Can't cope

I lost my husband ten days ago and I can’t cope with the hassle off his family and the thoughts of am I doing the right thing is this what he would have wanted

I am so sorry you are suffering your loss and suffering because of his family. I totally understand. I lost my husband 9 weeks ago and his family seemed to turn on me in as much as they seemed to want to take back possession of him. Only the day before the funeral there was a big row about the service. I was told it wasn’t all about me. I couldn’t believe how callous they could be. He was my husband, I knew him better than any other living person, just as he knew me. I was being treated like I didn’t matter and I knew if Gerald could have heard how they were treating me he would have gone mad. If you believe what you are doing is right, then it is right. Ignore whatever anyone else try’s to tell you. Thank them for their thoughts but stick to what you believe in. They will have absolutely no idea or understanding of how you are feeling. A good friend could see very early on that there was a chance I would be bullied and she was right. ‘Don’t be bullied’ she said and I took her advice. If people do not like what you’re doing then it’s their problem not yours. You are in such a vulnerable and raw emotional state, look after you don’t worry about anyone else.
Be strong and keep posting. We are all in a place we don’t want to be but we have each other. Best wishes x

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Thank you can’t believe how some people can be I was with him round the clock from Monday morning till he passed Thursday evening I had the chance to ask what he wanted and I’ll do that and I’ve had a massive argument with his dad and told him where to go I might be 35 but I’m not stupid and that’s how they are treating me and Chris knew I would stand up to them and its not easy to stay strong but you have to as got things to do they don’t get that they think everything is instant and its not and I can’t make them see that and I’m sorry for your loss to best wishes xx

Your husband knew you are stronger than you probably think. Stick to your guns. If you know what he wanted then it’s the last thing you can do for him, to carry out his wishes. You should feel no guilt, don’t allow anyone to make you feel guilty. Stay strong. xx

Hi, so sorry for your loss and I can certainly relate to your problem with family as I can with Daphne also. My husbands family have totally turned their backs on me and I have no idea why they would do this, we always got on well (when they bothered to contact us). He passed away 9 weeks ago with me by his side. I cared for him single handed and asked non of them for help as my husband didn’t wish this. Yet his daughters are treating me like a bad smell. The annoying thing is that if they had bothered to get in touch with him or visited from time to time they might have realised over the past year that he was becoming frail. He didn’t want them with him as he became more ill. He felt that if they couldn’t be bothered to come and see him then he wasn’t going to send for them. He put it in writing that I was to make all decisions regarding his care and afterwards. His funeral was a celebration of his life and quite beautiful (If you can call a funeral that). I have had wonderful feedback about it, except from his girls (they are in their forties though) Ignoring me at the funeral and acting like drama queens. They hadn’t bothered with him for some years although they live locally. Non of his grandchildren turned up although all of my side did. For his sake I have tried to call them, and sent letters offering friendship, love and offered to meet up with them for a chat but with no response. The rest of his family are no better now. It’s seems I’ve fell off the radar now that I’m alone. People are so cruel and I think in the long run we will all be better off for not having these people in our lives, they are now showing their true colours with their lack of support, understanding and love. In a funny way they are making me strong as I am determined to show them that I am no victim and can survive. Take care and stay strong…

Thanks I don’t feel guilty and not bothered if they never speak to me again I don’t need the hassle xx

Hi sorry to hear of your loss and the bad way your being treated its unfair I haven’t really ever got on with his family as I won’t do as I’m told they don’t like that I answer back and if I’ve got something to say I’ll say it they didn’t even come to the wedding so why should they be at the funeral its just attention seeking on their part and I won’t have trouble at his funeral I with this in mind have gone for a direct cremation and then having him delivered home in a special made Liverpool casket as that’s his favorite team I said my goodbyes at his bedside before he passed but wonder if I’m doing the right thing with no service xx

If you are content then you are doing the right thing. You knew him and what he would want. I did go against my husbands wishes as he wanted no speech’s and his cremation was supposed to be just him and me. However I did have him a funeral that gave his family a chance to grieve, yet they are acting like spoiled brats and apparently didn’t like it because they wasn’t mentioned in the service. We didn’t have the time and it was about him not them. They hadn’t seen him for a couple of years anyway. Non of his grandchildren on his daughters side turned up, why waste time on them. I had his ashes put with his grandparents and invited daughters but they ignored me and didn’t turn up. No we are better off without these selfish people. So you do what you feel is right and if they won’t talk things over with you sensible then forget them as I am going to do.

Totally agree with you there just selfish and there’s no room for that I know things should be put to one side for things like this but what can you do when they won’t I’ve put everything in place and don’t feel bad about any of it XXX

I have two lovely dogs that I would much rather have with me than his selfish daughters and most of his family for that matter. I get unconditional love and gratitude from them. You really see peoples true colours at a time like this. His daughters started their ‘play acting’ at the funeral. How sick is that.

