Can't move on

I lost my Dad (who was my best friend) 9 months ago and I miss him so much, I don’t know how to move on and every time I think I’m doing ok something else happens and knocks me back down, 7 months after Dad died Mum met someone else and I just can’t get my head round it, I want her to be happy but it just feels so wrong to Dad and as I can’t cope with it I’ve shut myself off from my whole family and family friends so I don’t have to see/hear about it. My husband and children are very supportive but I know I need to move on and stop feeling sorry for myself, how do I do that please?

Hi Fran,

I’m so sorry to hear that you lost your dad. It sounds as though you were really close. Grief doesn’t follow any set timeline, and it is very normal to have a lot of ups and downs. Try to allow yourself to grieve, rather than putting pressure on yourself to “move on”.

I can completely understand how your mum meeting someone else feels very soon and is difficult for you to deal with. People deal with grief in different ways and this doesn’t mean that your mum didn’t care about your dad or isn’t grieving herself. It is difficult to know whether she is truly ready for a new relationship, or whether she making a mistake while in a vulnerable state. However, either way, it isn’t a decision you can make for her.

It sounds as though you would like to maintain a relationship with your mum but are just finding the emotions too overwhelming at the moment? It’s important to have outlets for those feelings, so it’s good that you can talk to your husband and also write things down here on the Online Community.

You might also be interested to read and reply to other people’s experiences in the Losing a Parent section of the site.

Hi Priscilla, many thanks for your reply, I’m really not sure just now if I do want a relationship with my Mum and not just because of the new man in here life but other things like not calling me on Christmas Day but calling both my brothers (she was away and had said she would call cause she may not be free when I called her) and telling me in a supermarket “I have something to tell you but don’t know how you will take it” I then asked so your going to tell me here and she just shrugged her shoulders and then told me she had met someone. We live 1/2 a mile apart but she couldn’t come to mine to tell me that (think that’s what hurts the most if I’m honest) just feel that she can’t care very much about me if that’s how she does things.
But on the other hand I don’t want her sitting about doing nothing, so as you can see I’m very confused.
Think I just need to look after myself and see what happens in the future with her and the rest of them x

I’m sorry to hear your relationship is so difficult. I think you are right that you need to look after yourself and give yourself a chance to grieve in the way that is right for you.

Hi Fran, I do understand what you’re going through & how it feels. My Mum was my best friend so losing her was incredibly hard. It’s now fours years on but it’s still tough. My Dad met someone just over a year ago. He was very lonely so I’m very happy he now has company. I’ve met Ann twice & she’s perfectly pleasant. I’m really struggling with it though & am deliberately not inviting them to my new house or going to see my Dad. When my dad tells me he’s going out to dinner with Ann & her 2 grown up children I feel upset/angry which feels a bit childish goven I’m 47. My brother has no problems with it at all. I have met Ann once at my Dads house where he lived with my Mum & I cried all the way home. When I tell people what I’m feeling they say ‘do you want your Dad to be unhappy & lonely’…they just don’t get it. If you don’t want to face it or be involved with your Mum at the moment then you shouldn’t. Do what feels right for you & as you say, see what happens going forward. Take care

Dear tlang many thanks for replying to me, to know I’m not the only person in the world to feel like this is a big help, I always thought she would find someone else and I was dreading it if I’m honest, I truly want her to be happy I just don’t know how to deal with how I feel and like you say some people don’t get it, she posted a photo today of two coffee cups with seems a really silly thing to cry over but cry I did, you see it was hers and his not hers and my Dad’s. Thank you again for your kind words and I hope and pray that in time both of us can except our parents new partners so we can go on enjoying time together, take care x x

I’d have cried at the photo of the coffee cups too x

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