Can't grieve properly

I lost my husband of nearly 60yrs 9mths ago and feel that I should have done more for him. He died through in the hospitals words ’ let down by lack of care’. He was put onto a very high dose of steroids and then left unmonitored for 3mths. During this time he became unable to walk through muscle weakness, developed diabetes and had a very bad case of fungal infection. This went from his mouth into his body, lungs and eventually brain. As he had been kept in a coma for 3weeks and no more could be done, I had to give the OK to turn of the breathing machine that he had been on for 3wks. There was a lengthy investigation afterwards and I had an apology.
We had promised each other that if one of us became ill the other one would do all they could to help, including hospital care. I was forever on the phone to different doctors but no one would take responsibility and I didn’t fight hard enough for him. I feel that I have let him down even though I do know that there was nothing that I could do. The drug he was on cannot just be stopped but needs weaning off.
I am now an old lady with limited mobility and feel so alone. I do have family who live some distance away but I honestly feel that they don’t care as I rarely see or hear from them. Thank goodness I have a little dog, cat and 1 chicken left who need me and I pray that I am here for their lifetimes to care for them.
I guess I am suffering from some depression as well as grief but don’t want to go on the drug route. I am now looking forward to the spring when I can work on the garden in the sunshine. I may then get motivated to get back into my craft work that I love and that my husband encouraged me with.
I was lucky that I had such a beautiful man for so long and have many wonderful memories but somehow I need to have a really good cry and not just feel tearful and sad that my big still strong husband who still worked 2 allotments and who I loved beyond words had such an awful death. This is a bit of a drawn out letter but just writing it all down is helpful.

HiJune im very sorry for your loss (im 57 my wife was 41 04032016 she passed on her 41 st birthday ) i fully understand re itcu and life support machines my wonderful wife was in and on both ,Dont worry if you cant cry im exactlly the same .Last time i cried was at her funeral .Iunderstand the no family contact as well .Ive been dumped on my own too .I went and am still on the drug route they help me a great deal .Ialso go to Cruse (got that through my GP .I also phone the samaritains day and sometimes during the night (maybe theses might work for you? ) .Dont be a stranger in this special club please keep coming back big hug Colin

Thanks for the support Colin. It is a relief to know that it is not only me that finds it hard to cry. It is possibly normal for many people but it just added to the guilt that I feel. I have four children, one in Australia and 3 others here. My eldest boy phones me every week but lives near his in laws so has his hands full there. They are all just getting on with their lives and don’t realise that I don’t have enough in mine any more. I haven’t looked into the Samaritans or Cruse as I thought it something that everyone goes through at some time so don’t make a fuss. Thanks once again.

Hello June, sorry for your loss,I’m sure you did do enough for your husband it is very difficult when someone you love is very poorly and when they go into hospital,there is a lot to take in and understand especially if you have no medical back husband passed away in october only 52 it was very sudden so know time to get used to his illness as was taking all the information in and then he can act strange as I also I have discovered ,can you not tell them how your feeling as they are old enough to understand,I have two girls and they dont understand they are 20 and 24.I’m pleased you have your pets,I am thinking of getting a dog but have to wait till I can look after myself first asI know that can be a lot of work.Are there any groups near you.I too had a wounderful husband and have many lovely memories I think I’m lucky to have them so hang on to yours too,I feel tgey will get us through this.look after yourself June. X