When do you take sympathy cards down? I have so many but each time I think should I take them down, it seems I’m taking my husband further away. Does anyone know what I mean?
I am so sorry for your loss. I lost Martin on 7th August and I felt the same dilemma. There just came a point where it felt it might be right (might as absolutely nothing feels right now!). I still have them in a pile on the sideboard determined I will read them or do something with them but not yet.
As lots of people here will reassure you, there is no right and wrong. I find it hard to even move Martin’s things but what does it matter? They allow me to trick myself for the odd millisecond that he’s not gone when so much feels like I am erasing him…all that admin transferring bills over is devastating.
Do whatever helps you and take care of yourself x
I understand what you mean but you just have to do what feels right for you. I also had so many cards and had to wait 3 weeks for mark’s funeral and took them down after that. I put them away in a file and got them out on the first anniversary in sept and read them all.
I do know what you mean about taking him further away. I feel like that every time I sort something out.
Take care xx
Oh I know. I can’t move Amy of Richard’s things. And yes it tricks me to think he is still here and makes me think nothing has changed. But I just want to go to sleep and wake up and find out its been the worst nightmare I’ve ever had, and it was all a very bad dream. But I know I won’t, and it hurts so very much. X
Oh Alyson, I remember that feeling well after my mum had died. It was months before I took down the sympathy cards. So when my husband passed away, I never even put the cards up because I knew they would never come down. I put them in a special box as soon as they arrived. I know it’s pointless telling you this now and rather too late, but perhaps it would help if you had a special box in which they could go so that you don’t feel like you are taking your husband down, you would just be moving him to a special place, just like that special place he has in your heart.
Oh bless you. That really is a lovely idea. And I will when I’m ready. I have a special box for my darling mums things too. Xx
Yes that first waking up feeling is awful, Every day feels like a fresh he’ll and no one can feel what you feel. The one person who could always understand was my husband and at the time I need him most he’s gone. And then I feel so selfish for asking mire of him. I talk a lot to him out loud at home, in the car, when I go for a walk and have given up caring if I look nuts. I write to him too. I think it helps but I don’t know. I don’t think anything makes it better or worse, it’s just a huge abyss that I totter around the edge of. Sometimes I see a wee glimpse of him through the fog and it gives me peace for a wee while. It is really hard though xx
Oh I write letters too. And they are under his pillow. I also talk to him or ask him things. I send texts to his phone hoping he will read them and text back. But of course you all know the answer to that. I hope yiu don’t think I am some Unhinged person, but I have to do those things. Keep him in my life as always, as I am never, ever going to let go
You’re not unhinged at all! Well no more than the rest of us . You need to do what ever let’s you move through this. This might make you feel more sane. My husband collapsed in the middle of the woods. When the ambulance came they cut off his clothes. He wore this rainbow fleece which he’d had before we got together (22 years ago). He loved it and I loved seeing him wearing it. It was bright and jolly like him. It was cut off and because it was an unexpected event the police were called and they wouldn’t let me take his clothes. I’ve walked back to where it happened a few times. The first time I picked up some acorns from the spot which I’ve potted up…goodness knows where I’d plant oak trees in my wee garden! And I carry an acorn in my pocket. The second time I spotted a toggle with a liitle piece of cut cord and said to myself not to be daft. I couldn’t even remember if the fleece had a toggle. So I came home and scanned through photos of M in this fleece til I found one in which I could see the toggle clearly and compare it. The third time I picked up the toggle, washed it and the wee bit of cord carefully and it sits on my mantlepiece. Now that’s unhinged
Here’s my unhinged:
Tony, my lovely husband, died on 5 October
In the fridge were a couple of scones with cream that I had bought him but he didn’t get to eat
I only threw them out yesterday - they were the last thing I had bought him to eat
Logically I knew I couldn’t keep mouldy scones but….
I like that we can all be a bit unhinged together here
I kept them up for a good while because it took time to be able to read them properly, but I got a lovely memory box to put them in along with other things from his send off, order of service, memory book & photos used at the celebration of his life. It was just before Christmas & we’d already received a lot of cards to us both so they are in the box too. I also have since added other bits. The box is out all the time as it’s beautifully made & inscribed with his name & “love you to the moon & back”.
Take care & you’ll know when the time is right for you, we’re all different & there’s no right or wrong way
I couldn’t have any sympathy cards in our home. All cards I received, I gave to Martins Mum. The day they took Martin to donate his organs was his birthday. The Royal here in Belfast allowed me to spend one last night with my Martin; they brought another bed into ICU and I was able to lie on his chest all night and play our favourite music. To be honest I was absolutely heartbroken, I had his gift and card from me and everyone else brought his cards and gifts as well. I did bring his birthday cards home and put those on display, he would have been 48. I hope this doesn’t sound cold… sending love to you all… x❤️
No of course its not. We are all suffering in a similar way and all have our own ways .
Hi just feeling so sad so logged onto forum reading about CARDS.My husband died very suddenly 11 years ago.I think I kept his cards up for a couple weeks and then found a lovely box for them I really can’t part with them.My only son set up for want of a better word a SHRINE in spare bedroom.It has my husband watch glasses his crucifix tie pins rosary medals he won as a sporting paraplegic.Its a lovely thing to see my son added lots of bits and bobs over the years.It may be something for anybody out there may want to do.
In March this year I also lost my beloved son .I am lost heartbroken empty. That’s why I logged on tonight I was blinded with my constant crying.When I feel I can do it I will add some of my sons trinkets to his dad’s SHRINE.I won’t call it a SHRINE anymore just I think of it as a lovely personal memory wall for my 2 men.I feel that whatever anybody does with cards momentos etc is entirely upto them there are no rights or wrongs for all of us that are grieving over our loved ones.Lots of love Marg xx
So sorry for the loss of your husband and son. Sending hugs x❤️
Thinking of you Marg x
Iv taken mine down this week , I have them stored in a box with other things related to my partner , the flowers except for a few have gone , it was 5 weeks yesterday he passed. Iv had a ring made with his ashes so still have him with me but looking at the cards made me sad. I shall get them out and read them again at some point , whenever you feel ready to take them down is what I’m trying to say we are all different so take your time and when you feel ready you will know take care xxx
Thank you. Its just over 5 weeks for me. And harder than ever. And I’m still getting cards. I have brought a lovely box that I’ve put some of them in the ones from lovely people but the ones that we didn’t really see or know, and kept the most personal ones up. X
20months ago, the cards I received were put in a pile unopened. I left them for our son & daughter to read , they then told me who they were from & put them back in the pile. When I threw the flowers out the cards were then moved to the cupboard.
I still haven’t read them so I’m probably just as “unhinged” as everyone else.
Do what feels right when it feels right for you.
When my husband passed one of my close friends got me a box instead of flowers. She had also lost her husband, she said that it helped to keep this box with all the cards and bits and bobs. So once I took the cards down they all went in there. I often go through it, so it is a comfort. All the admin and paperwork is a mine field, I had so many accounts to sort out. In the end I just did one call a day. Also have you used the tell us once service, this also gets you in touch with department of work and pensions. I was given some benefit payments for the first year. I wish you well, take care .