what if’

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Dear @Jules-1966

I am sorry to hear of the loss of your mum. I do hope you will find the Community to be of support and comfort to you.

When a loved one passes our head does play scenarios and what if’s. This is normal. You did everything you could possibly do that was in your control and what was right at the time. I would take comfort in that and also that your mum got what she wanted and passed away at home and that you were with her. She was not alone.

It might be useful for you if you have not done so already to book an appointment with your doctor to let them know how you are feeling and that you are recently bereaved and see what support they can offer you.

I would like to share a few resources with you by Sue Ryder which will be of support and help to you in the meantime.

  • The self-help platform which has information, resources and advice to help you through your grief Grief Guide
  • Grief Coach text service, which sends you personalised text support via SMS. This service is also useful for family and friends
  • Information on the Stages of Grief
  • Our Bereavement Information pages which can walk you through what you are going through
  • There is also a blog on Losing a Parent which may be of help and support to you.

You can connect with members who have been in a similar situation as yourself by using the search bar above. You are not alone, we understand what you are going through.

Please continue to reach out at any time, we are all here for you.

Take care.

Pepsi

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Hi @Jules-1966
I read every single word and felt your love and sincerity for your dear Mum. My goodness, you certainly fulfilled her every last wish and gave her some wonderful memories to go to her next resting place with ease and peace.

As a daughter you could not have done more.

My heartfelt condolences to you all. I lost my dear Dad on October 1st 2022 and i will miss and love him forever.
You take care
Xxx

2 Likes

Wow, what an amazing life you gave your mum since moving in with you and all those precious memories and experiences you shared.
It sounds like you fulfilled all her wishes and from your post you did everything you could to save her.
As she lived with you memories will be all around you, i privided daily care for my mum in her own home and filling the time was awful and finding a new way of life and routine filled me with guilt. Normally, i wouldnt stay out late as i would go and put her to bed give her, her medication and then you look at the time and it hits you or you go to phone her and you cant.
I think she was so lucky to have you or now i think i was lucky to have her! A bond with a mum is like no other and i never think we truly appreciate that untill we dont have them anymore.
Sending you hugs take it each day as it comes

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@Jules-1966 so sorry for your loss. You did so much for your dear mum, right up until the end. You couldn’t have done more and you gave her such quality of life.

I too lost my mum suddenly in October 22. She was already gone when I found her in her room on that morning, so no cpr. That image will be with me forever.
Mum was living with us on and off since lockdown. I was also caring for her and she was part of our family life.
I too felt lost in the weeks afterwards as I was used to her being there and doing so much for her. Her passing has left a huge void in my life. The house is still so empty.

I hope you find comfort here, it’s been a great help to me. Reach out whenever you need to.
Sending love and strength.x