Can't cope

My elderly mum’s funeral was held last Monday. I am staying in her house while I sort out her affairs. She passed away on 29th March.
I am really struggling. My wife wants to know when I am coming home (we live 150 miles way and is getting fed-up) and people keep telling me 'it’s time to move on you were a great son, etc. ’
I can’t stop ruminating. My mum died in her home after two weeks without drinking or eating. I managed to get her home from hospital to die (she had osteomylitis) but never fully regained consciousness. After 12 days she whispered ‘I love you’. At that stage she hadn’t spoken for 10 days. I am haunted by those words. I just want to join her. I feel so guilty.

Pete I’m so very sorry for your loss and your pain. Why do you feel guilty. Is it because you want to join your Mum? I presume that is what you mean. Our mums are so special. So precious. So irreplaceable. I lost mine in 2012 and I love her and miss her every single day. Not least these past few weeks when I know she would be by my side loving, helping, advising and supporting me through the loss of my beautiful husband. We always need our mums I think, regardless of our age. Your mum will never leave you, she loves you unconditionally, you always knew that I’m sure and yet she told you one more time more recently.

You sound like you know you are stalling returning home. I understand you’re probably gaining some comfort by being in your mums home. Do what you need to do and then go home to your wife. Wrap your mum and all that she is around your heart and soul and take her home with you. Throughout your life keep her there and remember always she is there and not in the home you knew as hers. I’m absolutely sure she would choose to be carried within you wherever you go and whatever you do rather than stay in that house with you when your wife wants you home.

Take your mum with you, Pete and get yourself home. Sending love x

Hi Pete

Just wanted to say I feel for you.

Losing your mum is a really hard thing to do but I think it is beautiful how she summoned the strength to say she loved you. It may haunt you now but it may have been worse if you hadn’t been able to hear it? You can slowly move forward knowing her love was there until the end.

Maybe the finality of leaving her home is preventing you going home. Could you leave now knowing you can go back one more time? May make it easier to deal with over time.

I completely agree that you now have to carry your mum’s love in your heart. People die but love is eternal and it must have taken your mum such effort to say those words.

I cherish hearing my mum saying them now. What helps me get through is thinking what would my mum and dad want me to do. They would want me to enjoy all that this planet has to offer before it is my time to pass on my love for one last time.

Take care and let your wife in. She will be very upset with the situation too and you both need to move each other through this difficult time.

Love Ann xx

So sorry for your loss Pete57. Like CW13, I also lost my Mother in 2012. I was extremely close and by her side when she died. My Mom had lung cancer and I watched a strong, funny, youthful woman decline, to where she could not walk, and hardly had enough breath to speak. I want to share with you, that my Mother whispered to me “you were my best friend.” Although her words made me cry, they also brought a sense of peace. I will treasure those words for ever. Our Mom’s left us with the gift of their final words of love.
I too stayed in her home to complete the painful task of cleaning out and getting it sold. Closing that door for the last time was like closing the door on all the wonderful times we shared there. But I now know our tender memories do not end with the closing of a door. A house is not a “home” when the people we love are no longer present. So gather your precious memories, hold on to her loving words, and when you feel strong enough, go back to your wife. Please let us know how you are getting on. Here for you any time.
Take care. Sister2

Thank you for your replies. The circumstances and events of my mums final years haunt me. I have a sister who was stealing from her for drugs and to pay off debts She also stole my mums medicines. She led my mum a miserable life for decades but my mum never gave up on her. We tried so hard to get mum to move near to or in with us but she wouldn’t give up on her daughter.
I have just read my mums old diaries written before rheumatoid arthritis gripped her. In them she recorded the terrible things my sister did - they are heart breaking to read.
I don’t know what answers I am looking for. But this is hell.

Peter57, I can relate to having a toxic sister. All of my life my older sibling was vile to my Mom, and mercilessly tormented both my now deceased younger sister and myself when our poor Mom lay dying in her hospital bed. We forgave her each time, and then she would do it all again. To this day my stomach jumps when a text or call comes in from her. I understand how heartbreaking it can be to know these dreadful things were done to someone you love. In my Mom’s later years she would share her feelings about what it was like having a daughter like that, and how sad it made her feel. I cried so many tears for her, and vowed to make her life better up until her final breath. You are not guilty of hurting your Mum, this was your sister’s doing. You loved her, when your sister could not. Your Mum did not want to give up on your sister, like mine, she kept giving her chance after chance. That is what Mother’s do.
You could only reach out, offer to move her closer, and keep loving her. I hope you will be able to ease up on yourself a bit. Your Mum’s final words to you said volumes about the relationship you shared. Be gentle with yourself. I wish you strength in the difficult days ahead. Glad you found this site, and the caring grievers who will always listen and support you.

Thank you for your advice Sister2, it has been really helpful and comforting to me. When my sister visited my mum at home when she was dying and unconcious mum would become restless and agitated. I dont know what happens during the dying process but my wife thinks that at that stage my mum could no longer fool herself about my sisters awful actions over the years. I dont think my sister is intrinsically bad but she is certainly very disturbed and has caused immense misery.
Thank you so much for taking the time and trouble to give me advice and for elating your own experiences.

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