My husband died 3 weeks ago and I am unable to grieve! I cried a lot when he got diagnosed with terminal cancer but leading up to the funeral and after nothing! I just feel numb! I’m waiting to be hit by grief!
We were together 25 yrs! We have two teenagers! What the hell is going on? Anyone else felt this way?
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Kassie, You are probably still in shock, Also because of your two teenagers you are probably subconsciously suppressing your feelings. It looks like you have done all the administration necessary and the funeral. My best experience was just after the wake it was with my wife’s oldest friend they had known each other since they were 5. She had lost her husband some years ago, Because how well she knew Elizabeth and understanding the loss she was very good to talk with, reminiscing about Elizabeth, It was also ok show my feelings, she was good for me, at a time when I needed it. It really helped me. Since then I have found that going to the bereavement cafe in our village and together with using this site, helpful.
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I was numb for 4 months till it really hit. But, I still go up and down w/ kind of feeling detached from it and then the reality setting in. It’s your mind trying to protect you.
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@Kassie , so sorry for your loss. It’s just coming up to seven months since my wife died - also from terminal cancer.
No one would say I was an overly emotional person but, during that time, I’ve had tears, screaming fits, anger, sadness, emptiness, hopelessness, numbness, and (very, very briefly) joy at the thirty years we had together. Pain tends to be ever present. Sometimes these moods last for days, others for just seconds.
I can only speak for my own experience but I think grief presents itself in different ways and times - so maybe your numbness is just how your grief is manifesting itself at the moment. I wouldn’t get hung up on or worried by what is ‘normal’ or expected. Nothing feels normal anymore.
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Hi Kassie
As others have said, you are still numb and in shock and may well stay that way for months. And you are being strong and responsible for your teenagers.
My advice would be get as much done as you can during this period, because I’m afraid it probably won’t last.
Even though anticipatory grief may seem likely to cushion things, I’m not convinced it really does. So, sadly, you probably will be hit by grief, but it’s unpredictable when, or what might trigger it. There comes a point when your mind starts to lower the protective shield it has thrown up around you. Then you get to stare into the future and see the permanence of your situation and it can open the floodgates. Sadly it often happens just when support from people around you has drifted away. I think it’s also a point that confuses other people (who haven’t experienced the loss of a partner) the most as they’ve got used to the strong person and saying “You’re coping really well”.
Just go with the flow, be gentle with yourself, don’t have expectations.
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Do not worry, you will remain numb for quite a while. It is normal. It must be a protective thing that kicks in because we can not cope with the loss all at once.
Also, you have grieved since the diagnosis of your husband’s cancer. Anticipatory grief is very real and wears you down to the nub. I know, I spent 3 years never knowing if this would be “the day”. Then, it was and I am still numb.
I haven’t cried but twice since my husband’s funeral 45 weeks ago. Part of me died when we got the terminal diagnosis, 3 years before his death, knowing there was nothing that could be done. The other parts died when I found him dead on the floor of our bedroom.
I would like to say this will pass, but the numbness stays a long time. You will just learn to function while numb.
Pay the bills, eat nutritious food and rest. Your mind, body and soul have just gone through a traumatic experience and honestly, it feels like PTSD.
It is miserable but the fog will get less dense and you will have spurts where you feel great, then back to the bottomless pit of all that comes with widowhood. There will be more okay days than bad, just not yet.
Love