Can't cope

I cared for my mum 24/7 for 27 years and in February she was rushed in to hospital with a suspected heart attack, then they thought it was a pulmonary embolism so they gave her some heparin and sent us home for the night (mum hated hospital) we had to go back the following day for a CT scan to see where the clot was. When mum had her scan we went back to wait for the results and as the day went on we were still waiting as others were being discharged. We then had a lead consultant come and speak to us where they told us they had found a large mass on mums lung which would need further investigation, and then within 8 weeks of this news I lost her, the hospital failed her massively with different departments not agreeing to the same treatment, and so things got really really hard for her, she couldn’t breath but no one listened to us and then three days before she died someone did listen and came to see her and within 15 minutes we had an ambulance on the way. Those three days were the hardest in my life or so I thought I never left her side never came home I sat by her bedside willing her to fight hard. On the Thursday night mum was on an EPAP machine and she started fighting it, she was so scared she screaming out I’m dead I’m dead help I’m dead and I laid across her bed so she could feel me and I said it’s ok mum I wouldn’t be here if you were dead you’re ok, and then started singing to her to calm her down. Lots happened in the remaining two days that I didn’t agree with and have made it clear to the hospital I don’t think they treated mum fairly which we are waiting for a response from after their investigation. But mum passed with me, and my twins and her adopted grandaughter all by her side on the Saturday evening. But from that moment on is where it got unbearable, I feel like I can’t breath anymore it hurts so much, we were always together and I am struggling to even go shopping without her I sobbed in Tesco last week because I couldn’t cope. I have an amazing support network of friends and some family but mum not being here, I just can’t get get my head around how I’m supposed to carry on, my confidence has gone totally since she went and my son if trying so hard to help get that back, someone please tell me this does get easier please.

Dear Tash

What a terrible experience you have had, I’m very sorry about everything that’s happened to your mum, you and your family. You ask will you ever get your confidence back, but right now I imagine that is the last thing you will feel. Each minute of the day is probably crowded with memories and anguish at your mum’s treatment and her passing.

Your care and love for your mum, and her love for you has been the lynchpin of both your lives, you kept going for her, and now it must feel as if you’ve lost everything. But although it must feel like this take heart from the love of your own family, your children, and good friends.

You are in pain right now, so don’t try to be anything except you. Grieve fully, and this comes in so many unexpected ways as people on here will tell you. Above all Tash, reach out for help, whether its with your GP or phoning the Samaritans - phone number 116123 - for someone to talk to, or in due course,

Please keep writing here, there is a thread ‘losing a parent’ where you can read other people’s experiences and perhaps find help and support. Let us know how you get on. We are all thinking of you.