I’m 19 weeks into my awful journey .
Today is a bad dark day for me I am feeling so lost, pained and alone. My Rob was a big chap and I felt so safe and secure when he was here ,I didn’t have to be beside him but just knowing he was around and contactable I felt ok . Now he’s none of those things I feel so alone ,vulnerable , and scared. I do manage to put a brave face in for the kids whenever they visit but deep down I hate my life at the moment and just the thought if the kids and grandkids keeps me going .
Yesterday I was having a fairly good day keeping busy but last night I had a dream about my Rob and it’s set me right back , my dream was of him being with another woman and I can’t explain it. He was never like that and couldn’t tolerate men or women who had affairs or relationships when they were still in one .
I’m just feeling down today and lost my strength ,I had so many plans for this week as I’m on leave from work and it’s all gone to pot
Although I haven’t lost my partner, but my parents, I’ve had moments after losing my mum where I felt similar to this. I still do, if I’m being honest. But knowing how it feels to lose someone so so important and loved is what I try and focus on, knowing I wouldn’t want my children to feel how I feel if I wasn’t here.
Even though my children are still young and need me a lot, I often feel like I hate my life. I hate that I’m trying to raise children without the support of any parents, that my children don’t have that special relationship anymore that they would only get from my mum and dad, that everyone I know still has parents and have absolutely no idea how hard it is every single day to not have that special person there, just to be there to speak to or whatever.
I can’t offer any practical advice but I can relate to a degree on how you feel and I empathise completely x
I hope you are okay… I feel almost like I can’t go on .
Please don’t feel that you are alone . It’s dark days for everyone…and then we have a bereavement too .