Can you do it alone

Before when my world was complete my Rob and I used to go dancing whenever possible. We are both nurses so work and shifts got in the way at times but we both knew that was the nature of our jobs so we just got on with it . When we were both off we would go northern soul dancing at the week ends and sometimes we would go on soul week ends away.
I wonder if after this dreadful covid situation we are all in if I will be able to return to the northern soul scene.
I suppose the first thing I need to do is overcome the discomfort of going alone and walking in alone .
I sit and think fondly about the places and venues we have been to and wonder will I be able to go back again I suppose only time will tell.
I am an only child and I can honestly say I have NEVER felt so lonely in my entire life before

Kazzer I am so sorry for you feeling so lonely. There is always someone here to comfort you. I understand about wondering if you will ever go to familiar places again. I feel the same after 15 weeks of being alone. I have no near family and no transport so I too feel very much on my own. I don’t think I could ever go back to the lovely places we used to go for a peaceful weekend. I think I would keep looking for him. How do we get through this as it all feels so sad and lockdown and dark nights don’t help. Please keep posting Kazzer.

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I had the same fear when I faced my first New Year’s Eve and first birthday (same day,) without Alan since my 16th birthday. It was 7 months after he passed, and I went to the hotel we went to every NY for over 20 years we have met some wonderful friends and they were there to greet me and made sure I was never on my own, but I was on my own, going into the room we shared in all those visits reduced me to uncontrollable crying. I went through the NY break on auto pilot and was holding up until the chimes began, all i could hear were women shouting 'where’s my husband I need to be by my husband ’ with that I fled to the quiet lounge sat and sobbed my heart out. once it was time to leave, I was fine and felt Alan would be proud of me, coming home to our cold empty home brought back the harsh reality, I was carrying out the tasks he would be doing, more tears flowed, and I felt I was back where I was the day he passed, It was a dreadful time for me.

Thought if I changed rooms it may be better, do I switched from a double to a twin, took my mum with me, she really enjoyed herself, it’s coming up for 14 years since she lost my dad, she still misses him. Anyway changing rooms made it worse. come NYE/birthday I knew I could no longer celebrate as Alan and I did, and told the rest of the group that I can’t do it anymore.

Yet, I have been to the hotel with my sister for a tribute weekend, and I could do that, and we enjoyed it I laughed I cried too, but I could do it, Saw Alan stood at the bar then walking towards me carrying our drinks. A sad yet peaceful moment,

I had just started socialising with a few select friends before the covid-19 struck the planet, and booked a cruise, having never been on holiday alone in my life, let alone a cruise, been transferred to end if next year now. Upshot I now have 3 booked, one is with my daughter in March unless cancelled the other two as a solo traveller with a solo travel specialist. I think what I am trying to say is that we find our way in what we can do, whether we can do the things we did together etc, for me, I am doing things differently, including Alan in them too. It is a different life we are now having to live and there are so many things we enjoyed doing together I find difficult. He was a huge Rod Stewart fan and we never missed his concerts when he appeared in our area since our very first one in 1969, last year I booked to go I had to, our daughter came with me, I cried, many times, one one particular song I cried buckets all the way through, this was something Alan truly loved and I had to go for him.

When you’re ready try to go to your soul nights, and see how you feel before my mum became too unsteady she went back to her line dancing events, took her time in going, eventually she began to loom look forward to going. I know the music and dance routines are far apart. We do what makes our loss easier to bear when we are ready to do so. So just take your time, these times are not helping so it is hopeful by the time the venues resume you may feel ready to dip your toe into your different world with your beloved Rob at your side in spirit.

hope today is an improvement on yesterday and tomorrow is an improvement on today

blessings
Jen🦋

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Hi Kazzer
I know just how you feel. My husband loved holidays although I had never bothered until I met him, too many animals to think about. Over thirty years later I feel that I have come to the end of having holidays as I can’t bear the thought of going without Brian as our holidays were mostly walking holidays. I have even let my passport run out, really seems unimportant and really not interested, the thought of being a ‘billy no mates’ does not make me want to go away again. Have tried group walking holidays and we didn’t enjoy them that much.
However we walked in our own area and keen Ramblers and I gave it a go and I did manage to cope with this, although I had been a keen walker before I met Brian so perhaps this helped. I worried about being able to go to the allotment and once again I managed this also, not without many tears though. I can’t bear to listen to Country and Western music now as Brian was in a band fronting it as the singer.
So give your Northern Soul dancing a go if you feel you can, you might surprise yourself, on the other hand it might not be for you yet. So Jen is right, take your time, dip your toes, but don’t force yourself and cause more heartbreak for yourself. Until you try you will never know.
Pat xxx

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Wow Jen what a truly inspirational reply thank you . How wonderful for you at booking these holidays I hope you get to go on them and enjoy them to the full.

thank you, I still have my bad days, these are less than at first, as a good friend, who lost her husband 22 years ago and remarried 17 years ago, told me you have to go through the grief, it never goes away but you learn to live with it as best you can

hope today was an improvement on yesterday and tomorrow is an improvement on today

blessings
Jen🦋

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Learning to do things alone after the death of a partner is really tough, especially doing things that are couples based, but I had to do them just to see how I would cope.
When you overcome the discomfort of doing things alone you will get enormous satisfaction from your achievement but you may be shocked at other people’s reactions. Some of the couple based things that I did alone for the first time alone proved very uncomfortable, more for the couples than for me. I was obviously unwelcome so they will not be repeated. I hadn’t realised before my husband’s death just how threatened people feel by a lone widow.
I am the child free only child of an only child, both parents are dead, I have no family so I get your position. When my husband was dying I resolved that I would not be lonely, just alone and I have stuck to that. There are lots of positives in being alone and you too will learn that in time. In the absence of nurture from others you have to nurture yourself. Good luck with that.

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