Can’t stop the guilt !

Lost mum suddenly on 4/01/2020 following a fall in which she sustained a massive brain bleed on 29/12/2019. She was found by a neighbour outside her house and had also suffered a small heart attack. No ones knows if this caused the fall or the fall and being out in the cold caused the heart attack. I was away at the time after leaving on Boxing Day but managed to get home mega quick . I knew she wasn’t 100% when we left and dad was in a care home so made sure she had friends and neighbours keeping an eye on her. She battled for a week with me by her side in hospital but lost her fight. Sadly dad didnt take losing her well and literally didn’t leave his bed from the day after she died and we lost him 6 weeks later. So my guilt? I keep thinking if I’d not gone away she wouldn’t have fallen and been left outside alone for so long. Following that if she hadn’t died then dad would also be ok as I’m convinced he just died of a broken heart after being together almost 70 years. I know I’m crazy as even if I’d been home the outcome would have possibly been the same but I really just cannot get past that awful feeling of it all being my fault. I cared for both parents for such a long time life just seems so empty without them both.

Hi. LL. Guilt can be very depleting and an ongoing condition unless we can apply reason. Nothing in this world can be foreseen. I could walk out of here and get run over by a bus. I am not talking about fatalism. That’s letting things go even if dangerous. But guilt is a bad emotion because it causes so much unnecessary pain. We all do our best. It’s what we should do and most of us do. We can plan away and then expect everything to fall into place, then wham!!! along comes something that throws our plans into disarray. Yes, guilt is an awful feeling, but blaming yourself can cause fatigue and sadness. It can become a habit so pinch it in the bud.
If they put on my tombstone ‘He did his best’ that will do for me.
How were you to know you mum would go out? Yes, the outcome would have been the same. You were not a 24/7 carer so no blame can be attached to you. You were by her side when she passed and that was a comfort for you both.
Try not to feel guilty. ‘What will be will be’. None of us know what fate has in store, and we have very little control over events. I think we have all found that one out.
Take care, and above all, be kind to yourself. Blessings. John.

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LoopyLoo,
I was a long term carer for my Mum and also my Dad. (23 years in total.) It’s impossible to be present and with them every second of the day. If the position was reversed, they would not have been able to be with us every moment.
I certainly understand your comment about feeling empty without them. I am missing both of my parents so very much. I am finding it a stuggle, not helped by this pandemic. It terribly painful at the moment, but as time passes it should get easier. It will get better with time.
Take care.

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Hi LoopyLoo,
Sorry to hear about your losses. I know it’s difficult, but try not to blame yourself. Like you said, even if you were there this still could’ve possibly happened. Also, think about your parents, would they want you to blame yourself and feel guilty? Probably not. Just know that they’re both reunited and watching over you. Be kind to yourself, and don’t blame yourself.

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LoopyLoo,
It is quite common to feel such guilt when our loved ones die, I have been there too, my husband passed away in August last year, I felt guilty because I had left him alone, whilst I had gone to ask a medically trained friend/neighbour to come and take a look at him. As I have calmed down, I realised that he had waited until I was out of the room (it was less than 5 mina) He had died when I came back.
I understand that the circumstances of our bereavements are completely different, but our grief is the same.
I am sure that your parents would not want you to be so guilty,
Blessings,
MaryL x