I’m new to this type of thing so please bear with me. I will keep it as brief as I can. Basically, I lost my mother to breast cancer 8 years ago this coming October. She was only 54.
I don’t think I can fully put into words the enormity of this loss. Although I have other family, I only ever truly got on with my mother and her side of the family (who have also all passed away). As a result of her death, I found myself lost, nothing seemed real, it all happened so quickly. One minute she was there, the next gone. Consequently, I started to drift in my own life. I had terrible mood swings, I became seriously ill with stress and eventually even lost my house.
Thankfully, with the assistance of my partner, I was able to stop drinking. Infact, I haven’t drank alcohol since my mothers death. I had drank quite excessively to that point.
The actual reason I’m posting this today is because I still can’t get to grips with my mothers death. No matter what I do, the memories of her last few days always hit me when I least expect it. It’s still hard to look back and think of the good times as the bad memories still seem so raw.
I was also her full time carer and found her face down on her bedroom floor unconscious the day before her death. I still don’t know how that happened and have found myself blaming myself for not being there at the time.
Thankfully, I’ve now got my own life somewhat back on the rails. But the memories of this loss still loom large over me. I’ve even tried seeking counselling for this and also anger management therapy through my doctor as mood swings are still apparent. But doctor will only offer medication and I’m reluctant to take that.
Apologies for going on a bit, but I felt I needed to say this as sometimes I have difficulty in expressing my thoughts on the subject.
Welcome to the Online Community, and I’m glad that you have found us here. Please don’t apologise for ‘going on’, as this site is a place where you can vent those thoughts that you have trouble talking about elsewhere.
I’m so sorry to hear about the loss of your mother and how you are struggling to come to terms with it.
You have done really well to give up drinking and get your life more on track, but it does sound as though the anger and guilt can still be quite intense at times.
Grief doesn’t follow a set timeline, and it sounds as though you could really do with some support. Sorry to hear that your doctor wasn’t any help with regards to seeking counselling. Are you aware ofCruse Bereavement? They offer counselling at their local centres, as well as a helpline on 0844 477 9400 or helpline@cruse.org.uk.
Please do keep posting here if you find that it helps - you are among people who understand.
We have many other members who have lost a parent. Hopefully some of them will be along soon to reply to you. In the meantime, I just wanted to say hello and let you know someone had read your post.
I haven’t heard of cruse, but I will take a look as I do still have issues that you mentioned. They’re the things that are largely stopping me from “moving on” if you like.
Another factor is probably the age at which she passed away. I was shocked at the time, as I never envisaged that happening at that stage. I know the common thought is “it’ll never happened to me” but she seemed so healthy at the time. She was working in the city hospital as a health care assistant, about to take her final NVQ in nurses training. Everything was a total shock.
Hello ALR
I am glad that you found the courage to join our Community, and to open up about what you have been going through. You sound as if you are a very caring, sensitive person, and after being your mother’s carer, your whole world changed when she died. Even after all this time, it is normal to still question what happened to her, and even sometimes to blame yourself for her death. You have obviously tried hard over the years to make sense of it all, with the help of your partner, but you must still wonder what your life would have been like if your mother was still here.
I really hope that if you do make contact with Cruse, you will get some comfort from them. Just by talking to others about your mixed feelings can often help. I am sure that your mother would want you to think about the lovely times you spent together, and to find some serenity in your life. With kind regards, Jackie
I have an idea how my life would be had she still been around and there is no doubt it would be a lot better than what I’ve experienced over the last 7-8 years. I think of how I was back then to how I am now and it’s sometimes unbearable.
I think the best way I could put it for myself personally would be that it was like I’ve been looking into the world that I once knew and suppose took for granted, from behind a screen and I’ve been unable to get back.
I have to a point got myself back on track but things seem a lot more difficult now than they did back then. For example, the city I’ve lived in all my life thus far now doesn’t feel like the same place. I hate it, I feel like I’ve been boxed in, almost developed paranoia too thinking people were out to get me etc.
The latter has now eased. But the craving to get away from this city hasn’t. Maybe getting away would help to assist me in fully moving on with life, I don’t know.
I’m really sorry you have lost your mum. I lost mine 2 months ago to breast cancer too (she was 60, so older than your mum, but still young enough to feel cheated).
You have expressed your thoughts and feelings really well. It is never easy - it feels as if no one else in the world will understand and words just don’t do the enormity of it justice - I get that. Just know that many others can empathise at least to some extent, although of course, we have all had unique experiences with a complex web of contexts. I honestly sometimes think it would be so much easier writing a book explaining everything, then giving that book to people to understand everything in minute detail, so they would ‘get it’ without us having to explain. Even then, we probably wouldn’t be able to properly explain. It is incredibly frustrating. Anyway, you’ve put your situation across well - I really feel for you, you have clearly had some terrible struggles but you’ve also had some real successes. Be proud of yourself for those - not easy. And being your mum’s full time carer - my god, what a huge responsibility - that responsibility was shared by a team of hospice staff for my mum - there’s no way I could have done it on my own - so you should be so proud of yourself for that, and give yourself a break - I mean, that must have been terrible and shocking seeing your mum unconscious on the floor but you need to try and get rid of that guilt - you are NOT to blame, it wasn’t your fault, there’s no way you could be at her side for 24/7 without leaving the room for even a minute. These things tend to happen in that minute. You said you’ve tried to seek counselling - how come nothing came of that?
It seems there have been quite a few new members recently who’ve lost their mums, so I thought this could be a place for all those of you who’re finding things tough on Mother’s Day to get together and get support.