That’s just so wrong I got told by his step dad that I’m evil heartless and that I was the one that caused my husbands death I not so politely told him where to go he said I’m stopping them from paying their respects I said you had the chance when he was dying in hospital if you didn’t take it that’s your fault not mine they also said I’d better cancel the direct cremation so they can all be there I said no I won’t I’m paying so I’ll carry out Chris’s wishes to which I got back his dad had offered to pay damn right lie I just don’t need it and Chris wouldn’t want all the falling out what is wrong with people when they can’t have their own way I’m happy to never speak to them again xx

Morning, I know how it feels dealing with the in-laws. I thought Gerald’s daughter would be supportive but I haven’t seen her for 4 weeks. We seemed very close when her dad was alive but I think she just used me so that her dad could do work on her house and give her money. She didn’t get her own way at the funeral either, wanting to do a tribute that dragged up the past by the fact she had nothing to do with him for 6 years. Her choice not my husband’s. it was all about her and it was so inappropriate. Even the vicar commented that so much of it was not suitable. Seems she wanted to take over and I wouldn’t let that happen. Gerald would be so disappointed that she’s kept her distance. Still, what use am I to her now. I can’t do the jobs her dad could do and I have a limited income. She earns more than me. I’ve decided that friends are the family you want. Although my family have been amazing. They now voice their opinion that she has always been out for what she could get. I’ll get through this without her so I won’t have to be grateful to her.
Let them all get on with it. Think of yourself. Best wishes xx

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Good grief, yours and Mandym stories of such unreasonable families beggars belief. I agree, what is it with families. On reflection I think the problem with my husbands daughters was exactly the same as yours Daphne, they thought they should be more important. Or they expected to be a beneficiary in his will, hard luck I was the only one. However they never bothered about their father, never helped with his nursing and never gave a second of their time to support me or him. I have written to them, telephoned them, no response. I wish Brian was here to sort them, out, but I doubt he would bother. Probably say “Leave them alone they’l come round when they’re ready.” He had more forgiveness in him than I have though. Your having a much worse time than me as they won’t come near me, so no arguments. I’ve only persevered with them because of their father.I have sent items belonging to my husband to other members of his family and not one word of thanks. I’ve written to other members, New year wishes., no response from any of them. I’ve no doubt his daughters have something to do with this. They have done the same before to their father when we got married but that was 30 years ago for goodness sake. We are better off without these people, we have a life to try and get back.

Hi Mandym, What terrible names for your husbands step dad to call you and at such a time of your intense grief and to say such heartless things about his death, why didn’t you smack him. I think you would have been justified. I also feel like informing Brian’s daughters that I payed for his funeral, I was his wife and I had his written permission to make all decisions. Non of my business I know but I would get rid pf these people out of my life and as you say you don’t need this at the moment and your husband wouldn’t like it. Why do these pounce when were at our most weakest.

Because that’s when there strongest as couldn’t get at us otherwise its our weakness and vulnerability that gives the bully’s strength sadly for them I dished it right back and my husband is cremated in the morning so nothing they can do and then he’s returned home to me where he’ll always be loved its our ability to stay strong at the times when we feel weak that will hurt them more than anything else in this world as they then lose its damn hard but try to stay strong xx

I’m thinking of you today Mandym. Like you I don’t hold back if I’ve got something to say. I just wish now that I could have a few minutes with his daughters and boy would I give them a few home truths. But they’re sensibly keeping their distance. I agree with you it’s not my nature to be weak or at least not to show it and his families hostility, which I have no idea where it’s come from or why is actually making my stubborn side appear. Determined to show them that I have no intention of being a victim, even if I feel like one behind closed doors. However we shouldn’t have to stay strong at a time like this. We should be allowed a bit of weakness now of all times. I honestly thought I would get their support, how wrong can you be. Take care.

There selfish and one day they’ll realise that what they did was wrong but by then it will be to late that’s their fault but that’s when we get the chance to laugh at them and their stupidity and not be there for them and well be justified I said all I wanted to to his family by text so I didn’t get into any trouble and there’s times I don’t want to do anything I’m tired from putting on a brave face around everyone when all I feel is like my heart is broken and the one person I can truly talk to and I’d want to share it with is the one whose gone xxx

I feel exactly the same as you. I too am tired of worrying about his family. No more. A final letter is going to them soon, Stating that I do not intend contacting them again. I too wish Brian was here to deal with them. I keep asking him to go and sort them out, perhaps he’ll find a way. Of course you don’t want to do anything, you want to grieve in peace for your man.not have to deal with spiteful people. Whatever their feeling for you they should respect your grief.

Yeah unfortunately their not they’ve put all over Facebook that they all attended his funeral this morning and that I didn’t and that I’m garbage and his family are nice genuine people bullshit they didn’t want anything to do with him and I’ve messaged the funeral director to make sure they haven’t gone and done it as I put back I’d like to know how when I had the forms not them its made me so angry but I’ll laugh about it when I calm down as there all angry and getting at me because I’ve done what Chris wanted and told them if they carry on bitching about me I’ll take legal action against them I’m sick of it no wonder my hubby drank so much I would to if they were my family xxx

What lowlife. They shouldn’t be doing this sort of thing at a time like this. I would certainly look into taking legal action to stop this once and for all. It’s easy for me to say I know but you mustn’t sink to their level. Can’t see what putting this sort of thing on facebook is going to do for them. Would anyone really be bothered at their rantings. Can you get it taken off for telling lies. However I don’t use facebook and hearing your story makes me know why. Get rid of these people once and for all…

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