Hi everyone
I’ve posted a few times on here and PM’d a couple of you. You all seem very supportive of each other and it has been helpful to know I’m not alone in what I’m going through. However, today has been a really tough day. Don’t really know why today seems tougher. All I know is I really really can’t live each day without my husband. We were so happy. He was my everything. His family don’t even reach out to me. He told me every day how much he loved me and how I made him happier than he’s ever been. And he made me so happy and feel so loved. I can’t get out of my head that if I did one little thing differently he’d still be here. There is no way I can live without him. I’m in hell and I want out now. Xxx
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My husband died at the age of 50 - he went out for a run and collapsed. I know how difficult it is in the first few months and I understand everything you describe. Sometimes it is just taking it breath by breath. Do you have people that you can talk to? Have you tried counselling - you can sign up here or with Cruse - or spoken to your GP? Please try to keep putting one foot in front of the other and messaging / posting here. I am 6 months in now and it does change slightly - life will never be the same but try to reach out to people to support you. Feel free to PM me if you want to. Take care
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Hi @JenW
I’m sorry to hear about your husband. I’m hearing how painful this is all feeling and I want you to know that you’re not alone. There’s always someone out there to help you through this.
Whenever you feel these thoughts of wanting everything to end get too much, you can reach out to one of the following organisations who are always just a call or text away anytime you would like someone to talk to:
- Samaritans are available 24/7 to talk about anything that you are worried about in confidence. You can call them on 116 123.
- Shout are contactable by text, 24/7. You can text SHOUT to 85258 and talk to them about anything.
- You can also find your local NHS urgent mental health helpline .
- If you have any concerns for your health or safety, call 999 or go to your nearest A&E.
If you’re interested in counselling, we offer free sessions at Sue Ryder. You can also make an appointment with your GP and ask to be referred to counselling or other support services in your area.
You deserve this support JenW, so please keep reaching out.
Take care,
Mick
Online Community team
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@JenW hi jen I am so very sorry for the loss of your husbend I lost my soulmate in April to cardiac arrest so I can relate to your pain I know everyday is hard and some days are even harder and the emptiness and loneliness is always there no matter what but please keep on going I have been where you are not wanting to be here and I still get days where I feel like that but I keep going for my love because she would want me too and for our pets you are not alone there is always someone on here to talk to and this community is so caring and we really do try to help eachother and always support eachother keep posting and talking on here it does help a little talking to people who understand I’m often around if you want to chat have you considered grief counselling it may help a little please stay safe and take care sending hugs x
Hi jen I’m so sorry to hear about your husband life is so cruel sometimes 
I lost my mum in July and I know I’m struggling every day, try to reach out to counselling either on here or with cruse I’m waiting to start sessions with them within the next couple of weeks, talk to your gp I spoke to mine and they told me that if I still felt low after counselling to get back to them because it could be depression, keep messaging on here too there is always someone to chat with
Take care
Lynn x
Thank you everyone for your replies and messages. It really does help to know that there are people who understand. The problem I have is that I can’t help feeling to blame. If I just did one thing differently he’d be here. My husband was on medication that we later found out made the vaccine less effective. Apparently there was a study done on this medication some months back and the data came back that all patients on this medication had poor immune responses to the vaccine. It was a relatively recent study none the less they had known this for some months and never told us. If anise were told that he should get the vaccine and that it would only be an issue if it was a live vaccine, which the Covid vaccine is not. When my husband tested positive we weren’t that concerned because we figured he’d had his vaccines and antibodies would be at work. We were more concerned about me getting it as we thought I was the vulnerable one as I was having cancer treatment. So we isolated from each other . He moved into the spare room. The first few days he didn’t seem to bad. We joked about how awful it was having to sleep in separate beds for 10 days ( we have never slept apart from each other for that long in our whole relationship). He even continued to work from his laptop. After a few days he said he didn’t feel so well and felt really tired