I cared for my mum for two years, she had dementia. She recently died and I continually beat myself up for the things I got wrong. For example one night I gave her a plate of macaroni and cheese and she didn’t take a bite, she just gave me the plate back, it was about 7pm at night and she usually fed herself fine. So, I just binned it. At 4am that morning she woke me up and I have insomnia and she asked for bacon and eggs, The bacon was frozen in the fridge, I did have eggs but because I was that exhausted I didn’t get her anything, I thought it’s not my fault she didn’t eat the macaroni I gave her the night before. I told her it was 4am and I wasn’t making anything. But of-course now I feel guilty about this. I just feel guilty all the time.
I could have written this. I card for my mum though she had physical issues not dementia though in the last weeks she had moments of confusion. She was only 70 and had an unexpected cardiac arrest.
I have done the beat myself up with guilt time and time again. When i was so exhausted I shouted at her. When I was so exhausted I said I was walking out. When I was so exhausted I said cruel things. In return when she was exhausted and in pain she said some horrible stuff too but do you see the pattern…it was all when we were exhausted. We are only human and can only do so much. I do not hold the things Mum ever said to me out of pain and exhaustion against her, and I know she wouldn’t against me.
And if I really think about there were a million more good times than bad. You know why we were so exhausted? because we stuck around. We put in the long nights and long days, the physical and mental strain. We pushed our needs down whilst we got on with it.
I made up an analogy on another thread - imagine a jar and you put a piece of black rice in for the times you had one of those bad times and white rice for all the times throughout your life you had good times, did things for one another, even just sat in contented silence watching tv and the humdrum of life. Give the jar a shake - you’d barely see the black flecks i promise you.
Hope you can find some comfort and peace
Beki x
Hi, thanks for your reply. I think you get what I’m going through.
Hope we can talk again. Do you think I should feel guilty for not making my mum something to eat after her not eating her evening meal. I feel so guilty.
Absolutely not! No need to feel any guilt. Eating fatty food at 4am was probably not going to be the recipe for a successful day anyway!. It’s not as if you were starving her, in fact you made her a lovely evening meal but with dementia people can be very confused about food and you were were helping her keep a routine when she couldn’t.
I think she sounds extremely blessed to have had you.
Beki x
Hi Beki, you sound lovely. I’d love to keep in contact.
Sure, just send me a message on here or keep posting on this thread.
Take care.
Beki x
Hi Beki, can you tell me who you are grieving for? If you don’t want to that’s fine, just tell me about yourself,. Are you working just now?
I lost my dad 2 weeks ago and you sound like you could be describing me
Now I feel so guilty for getting frustrated, angry and resentful in the past year especially as he wouldn’t let carer services etc get involved. I hid my own issues from him and had no support from any of my other family members. I was so overwhelmed looking after him that I attempted to take my own life. For the sake of my own wellbeing during the past few months, I was unable to visit everyday and I feel like my dad gave up because he thought I’d abandoned him like everyone else.
It is very, very tough isn’t it. My mum died in March and am finding as time moves forward it is getting easier or more natural to compartmentalise those last times or tough times in comparison to a lifetime of love and happiness. I hope that happens for you too.
Our parents who we cared for love us and appreciate all that we did I am quite sure.
Beki x
Thanks Beki, my rational mind is aware but the irrational mind keeps taking over.
My brothers absence in my father’s life was extremely hurtful and I think I’m carrying their guilt that should belong to them.
I’m glad I found this forum as it’s good to get others perspectives from their own experiences.
I suppose that we have these feelings because we did care and also it would have been so much easier to have walked away but love gave us strength to persevere.
Thank you x
Hi I think guilt is apart of grieving my mum died last year I looked after her and my dad for a couple of years my dad didn’t want outside help I would go down in the morning and at night after work mum had cancer and dementia last October dad ended up in hospital due to his diebetes so I took mum up to my house every thing was fine it was tough looking after her 10 weeks later mum got a bed sore grade 3 she was in her bed for2 weeks leading up to her death I think I just pushed it to the back of my mind what was happening then on 16 dec she died I don’t think her cancer killed her it was the bed sore and I blame myself for that if I payed more attention or was it my fault she got the sore nearly a year and I still blame myself then 26 days later my dad died on the day of mum funeral and I never got to say goodbye to him because my brother never told me that he been talking into hospital on the Sunday because it was mum funeral the next day I still fell angry about that because it was me that done everything for mum and dad I don’t fell it gets easier I just put a face on am not really good talking about my feelings
Oh gosh, I’m so sorry for your double loss! I think us carers do give each other a very hard time, reading others experiences are giving me the realisation that under the circumstances, we all did our best! Sending healing prayers and hugs to you 
xx
Thanks for your reply I think we do give ourselves a hard time
I can relate to you EAN. My brother and sister left me to care for my mum all by myself. They didn’t visit or phone in over a year and a half, but they will not be feeling guilty about that, yet I was there caring for my mum for two years, but I am the one feeling guilty! I would get angry and frustrated, also. I think we all need to forgive ourselves.
Hi Snowwhite, I can feel the pain you are feeling from your letter. It is so sad. Too much for one person to handle. Give yourself a big hug from me.
You to. Lots of hugs
Aw yes, definitely but when we’re in that situation and others don’t care, it’s bloody hard. As sad or bad as it sounds, I am glad and relieved others can associate with what we’re going through and it’s not because we’ve done anything wrong, we’ve actually done all we can, we’re beating ourselves up for the one’s who done nothing. Big hugs 
Sometimes you wonder if guilt ever goes away if grieving ever goes away I sometimes still can’t get my head around that I’ll never see mum dad again
Ean, I also carry the guilt of my brother and sister, for not bothering about my mum. A lot of people don’t understand this, but you are the first person I’ve heard that does this also.
As I say they have to put their head on their pillow at night