Can't let myself think back to before he was ill.

I lost my lovely husband after a very short unexpected illness 14 weeks ago and am still in shock and disbelief as he was my whole world. I dare not think of him before the illness as it upsets me so much to know what I have lost forever. All I see is how I held his hand in hospital for his last 5 days with me. I comfort myself that he is out of any suffering and hopefully he was sedated and didn’t even realize he was dying and leaving me. I can’t look at photos of his lovely happy smiling face. Just illness and regret stay in my mind.

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Jean …I am sorry you have lost your husband in such a sudden short space of time. The emotions you describe of shock and disbelief are said to be normal emotions born out of an abnormal situation you have witnessed… the emotions you describe are part of the cycle of grief . I totally get the way you describe recalling the last five days with your husband …I to had a similar experience of holding my husbands hand while he struggled to stay with us …I take comfort in that I’m sure he knew I was there and was not alone …but a huge part of us die with them to when they slip away …be kind to yourself 14 weeks is still early days …I hope over time you will recall all the happier memories you hold …thinking of you and sending strengh your way

Hi Bab1. Thank you for your kind words. I feel sad for your loss too as you so rightly said - a part of us dies too. My husband was always the fittest person in the family, always slim and healthy, and convinced that he was going to live to be over 100. We spent every waking moment together having also worked together for a lifetime. I try to keep positive to make him proud of me but it is hard to keep the tears at bay each day. This site is a real blessing to people like us who can share our pain and help to uplift each other when it is needed. I hope you are coping O.K. Bab 1 as it is an unfamiliar journey for all of us.

I think sometimes it’s about giving ourselves permission to accept the moments Jean when we aren’t always trying to be positive …I’m quite an optimistic person I think …but there have been times the past months that my optimism has been tried and tried again !! Going through grief and lockdown and then trying to put some plans in place to be with family for a birthday I have coming up has seen the plans crashing down as I am now confined to barracks so to speak after being in contact with a family member who has been diagnosed with Covid …climbing a mountain after losing our loved ones is hard jean …finding the strengh each time we fall back down is even harder .i guess this site gives us strengh when we realise others are going through the same or similar emotions …it must have been really hard for you to have had no warning your husband whom you describe as fit and healthy would then then pass so suddenly…I dont think anything would ever prepare for it either ,…sending hugs again x

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