Can't seem to get over the loss of my mum

Hi everyone
I am new to this support group and am much in need of help.
I lost my mum to cancer on 10th Aug 17. It still seems like last week. I feel so lost without her.
She was so healthy right up to just over a year ago and then developed a dry cough. She has not smoked in over 55 years and would eat only heallthy food much to my dads enjoyment. She worked 4 days a week in an opticians and kept saying what are people going to think an old woman like me still working. She was 76 but did not look 60 never mind 76. My dad and her would go out walking all the time.
Anyway this cough never went so she was sent for a ct scan and xray. My husbans and l went back to the follow up appointment as my husband knows a lot of medical stuff. So my dad, mum me and my husband were in this room.

The doctor came in and explained to us there was a 2cm mass and a 6 cm mass on her left lung. My mum said is it cancer but he said he would not know that until they had done biopsy. So she was booked in for a biopsy which was unsucessful aa they could not get enough tissue as there was to much blood. They tried another twice but no joy. Because of where the tumour was sitting it was right next to a main artery and broncial branch.
So they sent her for a PET scan which showed then up to be hotspots and it was one big tumour.

They decided that treatment was the only option as they could not remove it because it would kill her but it was good because it was contained in 1 lung.
Well my mum went through 4 weeks of treatment of chemo and radio every day apart from weekends. She did everything they told her. Well after the treatment she had a scan and xray and the doctor told her its just scar tissue thats left. They had cured her!!! We were so happy. But my m was never right after that. She went depressed and anxious and was crying all the time. She was convinved she still had it. We tried everything to get her out this way of thinking. We got her checked again they still said she was fine. But she stared saying she had a sore kneck and had lumps on her shoulder. We all thought she was imagining it. But took her to see her gp again and we were wanting to get her something to help her anxiety. But the go noticed her lymth nodes were all swollen and she had a blood clot on her kneck so had to go straight to hospital… they sortef that out and had took bloods and wanted to keep her in because her calcium was to high. Again we asked if she was ok thet said yes and they would do a scan just to make sure.
A day later a doctor was telling me my mum had a few weeks to live!!! What!! Her cancer had never went and had went metastasis. It was all over her chest and lung and lymth nodes. I must have been in shock and it never registered. All l new was that l needed to get her into a hospice as the hospital treatment was shocking.
I managed to get her into St Andrews the next day. They were brilliant. Everyday we travel to see her and in 2 weeks she faded away. I have never seen a disease take over someone so quick as when l got the call to say it was nearly her time. We all rushed down and it was like she had took a stroke. She was gone. Lay on her sid gasping for air. She could not talk or communicate and l don’t think she new we were there. 2 days she lasted and to us it looked like she was suffering. Although they had her on a medication pump for any pain she was in ect. The night she died ww were there to about 10pm but exausted my dad said go home and get some rest as my brother and sister had all left but my dad slept on the chair next to her. She choked and ended up drowning with the fluid on the lung that was filled with fluid. I was so angry l had left. But my dad said he is glad we never seen the end.

Since then the funeral and that was a blurr and we all.cried a lot. We had to try help my dad. My brother went to his house in florida for a month. So it was left with my sister and me.
I have very bad arrhritis and had just had a ankle fusion when mum got sick but was due my knee replacement months ago but l put it off because of mum. I have had 2 hip replacements and 1 knee done.
I am stuck at home now my operation is due on 21st but l have this gap where my emotions are slowley getting worse. I am starting to think l should have went and my mum stayed as my arthritis is just taken over my life. I have a job that l have not been to for abt 2 years. And if l do manage
to go back it will be for 2 days at most.
Yesterday was my wedding annniversary and my dad text me to say happy anniversary when l know he is just trying his best to do what mum done. It upset me and l cried a lot. My husband did not understand why l was so upset so it made things worse. I ended up on the phone to my dad crying that l missed her so much…l so want her back. Should l not be getting better. I think the fact stuck indoors all the time. I feel l am going nuts. She was a huge part of our life.
Sorry its such a long story.
Lors x

I’m so sorry for your loss, especially as it has left you with such traumatic memories. My mum died just a few days ago and I’m dreading the funeral, I dont think its sunk in properly yet and think it might then. Its so awful isint it, the thought that you just cant speak to them again, the finality of it is just dreadful. Everyone keeps saying it just takes time so thats all we can hope for, and time is different for everyone. I can understand that your own ailments must make it especially hard. Best wishes to you.

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Yeah it is much harder than l imagined its like part of me is missing. I am sorry about your mum you are at the stage l was in disbeleif. The funeral and that went by without me even knowing as l think l was on auto pilot and numb. Its when its all over and you think oh l will text my mum…or call her. Then l remember. I was most like my mum. By that l had her habits of worrying myself sick about nothing. Getting moody and down. I dunno who l got the arthritis from. My sister did more things like go to shows or musicals…that was not my thing. But we went on holidays together me my sister and her man and me and my husband and my niece who is now 19 but still would come with us. But because of thid rubbish arthritis its taken over my life. I so want to go another holiday and would love cyprus or florida but the flight puts me off florida although l have been a few times.
My brother is diffrent from all of us. He has a business of his own and a lot of money so we rarely see him. We seen him everyday when mum was sick and both me and my sister said it was like having my real big brother back. He lives a diffrent life and spends half the year at his house he just buillt on a lake in florida to which he went about a week after the funeral for a month. I felt that was a bit hurtful to my dad as he needed his family. He was struggling and l was struggling with walking due to my knee needing replaced. But l tried my best l would see him friday to sunday and my sister god love her popped in a lot. She got rid of mums clothes and stuff which l just could nou do it. My dad also had a good friend that goes in everyday he has been a great friend. I talked with my dad last night and said l wish l could be there more but my arthritis is stopping me as its so hard to get ready and l am the one that stays furthest away. My sister and brother both stay in walking distance but l stay in a diffrent town abt 10mls away and hubby does not drive so its so hard for me to visit. Anyway thanks for replyinhg Alisha please do not hesitate to send me a message if you are upset or just want to vent. Have you got kids? Do you work. Can you talk about what happened to your mum or is it to hard. You don’t have to was just want to try help as best l can.
Take Care xxx

Arthritis is a really painful thing, I can understand the difficulties you have getting around, its good that you keep in touch in other ways. I didnt live near my mum but she came to stay with me 3 times a year including christmas which I am now dreading, we had just been talking about it before she died. I didnt speak to her that day, but she did talk to a friend of hers on the phone in the evening and she said she was just as she always was and they had a long chat. She got up in the early hours, feeling sick and pressed her emergency button and told the operator she felt breathless and they told her to sit in her chair and wait for the paramedics, she had to press the button on her phone to let them in but when they came they got no answer so it took a while to get the security company to come and open the main door. It was heart failure so I think she was probably gone already. Such a shock. I do have a son and husband who are very supportive but its different isint it, for them. I hope your day has been ok, each day is a challenge. Alicia