so I told him off for even trot work from home and sent him to bed. Again from stories we heard this seemed all quite normal and to be expected. I phoned 111 basically for advice as he was still getting fevers. At this point he didn’t seem breathless at all. They had a duty doctor phone and just suggested alternating paracetamol and ibuprofen. The problem was that because we were keeping our distance from each other and I was communicating through the mobile phone and bringing him up drinks and food I don’t feel like I was looking after him properly. If I was lying next to him I would have heard every breath and would have had a better idea on what was going on. Anyway a couple more days go by and he was on the phone to his brother and he sounded so breathless. I called 111 and they sent an ambulance. The paramedics did their checks and said is
Oxygen was a little low. They like it to be above 94 and his was 93. They then got him to stand up and sit down a few times to see what his oxygen levels did on exertion. They dropped to 88 and was told he need to go into hospital for a few days oxygen therapy. It was then when everything seemed to go down hill. The was no record on his medical records that he was even in that medication. I called his nurse to see what that was. She wasn’t sure about that but that’s when she “ confessed “ to me that they now know patients on that medication didn’t respond to the vaccine. And it continued to go down hill as his treatment on the ward was awful. Too many details to go through now. If I just wasn’t so selfish and didn’t keep my distance I would have known to phone sooner. I keep thinking if I got him in a day earlier. Got him steroids sooner he’d still be here. He took such good care of me when I was going through all my cancer treatment and now it was my turn to look after him and I let him down.
I had the best husband and friend and lover in the world and I didn’t do enough to save him. And this is my punishment.
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The last sentence that you wrote I have said to myself and others time and time again. I gave my husband COVID last year (fact - I got it through my job, hadn’t been anywhere else and he hadn’t left the house). I isolated in a room and he left my food outside the door. Later, he tested positive and had various issues due to his asthma. There are too many details but he had steroids etc and, although it took longer, he eventually seemed to have come through it ok. Fastforward 4 months later - he went out for a run, collapsed and died. We still do not know why - Coroner’s office still haven’t released the report. I go through everything in my head. Was it linked to the COVID that I gave him? Was there something else I could have done? I would have given up my job if I thought for a minute that it would take away our futures. It could be something completely different. The Coroner’s report could alleviate me of the possible guilt but they don’t seem to care that the length of time is torture. What I do know, and friends have told me, is that whatever it turns out to be, it can’t be altered now. I am where I am and I have to deal with it. I apologised to my husband for giving him COVID (after I thought we’d had a lucky escape) and he said that the only way it could have been avoided is if he had moved out for the entire time I was going into work. He said that it was his choice not to do that. If it turns out that it was something else, moving out would have meant that we would have lost our last few months together. I guess what I’m saying is, I know all about feeling guilty and feeling like I am being punished for something that I did / didn’t do but it won’t change anything. It won’t bring him back and I have to try to live that. He didn’t blame me at the time and he wouldn’t want me to torture myself forever. I know it’s easier said than done but, if only for the sake of my kids, I have to try to get past the guilt and so do you. Take care
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Thank you and I know your words make sense but I can never forgive myself. Don’t get me wrong I think a lot of people made a lot of mistakes but I should have spotted the problems sooner and acted sooner. I just can’t get out of my head that if I called sooner and got him steroids sooner he’d be here. I’m usually on the ball with things like this. I don’t understand why I did do more, why I wasn’t more pushy or proactive. Xx
I know and I understand. I spent a lot of time questioning why I hadn’t noticed more / done more. My mum was ill at the time and so I think my mind was full but still I feel I could / should have done more. I feel that I didn’t keep him safe. However, what I can say is that I would have done anything for this not to happen. None of us intentionally did anything wrong - why would we have done? And, whether we forgive ourselves or not, we have to keep going. Some people have told me they believe that when our time is up, it’s up. I don’t know what to believe but all that blame does is make us feel worse. I can’t ‘switch the blame off’ completely but, as time goes on, all I can do is know that it can’t and won’t make any difference to what has happened.
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Hi, guilt seems to go hand in hand with grief, I don’t know why but I was told because your in such pain & cant comprehend what has happened you turn against yourself (guilt) because you can understand that & your mind can deal with that.
Reading your story with or without the vaccine he got covid along with thousands of others, you making that call earlier may have made no difference to the outcome, steroids may have had no effect, if your husband had begun to feel really unwell he would have asked you to call an ambulance but he didn’t as he probably didn’t feel it was warranted.
Keeping yourself in separate rooms is what every loving couple would do.
I can’t see any reasons in your actions for you to feel any guilt, but you won’t see that now but you will in time, guilt lifts in time & you will appreciate all the things you did for your husband & feel his love for the wife that you were to him.
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Hi jenw yea I can relate to absolutely everything you say I had those dark horrible thoughts last week
I wanted out anyway to take my body out this pain this sacredness sadness loneliness just everything was getting to much for me.Ive reached out said how I’m feeling
But like yourself my husband said I made him happy every day and so did I always tell him that.
We had our life set planned so much love 
now he has gone.
Much love
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It doesn’t seem fair. All we wanted was to love each other and grow old together. We weren’t materialistic. Just wanted to be together and watch the grandchildren grow. Xxxx
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Exactly the same as myself and my husband but we have been totally robbed of all these precious times
He was being treated for COPD while it was advanced lung cancer we hadn’t got time to process this awful news then he died
It’s been 4 months now since I last saw him spoke with him reassured him cuddled him. Now this life without him is unbearable 
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I feel the same. Life is in unbearable and seems pointless. I just wish I could kiss and cuddle my husband again. Xx
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My husband was also out running when he suddenly collapsed, a significant stroke. He sadly passed the next morning, one doctor said a healthy fit man. Why??? That was 1 year and 2 weeks ago, and I still find it so hard to go on, he was my world, my every thing. When I look at his photo, it still takes my breath away, we were married 54 very happy and fun fillied years. I miss him so much. I have a very loving supportive family, I must go on for our son and daughter and grandchildren, they are also grieving, the tears do get less, but never cease, as grieving Beverly stops, just like my love for him , it will go on eternally,
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My husband was just up the road from our house when he collapsed - on his way home, just 2 minutes more and he would have been back with us. We still don’t know why. We had so much planned to do together as we moved towards retirement. Life is cruel.
Yes life is cruel, but keep your chin up, hopefully you can build a different way of life, I am trying to live without my soulmate, it’s hard. God bless.
Well I would say this to you having lost your hubby and knowing how you feel about losing him….think about your family and how they will feel if they lost you too.
I lost my husband in 2011 to cancer and we had been together 36 years married for 35 and had 4 children. The loss is the same for us all and at the time you think you may never get over it but you do. Life is never the same but try and keep busy instead of sitting at home looking back at what you have lost. It is extremely hard to carry on but I could not just give up. It does take a while to readjust to a different way of life. You will most certainly miss the chats and doing things together the cuddles ( i miss the most) nobody can replace what you had together but there is a life ahead of you….its just a different path to the one you planned! Sending you lots of hugs and much love 
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Thank you for your reply, I know it is getting easier , but some days are so hard.
I don’t sit and mope, I go out with friends and family, I have also stared a private support group, we take turns visiting each other’s house every tree weeks, we all know each other and in differing times of bereavement, 21, 5 and two of us are just 1 year. We are great support for each other. Bless you for your good advice, hope all is well with you.xx💐
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Hi Jen reading your post was like reading my own . I totally understand how you are feeling and feel exactly the same myself. My Rob told me everyday he loved me and I told him too In return.
He really was my world and was taken so suddenly with no warning at the age of 56 we had been together 34 years and married for 33 years .The day he was taken rocked and shattered my world and I hate this lonely journey, but like you have said there is a huge amount of comfort and support on here from others who understand the feelings and emotions . Keep talking it’s so important take care Karen x
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